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To those who think I have forgotten them, I remember you each every day. I hope maybe soon, with the choice I am preparing to make, I'll be able to find strength to come back to everything I have left behind.
I've come to believe more in the fact that I've developed a 2nd personality. I feel more and more that I'm torn between one mind and another. There is the one who is the lightbringer, everything I've ever tried to be in all that I do. There is the other who creates blight and destruction in the world, wrecking havoc upon all who surround him. He is all that I hate in the world, and some manner of being that is darker than black.
For a long time now, the lightbringer is the one that has shown to the people around me. The strange, yet good willed, compassionate person that people have come to enjoy the company of. I have friends, and more and more I can feel life returning to my heart. At the same time though, the creature is flawed. He is burdened by his shame, of the deeds he know he has done wrong and the things he wishes he could correct. His compassion and mercy are so extended out of his feelings of shame, that he hurts himself trying to maintain it all. In a sense, it is how he pays his penance for what he does wrong. For what he does wrong, he must repay a hundred fold. Even if it is at the cost of himself, he cannot go against his own laws. The laws he has set in place for himself, like chains that bind him to the ground. They are everything that defines him, and the same things that cut his flesh. They are all that bind his desire from overpowering him and letting someone hurt because of his own selfishness. They are that which force him to smile when all he wants to do is scream in pain. He, in and of himself is a wonder. He gives endlessly, and asks almost nothing in return, as though his kindness was an abundant resource he can just afford to give away. He does all this most of all though, cause he knows he contains a demon. He is all that stands between the complete and utter ruination of what he loves. Enter, the blightcaller....
He thinks only of himself, and forgets the wants and needs of everyone else. Damn the rest, why should he watch over them? Especially if they don't fall into his agenda. A constantly woven tapestry of manipulation and illusions. The people around him are more his pawns then they are his friends. He will do whatever is necessary in order to prosper and grow, seeking his own strength, even if it is at the cost of another. He cannot die, or more he absolutely refuses to. His selfishness extends so far as to live, no matter how unsightly the method. He is that which will crush even the sweetest of hearts with the nightmares and horrors his controls. A putrid pitiful exsistance, yet in it lies terrible strength. While he may care less for the people around him, nothing seems to be able to stop him. At every challenge, he conquers it effortlessly in his own way, drawing forth some manner of demonic hatred and vengence. Going from nothing to something amazing whenever the situation calls for it....
I'm torn between the 2 of them constantly. The "darkness" so to say has been pushing more and more into my thoughts, clouding my kind nature, and even forcing it's own way through into much more outward concience. I fear that the experimentation I've been doing has had more side-effects than I would have hoped for. I've spent free moments of my time, over quite a long period of time now attempting to harness that dark creature. Every time though, only ending in the lightbringer stepping up and pushing it back into its hole. The two identities clash horribly, and every time it's proven that the only one who can win is the lightbringer, who always seems to give up another part of himself to contain the miserable creature. In essence, I'm decaying. The foremost part of me is falling apart under the strain of all its bonds, and the dark creature is too wild and violent to be simply controlled and used. The gap between the 2 of them only grows. They refuse to coexsist, as much as I try and make them. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.
Thusly, as the result of some advice of a friend, I'm going to be spending a lot of time alone. I'm going to attempt to embrace the blacker part of my heart. If I stay as I am, I'll only allow myself to become fish food. I need that ability to grow, and pull myself out of miserable situations. I will never become anything more than I am without it. At the same time, I'm going to become something I've grown to hate. A miserable little creature who seeks delight and sustainance in the suffering and torment of other creatures. A pitiful exsistance, but a long lasting, much more .... enjoyable one. Giving in to what pleasure offers, and what sin can put in his pocket. I know there are those who would call me foolish or moronic, but I want to live. I'm barely alive as it is anymore, and so....
Seek not the path of light, it leads to blind faith, and endless suffering in the name of good. Darkness offers warmth and understanding, a place by the fire, and a warm meal in your belly. Neglecting the black and heartless, is to invite self ruination onto one's self. You can never aspire to be anything more than what you already are.
Empyrial Entity · Tue Oct 09, 2007 @ 09:00am · 1 Comments |
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