I have had so many different issues going on with me lately that its crazy to even place them all here. And guess what its only been a month a few days since my last journal entry. Many more family problems than guy problems right now. My little brother, as you know, has been going out to the bowling alley and smoking cigerattes and possibly doing drugs. I hate it. My little brother about a week and a half ago just came home from his two week rehab place. Derek was in rehab because of some reason, I can not really remember what but I think he argued with my mom and stuff. Well he was in there and wrote a letter to us and it said that he had done crack with some guy that had a warrent out for his arrest. Mine you I haven't believed a thing my brother has said to me lately. But that is totally crap. My mom was trying to get his court date pushed up so she can get him into a long term rehab because my brother has bi-polar disorder and is considered 'mentally' ill. Well he came back and we all thought it would be good. My mom went out and bought him new clothes a whole new closet full of clothes and everything had been nice and dandy. He was watching a movie with us and he up and left the household to go to the bowling alley. Whatever.
But Derek had been doing good after that and my older brother, Brian, and my sister in law, Christine, had invited Derek over and let him spend the night. Of course I was there too. It was going good, there were no compliants about him and he didn't do anything wrong. We all thought he was changing. Well the four of us invited our dad and his child, our little half-brother who is five, to come over and have dinner. It was such a nice time and I loved it. Everything was perfect and I played video games with Robert, my little half-brother, and we just had a nice laugh and we all were getting along. I had a great weekend with my family and I thought things were getting a sense of 'normal'. I was wrong. Very wrong. Before I went home with Derek he promised Brian and Christine that he wouldn't leave our house and would stay home. Well, we got home safe and sound. We all got settled down and we were watching a movie. Than next thing I know after an hour of the movie Derek goes up stairs to his room and comes back down saying he couldn't stay home any longer. Mom, Kim and I did nothing to provoke him to leave. Nothing at all. We were all having a good family get together like the weekend. But he just couldn't stay home he was feeling antsy and he left. My mom let it go. Than he left again the next night and my mom did nothing. He got home at curfew which is 11:00pm but he said he would be home at 9:00pm. Than today. My brother was going to an out-patient rehab for the past couple of weeks when he got out of his in-patient rehab and today was his first day back into school. Well he cussed all of his teachers out and went off campus to smoke a cigeratte. My mom went and got him and took him down to the police station. Well the police refused to arrest him and sent my mom to a mental health place. Derek and her were there for three hours establishing help sites for Derek. Towards the end he cussed out the person and mom and they came home. Derek than went out and my mom called the police. A cop came to our house and got a grasp on the situation and layed it all down. Then the cop left and picked Derek up and brought him home.
Derek wouldn't calm down and was paceing and not feeling good. Derek said the only way he could calm down was getting a cigeratte. I said thats too bad for you you have to suffer. Well my mom thought different. She said she would go out and buy him a pack and monitor the ones she gave him. Whatever. I was pissed. When I do or have done something wrong I got punished for it. Now that I am eighteen she can not really punish me for I am an adult in the eyes of the legal system. But that is just entirely unfair for me. Derek gets away with murder and no one stops him. Kim tries to explain to mom about everything. She hated the idea of buying him cigerattes but went along with it anyway. I hate this. Its freakin' stupid. I dunno about anything anymore. It is just not fair anymore. And its not going good at all. My family life is falling apart and I dunno how to stop it. I need to distance myself in such a way that I am not entirely involved. I am an adult and need to start seeing myself as one. I still feel like a kid and I still am but its harder for me to let go of everything. I sometimes wish everything would just be alright and there would be no drama at all. Nothing. I guess not. We live and learn.
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Speaking of living and learning. I have had a few guy problems as well. Gary asked me out, remember I told ya about him in my last entry? Well. he did it and asked me out. I am a very nice person and I didn't say no and said sure. But than I had his best friend tell him that I didn't want to date him. I felt soo bad and I still do because that is MY responsiblity I should have told him from the get-go that I didn't like him. But I guess I have a way of avoiding that kind of confrontation. That was the night that Aaron(my crush), Gary, Mike and Jerry all spent the night over Brian and Christine's as well as I did. You see I like Aaron, a lot. He is different from the other crushes I have had in the past and its a little more involved for me. Well, I flirted with him that night and he flirted back. Our flirting consists of fighting each other and I love that. It was great. We all had a good time. Well, I can never tell how much Aaron really feels about me...he is a confusing type of guy and I can never understand him. I was going to bed and Aaron and everyone else was gonna stay up. I figured let the guys have guy time. Well....Aaron came into the backroom where I was sleeping and put his arm around me. He asked me why I wasn't gonna stay up and I said to him that I was tired and I didn't want to stay up. He told me that he wanted me to stay up, it was no fun now...or something along those lines. He was gently bouncing on the couch in the backroom to get me to wake up. I smiled and I said no I am going to sleep. Well that confused me beyond belief! Does he like me or am I just reading between the lines?
The next day I got up and I showered and ate my food while the guys slept and had their hang overs come about. Not too long after that everyone had woken up and eaten breakfast and were walking around the house looking a little less dazed than when they first woke up. Jerry is the mad scientist of the group and he loves to do different experiments with stuff. Well him and my brother, Brian, were trying to make something out of a steam cleaner(don't ask!) and Aaron was sitting on the ground watching them. I walked over and stood near Aaron....well he grabbed my hand and he pulled me down. I sat down on the ground next to him, we were close. I pushed him, he pushed me and we flirted like that together. It was so cutee! I still don't know if he likes me or not though. <3
Than over a week day I think two weeks ago? Or one week ago? I came over to Brian and Christine's house so that Brian could put my battery into my car. Well Aaron happened to be there, 'happened', lol. Anyway the two of them put my battery into my car and it was nice. Then we all went inside and Christine went to take a bath and Brian was making some food in the kitchen. I went and I smacked Aaron for a very rude comment and he came after me from behind. He picked me up and threw me, gently, onto the ground. He held me down and I squrimed until he was almost sitting on top of me with my hands binded in his. He looked down at me and smiled. He seemed to me to be leaning in closer and closer as I kept staring at him. Well I got nervous because I didn't know what he was trying to do and I squrimed enough so I broke his grip on me. It was nice but I was so nervous. Lol.
Okay, over last weekend I spent the night with Brian and Christine again and Derek had been there too, you know when he was being nice at least. Sunday was the Eagles vs Dallas football game. Well my family are big Eagles fans and Aaron is a big Dallas fan. Before Aaron came over Brian and Christine asked if I got butterflies when I was around him and I said yes. They began to tease me non stop and starting to sing songs about me but not using my name and using other references. Aaron knew what they were talking about as he kept looking at me and shaking his head with a smile. I was so embarassed I was beat red!!! Over the course of the day Brian, Christine and Derek all hung out in the back rooom and I hung out with Aaron in the living room. I talked with him about his life and my life and football and asked questions and stuff. It was sweet and nice and we fought each other and flirted like no one was watching. It was so cute. Well, the next night I sent him a request on myspace to be my friend and he accepted. That same night I sent him a comment on his myspace. Dallas had won so I figured to keep it friendly for me to bring it up. Haha. And then today I actually got the nerve up to send him my phone number. Just to hang out and/or talk and text message. He did read it I saw that he was online and he quickly signed off after he read my message. It was so nerve racking because I dunno how he feels about me. This is nuts because I've never done this...for anyone before just him and I dunno what he really feels and thinks. Its soooo confusing...I hate it. Help me!
But besides that....my life is pretty good. I have a test this Saturday in Psychology I have been studying hard for and I am excited to say that I am actually STUDYINGGG! Oh and I dyed my hair again and cut it short and it looks great! <33 Hmmmm....besides that I'm all good!
Thanks for reading this.
Much love,
Sarah
But Derek had been doing good after that and my older brother, Brian, and my sister in law, Christine, had invited Derek over and let him spend the night. Of course I was there too. It was going good, there were no compliants about him and he didn't do anything wrong. We all thought he was changing. Well the four of us invited our dad and his child, our little half-brother who is five, to come over and have dinner. It was such a nice time and I loved it. Everything was perfect and I played video games with Robert, my little half-brother, and we just had a nice laugh and we all were getting along. I had a great weekend with my family and I thought things were getting a sense of 'normal'. I was wrong. Very wrong. Before I went home with Derek he promised Brian and Christine that he wouldn't leave our house and would stay home. Well, we got home safe and sound. We all got settled down and we were watching a movie. Than next thing I know after an hour of the movie Derek goes up stairs to his room and comes back down saying he couldn't stay home any longer. Mom, Kim and I did nothing to provoke him to leave. Nothing at all. We were all having a good family get together like the weekend. But he just couldn't stay home he was feeling antsy and he left. My mom let it go. Than he left again the next night and my mom did nothing. He got home at curfew which is 11:00pm but he said he would be home at 9:00pm. Than today. My brother was going to an out-patient rehab for the past couple of weeks when he got out of his in-patient rehab and today was his first day back into school. Well he cussed all of his teachers out and went off campus to smoke a cigeratte. My mom went and got him and took him down to the police station. Well the police refused to arrest him and sent my mom to a mental health place. Derek and her were there for three hours establishing help sites for Derek. Towards the end he cussed out the person and mom and they came home. Derek than went out and my mom called the police. A cop came to our house and got a grasp on the situation and layed it all down. Then the cop left and picked Derek up and brought him home.
Derek wouldn't calm down and was paceing and not feeling good. Derek said the only way he could calm down was getting a cigeratte. I said thats too bad for you you have to suffer. Well my mom thought different. She said she would go out and buy him a pack and monitor the ones she gave him. Whatever. I was pissed. When I do or have done something wrong I got punished for it. Now that I am eighteen she can not really punish me for I am an adult in the eyes of the legal system. But that is just entirely unfair for me. Derek gets away with murder and no one stops him. Kim tries to explain to mom about everything. She hated the idea of buying him cigerattes but went along with it anyway. I hate this. Its freakin' stupid. I dunno about anything anymore. It is just not fair anymore. And its not going good at all. My family life is falling apart and I dunno how to stop it. I need to distance myself in such a way that I am not entirely involved. I am an adult and need to start seeing myself as one. I still feel like a kid and I still am but its harder for me to let go of everything. I sometimes wish everything would just be alright and there would be no drama at all. Nothing. I guess not. We live and learn.
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Speaking of living and learning. I have had a few guy problems as well. Gary asked me out, remember I told ya about him in my last entry? Well. he did it and asked me out. I am a very nice person and I didn't say no and said sure. But than I had his best friend tell him that I didn't want to date him. I felt soo bad and I still do because that is MY responsiblity I should have told him from the get-go that I didn't like him. But I guess I have a way of avoiding that kind of confrontation. That was the night that Aaron(my crush), Gary, Mike and Jerry all spent the night over Brian and Christine's as well as I did. You see I like Aaron, a lot. He is different from the other crushes I have had in the past and its a little more involved for me. Well, I flirted with him that night and he flirted back. Our flirting consists of fighting each other and I love that. It was great. We all had a good time. Well, I can never tell how much Aaron really feels about me...he is a confusing type of guy and I can never understand him. I was going to bed and Aaron and everyone else was gonna stay up. I figured let the guys have guy time. Well....Aaron came into the backroom where I was sleeping and put his arm around me. He asked me why I wasn't gonna stay up and I said to him that I was tired and I didn't want to stay up. He told me that he wanted me to stay up, it was no fun now...or something along those lines. He was gently bouncing on the couch in the backroom to get me to wake up. I smiled and I said no I am going to sleep. Well that confused me beyond belief! Does he like me or am I just reading between the lines?
The next day I got up and I showered and ate my food while the guys slept and had their hang overs come about. Not too long after that everyone had woken up and eaten breakfast and were walking around the house looking a little less dazed than when they first woke up. Jerry is the mad scientist of the group and he loves to do different experiments with stuff. Well him and my brother, Brian, were trying to make something out of a steam cleaner(don't ask!) and Aaron was sitting on the ground watching them. I walked over and stood near Aaron....well he grabbed my hand and he pulled me down. I sat down on the ground next to him, we were close. I pushed him, he pushed me and we flirted like that together. It was so cutee! I still don't know if he likes me or not though. <3
Than over a week day I think two weeks ago? Or one week ago? I came over to Brian and Christine's house so that Brian could put my battery into my car. Well Aaron happened to be there, 'happened', lol. Anyway the two of them put my battery into my car and it was nice. Then we all went inside and Christine went to take a bath and Brian was making some food in the kitchen. I went and I smacked Aaron for a very rude comment and he came after me from behind. He picked me up and threw me, gently, onto the ground. He held me down and I squrimed until he was almost sitting on top of me with my hands binded in his. He looked down at me and smiled. He seemed to me to be leaning in closer and closer as I kept staring at him. Well I got nervous because I didn't know what he was trying to do and I squrimed enough so I broke his grip on me. It was nice but I was so nervous. Lol.
Okay, over last weekend I spent the night with Brian and Christine again and Derek had been there too, you know when he was being nice at least. Sunday was the Eagles vs Dallas football game. Well my family are big Eagles fans and Aaron is a big Dallas fan. Before Aaron came over Brian and Christine asked if I got butterflies when I was around him and I said yes. They began to tease me non stop and starting to sing songs about me but not using my name and using other references. Aaron knew what they were talking about as he kept looking at me and shaking his head with a smile. I was so embarassed I was beat red!!! Over the course of the day Brian, Christine and Derek all hung out in the back rooom and I hung out with Aaron in the living room. I talked with him about his life and my life and football and asked questions and stuff. It was sweet and nice and we fought each other and flirted like no one was watching. It was so cute. Well, the next night I sent him a request on myspace to be my friend and he accepted. That same night I sent him a comment on his myspace. Dallas had won so I figured to keep it friendly for me to bring it up. Haha. And then today I actually got the nerve up to send him my phone number. Just to hang out and/or talk and text message. He did read it I saw that he was online and he quickly signed off after he read my message. It was so nerve racking because I dunno how he feels about me. This is nuts because I've never done this...for anyone before just him and I dunno what he really feels and thinks. Its soooo confusing...I hate it. Help me!
But besides that....my life is pretty good. I have a test this Saturday in Psychology I have been studying hard for and I am excited to say that I am actually STUDYINGGG! Oh and I dyed my hair again and cut it short and it looks great! <33 Hmmmm....besides that I'm all good!
Thanks for reading this.
Much love,
Sarah
