I hate for this to be a complete buzz kill but I need someone to talk to about my life. I feel like my life is falling apart right now. Its so strange. I do not know what it is. Well, its nothing completely bad but its affecting me strongly. Since I am eighteen my mom tells me I can do what I want but she is always getting on me with the things that I do. If I go over to my brother and sister in law's apartment she will say go ahead and then call later on when I am there and say how she is angry with me and doesn't approve of me going over there. She is holding these guilt trips over my head and makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. While my little fourteen year old brother gets to go out to the bowling alley area and hang out with kids that do drugs and drink. My mom hardly ever makes him feel bad for what he does. My brother went to court in August and there was a 9:00pm curfew set and he doesn't follow it and my mom allows him to go out and do things that he wants to do. While I can go out and do things too but she makes me feel utterly and completely awful for doing so.
With that in mind I brought it up with my mom on Wednesday and we got into an argument. You see my mom is a strong woman and I rarely ever see her cry and she started to cry while I was crying too. She just doesn't understand how I feel about this whole thing and I hate it. And Kim came home and comforted mom while I called my brother and sister in law and told them. I went over to there house and hung out with them for a while. Then I spent the night with them on Friday and had some fun with no drama. And I went back over to there house Saturday night to hang out. I love going over to there house for the stress-free environment. But my mom hates it because she thinks I am being mean. My little brother was banned from coming over to Brian and Christine's house because of him always being a noisy kid and looking for drugs and stuff...and thats all he wants is to take Christine's prescribed drugs to get high!! And mom doesn't see the wrong because she says that Brian is Derek's role model and its all Brian's fault and then it gets dragged over my head like a heavy rain cloud that doesn't seem to want to go away. It makes me sad that what I do with my life is always wrong because I need to watch out for my little brother and my mom doesn't feel that right anymore. Her and Kim are never home anymore and when they are they never want to have a family night anymore. It blows big time. My mom and I have fought more now than ever in my ENTIRE life....this is stupid.
On Saturday Kim went to visit her family for the weekend and Mom wanted to spend time with Derek and I but I had other plans for pedicures with Christine. I was going to come back and watch a movie with my mom but she up and left to visit a friend so I stayed over their apartment. The only time Mom wants family time is when Kim isn't home and she has to be alone. It made me feel horrible to the point where I was bawling my eyes out. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling like I am making bad decisions with all that I am doing and being told to do everything in the house. Clean up this mess, clean up that mess, take the trash out, make sure Derek gets home safe and go to high school, college and work. With homework on top of that. Its sooo much stress that I feel like I might collapse. I have these HSPA tests on Tuesday. When we are in 11th grade we take these tests High School Proficiency Assessment which is the test that allows you to pass high school. If you fail the test(regardless of having all A's) you fail high school. I failed the Math part of it and everyday for the past three weeks I have been coming to school early to study for it. And I am terrified of failing it again and that adds to my stress. If I fail it again I have to quit my job and take evening classes for the next test in March. And if I fail in March I won't walk at graduation and I have to take summer school! All this stress is really bounding on the head and making me sick to my stomach. PLUS I have NO Sundays to myself anymore. I have Open Houses in these colleges and universities to go to....I was relieved to know that we weren't going to any college this weekend. I have college on Saturdays, every Saturday...and this Saturday coming up we have a test and I am afraid to fail to. I need to really study for it. Its scary, it really is. I am so afraid to fail, again. It took THREE times to pass my WRITTEN test to get a Permit to drive and TWO times to pass the test when I was in a car. And I failed the GEPA(Grade Eight Proficiency Assessment) Math which is a test we take in 8th grade....I do not know what to do. I am so buried in everything right now. Its horrid.
...
On lighter news, I have a guy problem...sorta. I thought I had a guy triangle problem going on but its turning out to be something completely different. Two Saturdays ago I went to a bonfire with my sister in law and my brother. I have a crush on my brother's friend Aaron. He is in my photos, remember I told you about him? He is 21 years old and I really like him because he is a genuinely nice person. Did I tell you about the girl he likes in North Carolina? Well Aaron likes this girl in North Carolina but they aren't dating right now. Aaron is dating girls up here in New Jersey and that girl is dating guys down in North Carolina. Right now she even has a boyfriend who just went into the army. And Aaron, on his myspace page, it says he is looking for the perfect girlfriend. And I dunno what is going on with that one! Anyway, on Wednesday when I had that fight with my mom Aaron was over their apartment. I didn't talk to him about my problems they were pushed to the back burner for the moment. And that was the first time I saw him since the bonfire. He knew that I liked him at this point and I tried to act casual with him. I sat next to him and I flirted a bit with him and he eventually stopped looking uncomfortable around me. Then I spent the night over my brother's apartment on Friday and Aaron was there, again. But we really didn't talk or anything, I just stared at him and he caught me sometimes! But what really is confusing, I came over on Saturday afternoon and painted my sister in law's toenails and she did the same with me. Aaron was there but he brought over Gary. I know Gary. I met him when my brother and sister in law had my birthday get together. He was there. Anyway, Aaron and I talked, I sat next to him and I flirted with him and all. Then night fell and we went outside and we played a bit of football. We just threw around the football and had some fun. And then we would(well not me) take Jello shots, which is alcohol with jello...frozen. It was Aaron, Gary, Brian and Christine then me. But I didn't drink and we would talk and have fun. Then Aaron left to grab some chairs and I was inside with Christine and Gary. Gary out of the blue asked if I was dating Mark. Mark is my brother's other friend but him and I are more like siblings than anything else...at all. And I said no way and he nodded his head. And Christine brought up how I was looking for a boyfriend but isn't going to rush into anything. Gary was all like you are cute and all and I bet I'll find someone. I didn't think nothing of it.
So Aaron came back and forgot the chairs so we brought down some and set them outside. Then we played football again and threw around the ball. The field next to the apartment is very big. So at one end is Brian and Christine, then Aaron and Me and Gary. Well it was going good and eventually Christine went inside and so did Gary. Then I threw the ball around with Brian and Aaron. Gary came down and played well I went up to hang with Christine. She told me that Gary was thinking about asking me out! I do NOT like Gary like that at all, there absolutely NO attraction for me. And I got really nervous, I do not want to break his heart and say no to him. But I might have to. Gary is cute and has an AWESOME personality but it just wouldn't workout for him and I because I just do not like him so much in that way. Anyway eventually Gary had to sit out of the game because of his shoulder. So it was just Brian, Christine on one end and Aaron and I on the other end. Well I would jump in front of Aaron and not allow him to get the ball and he would tease and come up behind me and scare me as I threw the football. It was a huge flirting thing between him and I. I would hit him and he never touched me but he would push me lightly when he walked past me. It was great. We all would take breaks and sit in the chairs and talk. Gary the whole night said that I was cute and it made me feel uncomfortable. There is just something about Gary that I don't like and I do not know how to describe it but it really makes me uneasy when I am alone with him. I do not know. He is a sweet, caring and such a great guy...so I dunno what it is about him...really I don't.
When we all sitting in a circle just talking I even got the courage up to gently touch his knee! I do not know what got into me but I did. And he really didn't seem to mind at all. I sat next to him when we all sat in this circle and he would gently kick my foot when I had my legs crossed. It was just really nice. All we really did was flirt and I liked it because he finally seemed to open up to me just a bit more than before. As we hang out more he seems to warm up to me more and more. And it was great. Eventually we brought the chairs up and sat inside. But I had to leave because it was close to midnight and I can't drive at midnight, thats my time limit. So I said good-bye to everyone and I left. Then I called Christine to let her know that I was home. She told me that as soon as I left Aaron said that he had a great time and gave a thumps up...he never does that! So I guess it was good because I helped it out a bit. It was great. But this whole Gary thing really confuses me. I know for a fact that I do not like him like that and I doubt I ever will.....I do not like it. Gary is 21 too by the way.
I do not know what to do about all this. I am just going to go with the flow and see what happens with that. I dunno.
On top of all of this I feel myself drifting from my dear friends in high school. I feel as if they are being mean to me and are NOT supportive of ANY of my actions. They just seem to want to put me down and I am so freakin' tired of being there for my friends and them not being there for me. Screw them for all I care.
All of this is coming at me too hard and I hate it. I feel like no one is listening to me and no one hears what I am saying. I just feel like I am screaming at the top of my lungs and everyone is deaf to it. No one understands and all they want to do is put me down because I told them my TRUE opinion of what I think and feel. It makes me want to cry, to scream, to destroy anything breakable to get someone to notice me. All of these stupid conflicting feelings are running through me and I am having a hard time controlling them.
...
I'm sorry this is like a book, I know. I just have a lot on my mind.
Thanks for reading this whole thing and getting through it.
Much love
Sarah
<3333333
With that in mind I brought it up with my mom on Wednesday and we got into an argument. You see my mom is a strong woman and I rarely ever see her cry and she started to cry while I was crying too. She just doesn't understand how I feel about this whole thing and I hate it. And Kim came home and comforted mom while I called my brother and sister in law and told them. I went over to there house and hung out with them for a while. Then I spent the night with them on Friday and had some fun with no drama. And I went back over to there house Saturday night to hang out. I love going over to there house for the stress-free environment. But my mom hates it because she thinks I am being mean. My little brother was banned from coming over to Brian and Christine's house because of him always being a noisy kid and looking for drugs and stuff...and thats all he wants is to take Christine's prescribed drugs to get high!! And mom doesn't see the wrong because she says that Brian is Derek's role model and its all Brian's fault and then it gets dragged over my head like a heavy rain cloud that doesn't seem to want to go away. It makes me sad that what I do with my life is always wrong because I need to watch out for my little brother and my mom doesn't feel that right anymore. Her and Kim are never home anymore and when they are they never want to have a family night anymore. It blows big time. My mom and I have fought more now than ever in my ENTIRE life....this is stupid.
On Saturday Kim went to visit her family for the weekend and Mom wanted to spend time with Derek and I but I had other plans for pedicures with Christine. I was going to come back and watch a movie with my mom but she up and left to visit a friend so I stayed over their apartment. The only time Mom wants family time is when Kim isn't home and she has to be alone. It made me feel horrible to the point where I was bawling my eyes out. I hate this feeling. I hate feeling like I am making bad decisions with all that I am doing and being told to do everything in the house. Clean up this mess, clean up that mess, take the trash out, make sure Derek gets home safe and go to high school, college and work. With homework on top of that. Its sooo much stress that I feel like I might collapse. I have these HSPA tests on Tuesday. When we are in 11th grade we take these tests High School Proficiency Assessment which is the test that allows you to pass high school. If you fail the test(regardless of having all A's) you fail high school. I failed the Math part of it and everyday for the past three weeks I have been coming to school early to study for it. And I am terrified of failing it again and that adds to my stress. If I fail it again I have to quit my job and take evening classes for the next test in March. And if I fail in March I won't walk at graduation and I have to take summer school! All this stress is really bounding on the head and making me sick to my stomach. PLUS I have NO Sundays to myself anymore. I have Open Houses in these colleges and universities to go to....I was relieved to know that we weren't going to any college this weekend. I have college on Saturdays, every Saturday...and this Saturday coming up we have a test and I am afraid to fail to. I need to really study for it. Its scary, it really is. I am so afraid to fail, again. It took THREE times to pass my WRITTEN test to get a Permit to drive and TWO times to pass the test when I was in a car. And I failed the GEPA(Grade Eight Proficiency Assessment) Math which is a test we take in 8th grade....I do not know what to do. I am so buried in everything right now. Its horrid.
...
On lighter news, I have a guy problem...sorta. I thought I had a guy triangle problem going on but its turning out to be something completely different. Two Saturdays ago I went to a bonfire with my sister in law and my brother. I have a crush on my brother's friend Aaron. He is in my photos, remember I told you about him? He is 21 years old and I really like him because he is a genuinely nice person. Did I tell you about the girl he likes in North Carolina? Well Aaron likes this girl in North Carolina but they aren't dating right now. Aaron is dating girls up here in New Jersey and that girl is dating guys down in North Carolina. Right now she even has a boyfriend who just went into the army. And Aaron, on his myspace page, it says he is looking for the perfect girlfriend. And I dunno what is going on with that one! Anyway, on Wednesday when I had that fight with my mom Aaron was over their apartment. I didn't talk to him about my problems they were pushed to the back burner for the moment. And that was the first time I saw him since the bonfire. He knew that I liked him at this point and I tried to act casual with him. I sat next to him and I flirted a bit with him and he eventually stopped looking uncomfortable around me. Then I spent the night over my brother's apartment on Friday and Aaron was there, again. But we really didn't talk or anything, I just stared at him and he caught me sometimes! But what really is confusing, I came over on Saturday afternoon and painted my sister in law's toenails and she did the same with me. Aaron was there but he brought over Gary. I know Gary. I met him when my brother and sister in law had my birthday get together. He was there. Anyway, Aaron and I talked, I sat next to him and I flirted with him and all. Then night fell and we went outside and we played a bit of football. We just threw around the football and had some fun. And then we would(well not me) take Jello shots, which is alcohol with jello...frozen. It was Aaron, Gary, Brian and Christine then me. But I didn't drink and we would talk and have fun. Then Aaron left to grab some chairs and I was inside with Christine and Gary. Gary out of the blue asked if I was dating Mark. Mark is my brother's other friend but him and I are more like siblings than anything else...at all. And I said no way and he nodded his head. And Christine brought up how I was looking for a boyfriend but isn't going to rush into anything. Gary was all like you are cute and all and I bet I'll find someone. I didn't think nothing of it.
So Aaron came back and forgot the chairs so we brought down some and set them outside. Then we played football again and threw around the ball. The field next to the apartment is very big. So at one end is Brian and Christine, then Aaron and Me and Gary. Well it was going good and eventually Christine went inside and so did Gary. Then I threw the ball around with Brian and Aaron. Gary came down and played well I went up to hang with Christine. She told me that Gary was thinking about asking me out! I do NOT like Gary like that at all, there absolutely NO attraction for me. And I got really nervous, I do not want to break his heart and say no to him. But I might have to. Gary is cute and has an AWESOME personality but it just wouldn't workout for him and I because I just do not like him so much in that way. Anyway eventually Gary had to sit out of the game because of his shoulder. So it was just Brian, Christine on one end and Aaron and I on the other end. Well I would jump in front of Aaron and not allow him to get the ball and he would tease and come up behind me and scare me as I threw the football. It was a huge flirting thing between him and I. I would hit him and he never touched me but he would push me lightly when he walked past me. It was great. We all would take breaks and sit in the chairs and talk. Gary the whole night said that I was cute and it made me feel uncomfortable. There is just something about Gary that I don't like and I do not know how to describe it but it really makes me uneasy when I am alone with him. I do not know. He is a sweet, caring and such a great guy...so I dunno what it is about him...really I don't.
When we all sitting in a circle just talking I even got the courage up to gently touch his knee! I do not know what got into me but I did. And he really didn't seem to mind at all. I sat next to him when we all sat in this circle and he would gently kick my foot when I had my legs crossed. It was just really nice. All we really did was flirt and I liked it because he finally seemed to open up to me just a bit more than before. As we hang out more he seems to warm up to me more and more. And it was great. Eventually we brought the chairs up and sat inside. But I had to leave because it was close to midnight and I can't drive at midnight, thats my time limit. So I said good-bye to everyone and I left. Then I called Christine to let her know that I was home. She told me that as soon as I left Aaron said that he had a great time and gave a thumps up...he never does that! So I guess it was good because I helped it out a bit. It was great. But this whole Gary thing really confuses me. I know for a fact that I do not like him like that and I doubt I ever will.....I do not like it. Gary is 21 too by the way.
I do not know what to do about all this. I am just going to go with the flow and see what happens with that. I dunno.
On top of all of this I feel myself drifting from my dear friends in high school. I feel as if they are being mean to me and are NOT supportive of ANY of my actions. They just seem to want to put me down and I am so freakin' tired of being there for my friends and them not being there for me. Screw them for all I care.
All of this is coming at me too hard and I hate it. I feel like no one is listening to me and no one hears what I am saying. I just feel like I am screaming at the top of my lungs and everyone is deaf to it. No one understands and all they want to do is put me down because I told them my TRUE opinion of what I think and feel. It makes me want to cry, to scream, to destroy anything breakable to get someone to notice me. All of these stupid conflicting feelings are running through me and I am having a hard time controlling them.
...
I'm sorry this is like a book, I know. I just have a lot on my mind.
Thanks for reading this whole thing and getting through it.
Much love
Sarah
<3333333
