DLS - Dirty Little Secrets

[scarlet melody]

Lauren's response:
Help Bob. . .
The truth Made me loose my Owen bff the person that made me want to tell the truth. . . Now since she not there . . . I want to die I want to cry. I want to go and find her and say I'm sorry tell my eyes cry with blood. I love this girl
and for to loose her means I have nothing in life to look foward to. I want to hold her and say I'm sorry and kiss her. I wrote poem for her but, I guess no reason to show them. No reason to love, NO reason to live.
I feel this pain that so bad. I'm chocken my throat tighting up. This this pain. I cant handel... She is the things that makes me want to laugh and smile the thing to make me want to wake up in the mornng and look forward to.
Just something my eyes red and hot with pain. I can't handle it god, I can't. I'm barely breathing reading her words. I'm so sorry, I'm sorry I had to tell the truth for her. She was the reason, I feel like a fuking moron. -whips tears- If you could see this pain and know the feelings.... I dont know anymore
With out her I want to leave. This pain so deep and heavy. My cheeks hot with this I .... I .... I hate it I want to just kill my self with rage and angry out.

Was telling the truth the worse thing I did Bob ?
-throws away poems and cuddles in blanket-
I'm sorry Scarlet .... I Do love you I wasn't lieing ....


My First Response:
I don't believe it. Truthfully I don't....
-sighs-
After some thought:
Well she's young. She's gonna make tons of mistakes. But she's gotta learn. -shakes my head sadly cause I can't believe I'm doing this-
I'll tell her we can be friends...but that's it.
If she needs me, I'm there in a flash. But as for us being romantically involved and as for us getting together...not gonna happen.
-hangs my head-
Don't even know why I ******** try anymore...

 

[scarlet melody]

8/17/08
THE last day.
My last day..

 

[DK Hoe-Bus]

"We've all been sorry,
We've all been hurt
But how we survive...
Is what makes us who we are"

- Rise Against

 

[scarlet melody]

Originally Posted: Monday Aug. 18, 2008

OMG Fox!You would not believe what a crazy first day I had. My heart's racing from just thinking about it. xD-sighs-

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I cried again last night. I was cleaning off the shelf when a small square of notebook paper fell out. Automatically, I reached down to pick it up. There was a red mark on the outside so I opened it. What could this be? I unfolded the paper...and the word "Fox" was written in red crayon with a heart attatched to the "F". I choked back a sob. An image of me in front of the web cam holding up the sign I made him came to view. I remember tucking the paper into my bra and winking at him... I never threw it away..Then I fell to my bed curled in a ball crying softly.

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OMG Fox!! Dx I only have lunch and the class after with Rachelle...which really isn't that bad considering last year. I like my first period. My baby Andrew is in it. Ohhh God....he gives the best massages ever. I remember I used to melt at his touch. xD Me n him had this thing last year where we acted like we were dating. It was this funny game we played. xDLol. Don't get worried. xD Me n him are just friends. And it's gonna stay that way cause he dated dana over the summer. And she's one of my best friends. You don't date your best friends ex. Thats a nono. xDLol. Plus I hear he's a really suckyyy boyfriend.

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Sherry drove me home today. I had to stay after for a cross country meeting. I love Sherry. We get in the car and the first song she plays is trading places. xD She a freak! lol. I had to fight to keep myself together at the end of the ride tho. She put on this song called Stay by Sugarland. It goes:

Stay lyrics

I've been sitting here staring at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying, praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be crying

And I'll be begging you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting
With my Heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dying

What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used and I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bare
To love a man you have to share

Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay

I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna leave her bed for mine

Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay, yeah


Of course... I instantly thought of him. -sighs- I really liked the song too... I totally understand what she means.. Last night as I lay asleep, curled on my bed... I closed my eyes and imagined he was cuddled next to me. I loved the way his breath felt on the nape of my neck. I snuggled close enough so that our bodies were sandwiched together. He stirred in his sleep and smiled. I pulled his arm tighter around me and laced my fingers with his. My last concious thought was that I never ever wanted him to let me go. Ever.

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Hey fox have you heard about that tropical fey thing?? Supposed to be really bad. We might even be outa school on Wednesday!!!! That'd be so awesome. But don't worry your lil tail off. xD I'll stay safe.

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It's so frustrating not being able to read DLS or know what Fox is feeling or what he's thinking. I mean...how am I supposed to know if he's in trouble? Or what if he really really needs me? What'll I do then? -sighs- I miss him so so much. I see him everywhere I go. He'll pop out behind a corner with his hair all messed up and he'll make funny faces at me. Or I'll be walking somewhere and I feel his hand in mine...I woke up this morning and I heard his voice calling me,"Nay!Nay! Wake up!" I opened my eyes and he was no longer there....so I pulled the covers up over my head and settled back down. Then I heard him say, " You can't stay under there forever. You don't wanna miss the first day of schoool!!" Then I saw him run off outa my room playfully.I sat up and shook my head. Then I began to get dressed. Even though I've left...it feels like he's still with me. Still somewhat a part of me. I can still feel all his thoughts. I can still hear and feel him. In my dreams... I still kiss him. -sighs-

-sings softly under my breath:
I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you-

 

[scarlet melody]

The storm outside rages..but it's nothing compared to the storm in me.
I'm so confused...and I don't know what to do.

I keep lying to myself. I keep saying, "He's a liar. Don't listen to him. He can't be trusted. You don't need him."
But the truth is...the truth is... I just can't live without him. I can't live without him. And I don't want to.

But it's so god damn confusing. He tells me "I miss you. I love you. Please don't go..." But I can't believe him. I can't tell if he's telling me the truth. His actions speak louder than his words. One minute I think we're the real deal...and the next he's showering Erin in presents and affection.
And it hurts...so so bad. Everytime I go on his profile, I brace myself for the wave of heartbreak I know could come. That's why it's so hard for me to believe him. He could be feeding me lies....just to keep me around. Or he could be telling the truth...either way...Erin's still there.

You have no idea what I would give to cry in his arms right now...

-----------------------------

I finally grew the nerve to talk to him yesterday... He sent me messages that just...felt like knives in the back. It hurt to even think about all ...the past....
But it was strange...
He...closed up to me. Totally shut me out.
It felt like he'd slapped me across the face.
I'd never felt more...alienated from him...

I don't know what to do anymore.
All I can do is sit here and listen to sad music...
And I'm watching the destruction going on outside.
It seems like the sky is showing a mirror image of my heart...

----------------------------

You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time

When you will leave her arms
and forever be in mine

But I don't think that's the truth...

And I don't like being used and
I'm tired of waiting

It's too much pain to have to bare
To love a man you have to share...

Why don't you stay?
I'm down on my knees...

 

[scarlet melody]

I feel so:

pissed
confused
hurt
mad
angry
enraged
...
brokenhearted

 

[scarlet melody]

Teardrops  

[scarlet melody]

If it weren't for Lauren...
Right now I swear to God I would blow the cap off everything.
I'm so angry right now.
I have no more heart left to break.
Now I just get pissed and angry and volatile.
I wanna hit something.
Damnit!

I want to act, but I know I'll regret it.

 

[DK Hoe-Bus]

Since I'm no longer welcome near Scarlet, this will be my last post here.
DLS do no longer have a purpose...  

[x__MunChee]

Everyone is spilting... once again...

DLS u have do miracles n wonders...

Buht somethings.... are jus .... meaningless  

[scarlet melody]

All that's left now
are the stories...

 

[scarlet melody]

500th post
baby!