hello all sorry i haven't been able to introduce myself. im 23 years old and have a crazy life. alot of people would think of me as well a bad person condidering what i have done. almost 1 and half ago i was married still am the marriage went sour real fast only married for 1 year ive dated him for 4 year proior. while the marrage went sour really fast. his good friend was always there trying to help us when he realized my husband was not the person he new he kept trying to help me out. my husband wouldnt get a job and if he did by the god of grace he would get himself fired or purposefully do a crapy job. after 6 jobs in a little amount of time and countless arguments because we werent happy. especally him. on top of me having 6 miscarrages. he snaped. unfortnetly it was on my mom and grandmother scareing her to death making her cry. that was it he just up and left me.. abandoned me.. hes in arizona. he wanted back but i had already agreed to try and date his friend. i needed time i continued to date his friend josph and next thing i know im helping him win his twins from another relationship in a custody battle. we won.. i luv them to death. so we moved in together trying to make things work while my real husband is in another state... trying to find himself. i felt like i was pushing for a divorce. i dont know why. then next thing i know after that. im preganat with his friends lil girl.. she is know one month old and she is my sunshine.. i have limited contact with my husband.. and this relationship im in know is going sour.. he keeps coming up with excises about looking for a job he sleeps 24 7 and plays video games i take care of the kids he helps a lil and he resents me from making him move from orange county to redlands. we are on welfare and unfortnetly he didnt listen to people and instead of transfering he cancled and wanted to restart so this month we get no food no rent. i have been feeling horribly guilty about my real husband and miss him really bad.. he was gentle and funny and very careing.. atleast he tried getting a job.. know my relationship know is getting very questionable. my parents hate this guy.. they are always on me how wrong im doing things and how irreasponsable he is.. i am trying to breast feed the the guy ate all our left over food which was limited and left me with little i lost 40 pounds in two weeks.. he gained 15.. im still weak and trying to prove i can take care of things on my own so he would get a job.. i want to run.. but i think thats the wrong idea.. im afraid i totally screwed things up and i dont thing my real husband will forgive me... nor do i think this guy will let me keep my daughter.. if i go.. hel fight for her.. i have no money.. nothing its not like im being hit. or anything its just i feel like a bad guy listening to my parent crunch on me always asking what are you gunna do.. but when i think i have the guts to tell this bf to scadadle i look at those twins of his and cant do it.. im overwhlemed and all my friends are out of state or i lost them.. i really loved my husband and still do and i think its making this worse..i have no number to him just e-mail. and i know were his mom works.. and i know were his step dad lives... but me showing up on there doorstep with another mans baby asking were he is,. is just horribly wrtong.. i dug myself a whole really deep.. i know but know i want to fix it.. for my daughter... i have been going to school and know im about to graduate with my associates and have been accepted to there master program.. in health care admin..i dont know what to tell me parents and dont know what to tell anybody else.. pleas talk to me i need somone to talk to i dont know what to do.. please let me know what you think i should do..

and please dont talk down or bad about me i think i beat myself up bad enough as it is..
thank you and sorry the post is so long.