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- d**k Clark

My soundtrack is now officially one that even mediocre Christians would shy away from as being F*&$^%#@ing nuts.

Ok, it's been about a month since my last rant on here, and there are evidently a good many things that can happen in one month.

First the semi-lighter things: I'm now a high-school graduate. I think some of my teachers gave me more than a little 'help' to get here, and I both thank and curse them for it. (After reading that, I realize it probably merits further explanation.) I'm grateful that they deemed me worthy enough to engage in what is obviously a discouraged practice (if not downright illegal), it shows me that they think very highly of me and that they believe that I should have graduated. I hate, not the fact that I needed it (that was my own fault, and I was willing to accept the responsibility for it), but the fcat that it's showing me that I can get away with this s**t. And it does. I've been doing it for years, and for years teachers have thought of me as such a 'good person' that I should've passed. And yes, it's as much my fault (probably considerably more my fault) for not changing what I recognize to be an enourmous character flaw, but dadgummit padding my grades sure ain't helping.

I at least wasn't the only guy that cried at graduation like I thought I'd be. Sean C. and I were both moved unto tears at the thought of bidding farewell to so many of our best friends of the last 7 or so years. Sean was called upon to make the 'best wishes' speech at the end of the ceremony, and as is usual with the jolly giant, he did a most admirable job. Short, sweet, to the point, and quite poignant. Afterwards, I just kinda walked around, telling my friends (who have been my saviors for the past few years) to "Have a wonderful life, ok?" A very bitter-sweet day to be sure, but I'm finding that the sweetness is only going to come after a bit of aging. Especially since all my friends of the senior class are now headed off to college, while I can now look forward to another 1.25 years of psuedo-Hell.

On that: pssshhheewww... where to begin?

Well, how 'bout I pick up where I left off the last time...

As I wrote that last article a month ago, there was that incredibly scary and sobering instance of poisoning. At that time, and in fact well before it, I was aware of plans that my mother was making to leave here, and go stay with her parents in Michigan. I didn't dare write it here, or anywhere else, or tell anyone, for fear that my father should find out and prevent it. My mom needed to get out, and she has. She's been gone for about three weeks now. And in those three weeks, there's been some serious world shakin' goin' on.

Let me make this clear (to myself as much as to anyone reading): I still, and doubt that I ever will, have no trust in my 'beloved' father. I have no love for him, nor compassion, nor sympathy. He earned every bit of this divorce. But that's old news and I've lived with that. What's frightening the pants off me now is that I'm losing the amounts of those that I had for my mother.

I've tried to be as objectional and rational in my observations of this divorce as I could. This doesn't mean that I didn't have an opinion, nor that I sided with anyone, it simply means that I tried my best not to take whatever was said, done, or alleged, at anything more than face value.
I tried my best to where the only evidence presented that I could trust would be the evidence that I witnessed or heard myself, not what someone else said happened.

It's scary finding out just how badly I may have failed.

It's scary wondering if I'm failing at that now...

In the weeks since my mom left, certain... "things" have come out that make me wonder just what in the hell has really been going on here for the last year. I still belive that the divorce was necessary, but I'm starting to think that my mother wasn't nearly the innocent that I believed her to be.

It's like when Neo learns of the true nature of the matrix. When he learns that everything in his life up to this point may have been some horrible and perfect lie designed to keep him quiet, in place, and productive. I'm amazed he only puked and fainted. It's world shattering. And everytime I talk to my mom on the phone, the feeling in my stomach that something very ghastly has been going on only increases. But now, I don't have a 10 hour reprieve every day. I can't waltz into school, put on a happy face, and lose myself in the merriment and chicanery of comforting people. Were not in Kansas anymore Queenie...

And the worst feeling of all? This is a situation where no one wins.

On the one hand, I find out that my mother has lied to me consistently and visciously over the course of the last 9 months. On the other, I've allowed my father to do it again for the last 2 months.

s**t. What the hell ever happened to my belief that peoplpe are inherrantly good beings...