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 Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 10:04 am
Aug 18 - Pick love or fear
That feeling alone when you're surrounded. I'm alone and there's so many people around living thier lives. Is it rude to be pessimistic about telling them I'm tired of being everyone's nanny? It's not what I was created for and it's not what I want to be right now or who's life I want to be a part of. I'm tired of kids who aren't my own and people who are my family are a part of my family. I want to be with the one person who means the most to me.
I think Gaara's about the only one who really knows what's going on right now. I've mostly been sleeping in his room. I'm not going to sleep on the couch where everyone can see that I'm sleeping away from Krad and my room right now. My weapon room would be a comfortable place but lately I've been talking to Gaara untill I've fallen asleep talking to him. So this is where I'm staying.
I feel abandoned, but I'm going to wait. I don't have a doubt of fate in Krad, it's just right now I could say a lot of things to him. A lot of things because I've been thinking too long. There's no distraction when you need someone sometimes....I haven't looked at another person like that and I don't intend to it's simply that I am alone and- I feel that he's done it on purpose. I'm feeling betrayed. I gave my love to my first love....I've been patient and I've done my damn best to not let the things that bother me get in the way- Granted they're very little but now they're giants when I'm alone......So this is married life.
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Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2005 10:01 pm
Aug 24 - A belated birthday for two angels.
Lot and everyone else just remembered it was my birthday and I think everyone forgot that Cloud's was on the 19th. I didn't remember it myself with everything else going on. I'm still depressed.. Gaara celebrated with me along with Lot and Kite. Between the group I ended up at a steak house listening to Gaara piss off Lot and Kite folding paper or ocassionally rocking the spawn. Gaara gave me a gift card. I'm not surprised. He knows I prefer to pick things out myself and right now I'm not sure what I want. Lot being the sentimental one gave me a little well crafted glass sculpture of a lion made from him and Gaara fighting. Kite gave me a gift as well it was as pratical which is quite like him. A book certificate and a bullet proof vest.....I didn't see Krad obviously. I mean I forgot my own birthday so why should he remember? I sound bitter. Faithless and angry. I hate being like this however it's not every day you feel this alone....
Nothing else is going on right now. I made sure to collect some gifts from Lot and Kite along with something from myself for Cloud. I thought he would appeciate a better set of gloves than the ones he's using. Lot bound a collection of pictures of him, myself, and Cloud as kids for him and Kite gave him piece of jewlry that I have no idea about since it was in the box.
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Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2005 10:32 pm
Aug 24 - Oh yeah...
I forgot it was my birthday sometime back....I hope Long doesn't think I've done this on purpose. I'm slightly concerned about telling her out of fear that she'll get upset at me or get upset. It's not that big of a deal. I've hidden my gifts away.
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Posted: Sun Aug 28, 2005 12:01 am
Aug 28 - Drifting
The more I wander about looking for someone I felt I've lost. The more I remember the good times I've had with him. I sound sentimental when I say I miss the times where we slept in together way pass the time we should have gotten up. The holiday spent together pretty much alone....being kids. The first time I told him I liked him. I remember when we met the first time. I remember all those damn things that make me hurt inside and that eat away at my ressolve. I want to stay but at the same time I feel sick inside when I see my wedding ring next to the Griever one. Each one's mate are on his fingers.
....I can feel the pit in my heart growing each day and it feels like he is never coming back...I feel so alone. So desperate to hear something besides the silence. Everything is a big deal. My temper's short and my feelings are raw. I've never been this fusterated before and upset.
I feel like walking and never stopping to look back.
I feel like I am going to be abandoned....
So there's no reason to ever stop running from it.
I can't say good bye. I can't say anything more than maybe it's time for me to go. Gaara's refused to leave me alone these past few days so I'm going to take him with me.
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Posted: Sun Aug 28, 2005 12:05 am
Aug 28 - Following
He's my brother. Someone's got to stand with him. I don't know where this will go. I don't care about my life. It does well enough with or without me.
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Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2005 7:10 pm
Sept 2 - Quiet
Things are exceptionally quiet. I keep expecting something like a meteor to come crashing down and kill us all. *laughs* Okay, that wasn''t so funny on retrospect for some reason but...things are going well. I can''t believe how nice it is just to spend time with my kids and my Long without anything else going on.
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Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2005 7:21 pm
Sept 4 - Thoughts about the future.
I've been on the road for sometime. I took one of the company cars and haven't looked back. I've been on the road with Gaara for about week I think. It's been quiet out here. There's less angels out here once you hit a certain radius. No one understands so I hide my wings and Gaara keeps his sand in the form of the gourd. I haven't forgotten that Lot's birthday is comming soon. I've already mailed a package off for his birthday. It should get there in time.
I forgot to mention I took my ferret with me. I didn't think she'd do too well away from me and Gaara has his cat as usual. Right now we dont' have a plan. So I've been takeing a few missions on the side from my company and investigating things they've been intersted in. It's not much but it pays decent.
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Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2005 7:23 pm
Sept 4 - What amazes me most.
Squall seems all right. I know it's quite the opposite. He hasn't mentioned Krad since we left. He's running from his worries. It's stupid. I don't know how long I'll let him do this. However it's been intersting seeing all these different places. No one knows what we are.
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Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2005 7:34 pm
Sept 4 - Are you there sir?
I hate the idiots who hang around me. First off there's Lenne who is as close to a friend as I might ever have leaves her darling baby at my doorstep. Darling you're lucky I don't consider this a free baby by the time you've come back to us. Then there's the rest of the lot. Does the power of healing seem to undergrasp the concept of anyone?! Must I explain what these things do to me?!
Although I never did explain about healing people nor the gift of life I have.... Needless to say I believe although you all are proving me wrong is that it is something that involves massive sacrifice on my part. Belittling it is like belittling your own life. Hn. no wonder most talented healers are asses I should have realized how much of a taxing thing it was. If you healed everyone you'd eventually die before you made a drop in the bucket.
Thank god for medical tranining.
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Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2005 7:38 pm
Sept 4 - Brass Knuckles
Aegis has brass knuckles and seems to get into violent moods at times usually ranting about women. Those really hurt when you get touched by them. I've had a quiet life. my sons are healthy. Ko chews on everything and Lark is exploring the world by touching everything he can. I've had some hard times when Aegis has stolen away Ko to see Raven...I can't find the heart to charge in there and take him from her...so I steal him back like a theif...it's horrid but I want my son.
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Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2005 7:55 pm
Sept 4 - OH!!! OH!!! GUESS WHAT?!
Knives dropped off a baby a couple of weeks ago! He says it's his and Legato's fourth child. They didn't seem to want him so we got to adopt him. He's a little blondy boy with bluish tips. He's so cute Zell loves him and I do too although he's got a tail for some odd reason o_o: I don't really get that but I love the little guy. We've named him Vast. No last name yet. We can't figure out a good one for him. Not to mention does he take his original parents or ours? Either way he watches Zell like a hawk when he's practicing and seems to be pretty strong. He's a smart little guy but he has my wandering instinct...he reminds me of me when I was a kid the way he scampers about playfully getting into everything.
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Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2005 8:18 pm
Sept 4 - Another son
I had another son. I think I like this one. He's small and odd. Unlike the other ones he's less bizzare and isn't trying to kill me. There isn't much use in trying to dislike him. Knives has named him Himmel. He is a very quiet child...not very smart in some ways it seems. Knives seems to like him...we also have a cat. A little black cat that Knives knows from his past as well. We've named it Kuroneko. It likes to live here despite the fact that we've dropped from windows.
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