so many of my friends are having a wonderful day today
yet i feel like s**t
i feel lower than dirt
what friends am i talking about truly?
i don't know....eeky.....we're not real true friends though
kiara? i don't know
people i know online? maybe
but that's so horrible.....i know tons of people in real life, and many of them like me alot.....alot......and i know alot of people that would almost kill to be close to me...to be tight....but i never let anyone in....i don't know why, am i doomed with this curse for all of humanity? will i never find true happiness? is this really the happiest i've been in all my life and the rest of my days i just have a mask on?
i don't know
i don't know anything anymore
i can't feel anything, i haven't felt anything all day
except sorrow....but the worst kind....sorrow for myself, i am so ******** conceited....and i hate it.....why must i be like every other american? craving money.....craving sex.....craving self admiration, all we really want on the inside is to be proud of ourselves
we don't care about others truly, do we?
we care about how others make ourselves feel.....if someone makes you feel like complete s**t....you don't want to be near them....but if someone makes you like yourself more, you'll strive to be with them
we're all so ignorant
no, ignorance is not bliss
i have learned this
it was a long and hard journey to figure that out, but i have, and it just makes me hate myself more
what i'm saying? i don't know
jumping around topics
rabid kangaroo thoughts probably
i don't know
i just made that up
sounds smart though no?
make me feel special and tell me it does, so i can love myself more, so i can...be another fat american
i came up with this in the shower this morning
"These days, the only thing bigger than our egos ...
...is ourselves...
we're just a bunch of fat people, fat off of conceitedness, fat off our self-loving, fat off our ignorance and disrespect for others"
what do you think?
tell me you like that too
so i can just get a higher image of myself
so i can love myself more
don't
you loathe it
you know you do, don't even try to admit you like it
damn, now i'm just being stupid
writing this to nobody
no one reads this, or at least i don't think anyone does
it'd probably be best no one did, just because if they did, i'd be more of another one of those fat americans i live with
do i live with fat americans?
sort of
we crave money and popularity like most
but we're belts, we buckle
we don't do anything out of our way to get there
we do what people tell us
we're pretty simple
of course not me,
i think i'm so much above everyone else
i'm a ******** cynic
i heard in a movie;
People always end up the way they started out. No one ever changes. They think they do, but they don't. If you're the depressed type now, that's the way you'll always be. If you're the mindless, happy type, that's the way you'll be when you grow up. You might lose some weight, your face might clear up, get a body tan, a breast enlargement, a sex change - makes no difference. Essentially... from in front, or from behind... whether you're thirteen or fifty, you'll always be the same.
i think it's true
does that mean i'm bound to this cynical person that i am? and that i will never change?
probably
but if it was possible for me to change?
would i?
i don't know....
....i'd like to see....
 erinus is god · Mon May 28, 2007 @ 04:11am · 1 Comments |
