I wrote this the other day. My friends got a kick out of it. Enjoy.
Now I think about it, I'd like a pair of warm fuzzy socks. My feet are FREEZING. Yay air conditioning. Urgh, Mom turned it off a few days ago and it SUCKED. How do people live without it? Well, I assume that people the live without central air just...melt. Melt and die. Then their dogs (who have a higher tolerance for heat, apparently as they're still alive) lick up their puddles and then they die too. *DING DONG* The neighbor (who is smart and has had central air since the eighties) comes over, discovers the remains of the dog and the puddle!neighbor (because the dog dropped dead halfway through liquified pancreas) and calls the cops. The responding officer, who we shall call Haleem for now, straightens his tie and says "Looks like a homicide" and calls the FBI because he found some drugs he knows to be from Argentina. He knew this because he was dating this girl, Kacey, that was really into the nose candy if you know what I mean. ANYWAY, Haleem calls in the feds who take one look around and and say, "Its a good thing you called us, Marlene. There are some WMDs in the basement." (Actually, the responding officer was a chick named Marlene. My bad. Yeah, her ex girlfriend's was Kacey. I could never forget Kacey...) At any rate, the neighbor, Haleem (because that's his name), freaks the hell out. "If they get any hotter in this house that has no central air, we will all surely be toasted!" And Marlene and the fed (who we'll just call Haleem II) look at Haleem and raise their eyebrows. Haleem II says "You mean we'll be TOAST, right? Like...as in, dead?" and Haleem Mach I says "Nope. I mean toasted. Those aren't Weapons of Mass Destruction, they're Weapons of Marlene's Drug addiction. Duh. Can't you read?" Sure enough the exact same words are printed on the side of the very WMDish looking WMDA. Now all eyes are set on Marlene who has some explaining to do. "You've got some 'splainin' to do," Haleem and Haleem II say in very poor accents. The live audience roars with laughter as Marlene stuffs a ton of chocolate into her mouth. Shoot. Her name's not Marlene. It's Lucille. So Haleem II rolls his eyes and collects the WLDAs and brings them into the living room. While passing one to Haleem, it gets dropped and lands in the puddle!neighbor, sending a wave of liqui-human over the assembled neighbor, responding officer, and FBI agent. Everyone's grossed out and throws up except Haleem. I tell you this man knows how to hold his vomit. He pulls out a small flask the has been passed down through ten generations of the Muller family. Sadly, he has no idea who those ******** are as he stole it at a Led Zepplin concert. "You two look like you could use a drink. Sadly, I'm fresh out of whatever liquor Mom keeps in her locked cabinet that I steal from time to time and keep in this stolen flask." Haleem II and Lucille realize that a minor has just confessed to stealing, not only a family heirloom in the shape of a rusted flask, but also his mother's various liquors. The dog twitches one last death twitch and makes Lucille, Haleem II and Andy vomit yet again. (Yes. Andy. Because I say so.) The dropped WLDA that fell into the puddle!neighbor floated to a highly acidic area in the puddle and began to burn, all the while releasing a fume that screws with the vision, makes you see things that aren't there, and attracts bio-engineered bunny rabbits. At once, Lucille, Andy, and Haleem II begin to feel the effects. Andy's vision blurs. Lucille thinks she sees bio-engineered crocodiles. Haleem II corrects her by saying "No, woman! They're bio-engineered BUNNY RABBITS! Are you freaking blind?" Andy trips over the dead dog and whimpers, "I am." Lucille who is very confused, shouts, "Why are those bio-engineered crocodiles eating your brain, Yosef?" (Dude, I finally figured out Haleem II's name!) Yosef rolls his eyes and sighs. "They are crocodiles for the last time! They're RABBITS! Cute, fuzzy, bio-engineered BUNNY RABBITS!" Andy who has just walked into the freezer room, thinking it to be the bathroom, says, "The point is that they're eating your brains, man. Why is this toilet so cold?" Yosef realizes the the bio-engineered bunny rabbits are INDEED eating his brain and runs into the freezer room with Andy in a vain attempt to escapse their fuzzy evilness. Lucille tries to pet the bio-engineered crocodiles and has her brains eaten. Meanwhile, in the freezer, Andy realizes someone elses prescence, though he has no idea who it is. "I realize your prescence, stranger," Andy shouts, "though I have no idea who you are!" Yosef, wanting to play it cool, thinking that the bio-engineered bunnies won't come after him if he is not Yosef, replies, "Janet Jackson!" No, I'm just kidding. Not even our dear, effeimenent, Yosef could pull that one off. "Tis I," he shouts, "Moses!" Andy is dumbstruck and still kind of blindish. "Are you serious? Aren't you all dead and s**t? Did you bring Elijah with you? Did you ride in his chariot? That would be pretty friggin sweet. You'd get all kinds of hunnies!" Yosef!Moses slaps the boy upside the head. "Not that Moses, idiot! The one that works down the street at the deli. Don't be ridiculous." Andy suddenly cowers in fear, thinking that Yosef really is the infamous DELIMAN, Moses. Unbeknownst to Yosef, Moses has been striking fear into the hearts of many as DELIMAN, the MOST badass supervillan of all time. And only one person knows his secret identity...Andy. "I swear I didn't tell them, DELIMAN! Please! Not the bologna again!" Yosef raises his eyebrows. "I have no idea what you mean," he says in his usual I'm-way-better-than-you-cause-I'm-in-the-FBI-and-you're-sitting-on-a-stack-of-frozen-hamburger-patties kind of way, "And you realize you're sitting on a stack of frozen hamburger patties, right?" Andy stands up at once, being a vegan. Most non-vegans would have remained seated. That and his pants were down. "The more important question here, Yosef," Andy says pulling his pants up quickly, "Is why are there frozen hambuger patties in the bathroom." Yosef, not even caring to note on how Andy realized that he was not in fact Moses (he assumed that the boy got his vision back. Such is not true. Only Yosef would have known that he was vegan.), left the freezer room and went back to work at the FBI building or where ever the ******** it is they work in. Andy freezes to death. The End.
And that's why everyone should get central air. Thank you.
<3Tori
typicalxtori Community Member 
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