I went on a downloading binge. Got lots of new music/songs. We'll see how long it takes before I get bored again.
Right now, Im feeling ok. Tonight I forced myself to be happy, to put on a smile and fake it. By the end of the night, I found I wasnt faking it anymore. I had a good time. Much more so than the last few days.
Next week I go to my new command. They prolly wont like me there since im a superhornet guy. But, I'll do my best and see what I can do.
My family is falling apart again. Well... I should say, Has hit a new level of falling apart. My sister is still disowned by my mother, my father is working himself into the ground to for child support, and my brothers are an oddity. Dan, he works his a** off I think for my mother. Shawn, He causes too much trouble trying to be slick. Im tired of being the mediator... which is why I havent talked to anyone from home for as long as I can remember now. At least for the last few weeks.
The days kind of have been bluring together. My whole body feels like its run down. Out of gas ya know? Im tired all the time. I havent had time for a decent mean in like 2 weeks. I work a lot because it keeps my mind off stuff. It lets me feel like I can protect people, which is why I joined in the first place. But I feel like ive taken one too many extra shifts. One too many extra duties. Plus, Ive lost sight of what Im protecting. My family? I dont think so anymore. My mother called me a failure. If im a failure, how can I protect anything ya know?
My friends have all moved on out here in cali. Dark is on cruise, so is Buss. All my friends were in my old squadron. But im not part of them anymore. Carl and his wife... we dont get along. I hide it as best as I can. I hide in my room all day. They forget im here half the time. Im glad... I wouldnt want them to see me this way anyways.
Seems I've gone and spoiled my good mood. Cant help it I guess. Im really depressed for all these reasons and more. Im losing my will to keep fighting I guess. Im drained...
I remember once, when I used to stand up for everyone. I used to laugh, come up with witty remarks, and be a general party go-er. I had so much fun. I smiled so much, my face hurt!
And now... Well, I smile less. Im a little more quiet and reserved. I dont party as much. Its like, part of me died somewhere along the lines. Im not sure what event set all this into motion. Maybe nothing did. Maybe it was there all along, and I was faking it. I cant remember now.
It makes me wonder. Who am I really. Am I Jodo, the 'fictional' character I always wanted to be and strive hard to be, or the Navy guy who sacrafices everything he has for goal that seems faded and lack luster. I dont know. Maybe Im both, maybe im neither. All I know is that there is a little knot in my heart always. It squeezes tight, choaking me. Maybe im dying. Maybe im sick. Where I am, I am truely alone. At this point, im kind of just wandering through life, looking for what im supposed to do. How am I supposed to protect people when Im like this? I cant. I dont think I ever could. Wishful thinking never got anyone anywhere, why should I have suspected it would have for me. I wish some kind of disaster would happen. Maybe then I could do something so spectacular, so great, that i could finally feel like I had done enough, given enough, shed enough blood for everyone to be happy with me.
I dont think I can reach that point. The more I think about it, the more it seems like im turning into my Father. Im working myself into the dirt. Maybe my grave. I dont know. I wish... I wish I wasnt me. I wish I could be that hero everyone says I am. But he doesnt exist in me. A hero wouldnt be this dead inside.
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