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Girls talk and they want to know how |
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I always used to think that this journal was for personal use... Unread ramblings where I vent, let it all out without worrying about the quality of my writing. Now that I've stopped using it as much as I used to, a lot of questions have come up including, why do you guys care? This isn't said unkindly, just curiously. The people that seem to be most concerned about reading this receive the general updates of my life as they happen! Isn't that better than reading about it here? I'll never know.
Also, do I miss this? Yes and no. I love going back through old entries, it's wonderful just to have them there. A lot of things there have become important memories, even if I didn't know it when I wrote them. Even the not so important entries make me smile because they remind me of other times. Not that I dislike the ones I'm in! It's just nice to look back, you know?
Anyway, I figured while I was sitting here in pajamas, washer and dryer churning away (thankfully not banging murderously anymore), I should do a journal entry for shits and giggles.
To get it out of the way, I will give the relationship update.
The previous entry, I talked about Darren, my long-distance darling.
The situation with him now is much different, and I'm not sure how he would feel if I said I liked it better.
A while ago, late June, I made the decision to put the relationship on hold for a while for a number of reasons, the first and foremost being the distance. Long-distance relationships are shitty, and you have to be a special kind of person to pull it off. I thought, for him, I could do it. It's worth it, right? Well, all of a sudden that all became very unclear and I began questioning where it was going. It was highly questionable when or if we would finally be able to live close enough to pull off a decent relationship, and I think that I'm too young to take that kind of time to wait. We've got our whole lives, and I don't want to limit myself in that time because of romantic fantasies that it would work. Some parts of the love story, I am too weak to handle. The waiting, the loneliness, having to settle for substitutes for real human contact. I took a good look at myself and made the decision that I'm not mature enough to handle a long-distance relationship... And even if he thinks that I'm the be-all-end-all, I don't want to limit him either. To prove my point, he's met someone recently that he may have something going on with, and I'm so happy about it I could burst. I love seeing him happy, and since he got his new job and such, he's been his usual cheerful self and I love it. I still love him to death, but it's not time for us. Maybe one day! He's still one of the most wonderful friends I could ever ask for.
The other side of this is the notorious Other Man that pops up every once in a while. The thing about this guy is that if I didn't take the chance to be with him that I have received, I would regret it forever... and I'm not one to regret much. I've talked about him before in the Nov 28 entry:
I I just have too much to say about him. Too much... I can't even begin to describe how honestly wonderful this has been for me. So cliché, but all my fantasies have come true. He stuns me. Beautiful, beautiful person. Every aspect of him is the embodiment of beauty. Not just physically (though I'm hardly complaining about the eye candy), but intellectually... Wow. Only person I've met that I truly feel I could call an artist. I just feel like yelling from rooftops, dancing through the streets, taking hold of him and crushing him in an embrace neither of us want to escape. His very existance in my life almost feels like an epiphany, a declaration of "So, this is what it's all about. This is why I wake up in the morning."
The last sentence describes how I've always felt about him, and it feels good to read it again. Every once in a while I can express myself pretty damn well!
This second time around is even more miraculous than the first. Things are different now... A lot of things are different. It's like fate's pieces just fell into the right spots on their own accord. Previously, there were factors that made me promise myself I wouldn't involve myself with him again until they were gone, and they've kindly disappeared, paving my path to him.
We talk more than we ever did before. About us, I mean. Problems are (eventually) discussed and solved. We tackle all those little things, all those little insecurities one at a time, creating something wonderful that I am blissful to be able to experience. I can admit more to him than anyone, divulging things about myself I've never had the stomach to tell other people, revealing feelings and problems I've always kept hidden. It's a relief not to deal with everything by myself anymore. He always knows what I'm talking about...
Anyone who knows me know that I've always hated being babied and taken care of, always the excessively-independent one. For some reason he really calms that. I love being taken care of and protected by him. He makes me feel so safe and it makes me happy when he's concerned about me, or gets angry when I don't take care of myself. He's literally been good for my health!
Unfortunately, at the end of the summer, he's moving. Not too far away... And there's a good chance I can see him every other week, which is perfect since I need to focus on school, and I can assure you that he can do a very good job distracting me from things I'm supposed to do. On top of that, he made me promise to do well and let him help me with schoolwork when he visits me... It delights me that he wants me to do well and refuses to get in the way of that, even if I'm perfectly happy to forfeit a responsibility or two to spend time with him. Tsk. Shame on me.
On the topic of school...
EEEK!
I'm going into my grade 12 year, and while that's mildly exciting, it's ******** SCARY.
This is the year where, if I ******** up academically, I ******** up EVERYTHING.
I really want to be studious and good this year. No talking in class... School isn't supposed to be fun!
Music class is the only place I might let go of that a little. We are WAY too much fun.
This is the year where one will look at their classmates for the last time before Real Life starts and you never see any of them again. I think I'm supposed to be sad about that, but truthfully I'm not too worried about it. The people that I do care about will keep in contact, and if they don't, then I'm inclined to think that it doesn't matter. I don't mean to sound cold, but it happens! People come in and out of your life, and if things happen and you lose touch, then maybe you were meant to. Sometimes it's better to reconnect in a few years then strain things through those years. Highschool is an ugly little speck on one's lifespan, and while there are a lot of things I'll treasure from my time being in it, I won't be too sorry to wave goodbye to my graduating class. I'm ready for bigger and better things, so BRING IT ON.
(Just wait until my REAL end-of-highschool speech.)
So that zombie movie that I completed and handed off to the director...
Well, the director is an a*****e. Haha. He just has problems getting his s**t together, so it's on "hiatus". I have reason to believe that it will NEVER HAPPEN.
I haven't got any sort of contract going, so if anyone is an aspiring director and is interested in a craptacular zombie flick... I've got a nice little script for you to skim through...
The last guy's problem was partly budgeting I think, and issues with people cancelling AND issues with transportation to the locations. He just fails at organizing his stuff. As far as I know, this movie should NOT BE TOO DIFFICULT. I know I just wrote the script, but that means I've dictated exactly what's going to happen. Of course it all depends how one decides to do it, but it can't be that difficult to put together. The biggest thing I think would be clearing out areas and getting all the zombie parts filled... Oh yeah, and that's a shitload of makeup.
One day I'll see my babies on the screen... One day...
So I've been working, sort of. I've been working where my mom works, doing things as they need me. It's a lot of data entry and such. I liked when I was putting in the information about the poor, broken cellphones and reading the little paper to see what was wrong with them. There were so many ugly phones... A few of them were really DIRTY! One HAS to think, "Well no WONDER they're broken!" I felt sorry for a big box of cellphones because the poor things just weren't taken care of. I wanted to take them all home and read them bedtime stories and give them hugs...
In any case, this job has been a really good resume-builder, so I'm hoping to be able to get a REAL job very soon. I want to work at the crappy, cheap mall nearby. I think it would be convenient. When I do stuff, I do stuff at that mall usually. Errands, I mean. Like getting stamps! I used to get makeup at the drug store there, but now since I don't wear makeup anymore, I guess now.
It's been REALLY nice not wearing makeup. It feels so good to be natural. I've come to realize that maybe my face isn't so scary after all. Sure, maybe I'll break out once in a while. However, I'm a highschool student, and highschool students are the people I see. If anyone can understand an occasional breakout, it's them. If not, they're assholes and that's nothing new.
This summer, I saw a sexy thing. A VERY sexy thing. I don't want to say too much about it except that it was orgasmically amazing and someone has been kind enough to capture some so you can see how amazing my life is [x].
Also: People that believe they are siblings even when told otherwise are assholes.
So I'm going to TRY to keep writing this summer and throughout the school year, it's always good to keep my feelings and experiences in check. Apparently you guys read this, so I guess it'll be good for you too.
This has done a good job at lifting my bad mood a little. Nothing gets me down more than my man in a bad mood and not being able to be there with him.
That's all I can think of to write in this update... Have a nice day, guys.
 [Larn] · Thu Aug 09, 2007 @ 11:38pm · 1 Comments |
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![[Larn]](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/a2/0d/3f517a8d100da2.png?t=1246062646_6.00_11 "[Larn]")