I'm skipping any type of intro and any other family issues and jumping into the one thing that has been on my mind....so much. Last Wednesday(not the one after Christmas but before that) I hung out with Aaron. We were cool and things were just fine. We went to Gary's and then drove around in his car for a while. Then I saw him on Thursday and then on Friday him and I hung out again. Well I then saw him on Saturday and then I saw him again on Sunday. Then of course he came over for Christmas Eve on Monday. Well on Monday he came over and I gave him the gifts I bought for him. I bought him Hershey Kisses and wrote a note saying: "Here are a few kisses from me to you." And put a heart with my name. Then I gave him a coffee mug with Axe body wash and spray. Then a little Hot Wheels Hot Rod car along with Donald Duck because he does a good Donald Duck impression. Well he bought me body wash and lotion and I was happy. I hugged him and it was just fine. Then the night was winding down and Christine forced Brian to take a bath with her so Aaron and I could have some alone time. Well we didn't do anything and then Brian and Christine came out and hid in the bedroom for a while. Well Aaron was so into the television so I turned around to the table next to me(we were both sitting on the love seat in the living room) and I grabbed a Hershey Kiss. I asked him if he was too interested in his show he wouldn't want a kiss but he took it and ate it. Then I laid on him, his legs were around me and I had my head on his chest. Well earlier I had sent him a text message and I asked him if he wanted to know what would really make my Christmas amazing. He had replied with a what. I told him: "You <3" and he just did his typical "Lol". But as I laid my head on his chest I reached up and gently stroked his cheek and asked him if he remembered that text. He just looked at me and I said what he thought about it. He just shrugged and seemed to get nervous, at least to me. He wouldn't look him in the eye and I told him to look at me in a soft voice,he did. He didn't say a word, he just looked at me and shrugged. Then I munstered up some confidence and said then can I have a kiss at least? He looked shocked at me and he brushed my face away. I looked at him with a smile and said It would be my first kiss and I want it to be with you. I said please in my sweetest and softest voice ever. He resolved and I kissed him. Then I held his chest close to me and he held me. I thought I was gonna float away. I asked him if I could keep him and he just looked at me and patted my head and said he wanted to get to know me better. I didn't care, I got my first kiss...just the way I wanted it to be.
Shortly after that Brian and Christine came out and were chilling with us and talking with us. I can't believe that I actually kissed him I had to replay it over and over again to assure myself that it really wasn't a dream. After about an hour and a half Brian and Christine said they were going to bed. Christine said that Aaron could stay as long as he wanted and she looked at me with a wink. Then the two of them went to bed and closed the door. Things were fine between Aaron and I and we didn't kiss after that. I was falling asleep in his arms and he said that if I fell asleep he would have to leave. I held him closer and said I didn't want him to leave. He twisted around to me(because I was like laying under him) and he looked at me with his blue eyes and smiled. I smiled back at him and we kissed. Him and I just kissed and kissed and kissed. He actually tested it out and put his tounge in my mouth. I was a little weired out about that but I allowed it. When we tried it again I was a bit more ready. And it was so much better than the first time. He kissed me neck and sucked on my ear lope and he gently felt my stomach which gave me mad butterflies. I was on Cloud 9. Then suddenly I was sitting on the side of the love seat and looking down at him. I asked him if I could be his and he just said he wasn't ready for a relationship. But he kissed me at that very moment. I told him that I picked him out of all of Brian's friends and I had to go chasing after him...because he told me earlier he didn't go chasing girls they came after him. I told him how I felt and he just looked at me and said as before, he wasn't ready for a relationship. Eventually he had to leave, it was like 3:00am and I hugged him and he left.
The next day, Christmas, I couldn't sleep and I couldn't keep a stupid a** goofy grin off my face. I was so excited. The night before happened just the way I pictured it and I wanted it so much more. I felt the absence of his lips and his touch and I felt lonely. I wanted him more than I ever knew I could want someone. I wanted his touch, his arms around me...I wanted his eyes to be staring into mine...I wanted him to kiss me as gently as he did the night before. I just wanted him to hold me and keep me safe. I felt safe when he had his arms around me. He held me tight that night and he was a bit aggressive. I knew that from the way his fingers dug into my shoulder(he was hold me with one hand on my shoulder and the other on my stomach). I would gently tease me with my tounge and he would dig his fingers more into my shoulder. I loved it. I knew he was a bit aggressive. He was all I thought about when I went to visit Derek and when I was alone or driving my car or even when I saw my mom. Christmas was centered around him, Aaron. I couldn't get my thoughts off of his touch and his kiss. Well Brian's friend Mark had stayed with us on Christmas and later that night Joey, Brian's other friend, Joey's baby Braydon(who is 2) and the baby's mama came over. My mom and Kim and Tyler(Kim's grandson) all showed up as well. Well soon my mom, Kim and Tyler left. They had left Tyler there for a little while they went to see Derek. And then they came back and took him to my house. I was spending the night again at Brian and Christine's house. Soon I was asked if I would drive Mark home in Delaware and I said I would. Aaron came with me. So it was me, Aaron and Mark. I drove them to Mark's house and then drove back home. No words were exchanged between any of us, really. We were kinda quiet. Then we got back and soon after Joey, Braydon and the baby's mama all left. I hugged them good-bye. OH! And Christine's nephew, Kenny, was there too. He is fifteen. Well the night was winding down soon. I went and wiped my makeup off and combed my curly hair out and put on a different more comfortable shirt than I had been wearing.
Aaron was sitting on the loveseat and I was sitting on the couch eventually I went over and sat with him. It wasn't long before Brian and Christine announced they were going to bed and I was all wrapped up in Aaron's arms that I twisted around and I kissed him again. He got nervous because Kenny was still awake and I smiled at him. He then just kissed me back and we were kissing for a little bit until Kenny came out and we stopped. I giggled a little bit and laid my head on his chest and Kenny came over saying he was going to bed and he hugged me and shook Aaron's hand, you know the ganster thing. And he went to bed. After that Aaron and I started kissing again. I found his weak spot and started to kiss and bite his neck. He loved it. I know that he did. He was moaning and gribbing my arms and digging his nails into me. He told me wanted me to stop because it was fair. He was making him hard and he didn't like that too much because he knew he wouldn't go that far with me. But he did end up try to....touch me...down there...and he wasn't getting it right and I moved his hands away. Without me knowing he had somehow, one handedly, put the zipper down on my pants and reached his hand into my pants. I didn't know what he was doing until I felt my...hair...being ruffled. I got nervous and moved his hands. Well, I then kissed his lips and bit his upper lip to the point it bled and I felt bad. He jumped up and shook his head, he went to the bathroom and told me that I needed to stop doing that. I rolled my eyes at him and laid on the loveseat by myself. He was being a p***y and I made that clear to him. He went over to the couch and I stayed on the loveseat. He threw a lighter at me and I kept it, usually I'd throw it back to him but I didn't. If he wanted me he would come to me and not me to home. Eventually I started to fall asleep and he said that if I fell asleep he would have to leave, like he did the night before. So I told him if he wanted me he would have to come over to me. And he did, he sat on me and then he dragged me over to the couch. I laid on the ground by the couch and he then eventually picked me up and laid me on top of him. We started to kiss and make out a little more. Well I started to kiss his neck again and he shook his head and kissed me back. I found out real fast, from the night before and that night, how to French kiss. It was pretty nice, actually. Well eventually Aaron got a little ballsy and he reached under my shirt and touched my breasts. I allowed it, I got a thrill out of it. It was nice. It wasn't long before he started to bite my neck and bite it hard. I found out that I really liked my neck being bit. It was a real turn on for me and I never knew that. He learned real quick that I loved my neck being bit and he did it harder and more often as he caressed my chest area. Before long I ended up on top of him again, we were rolling around on the couch, and he took my bra off. When he did I stopped and looked at him and he just laughed coyly and I shook my head as he kissed me. Well....one thing lead to another with my bra off and he went and started to bit and kiss my...breasts. I let him and it felt good. But I got a little scared because Kenny was in the next room, sleeping or not. And so was my brother and sister in law. So I made him stop that.
But that wasn't the last of it all. We had rolled around again and I was on top of him this time. He had reached both of his hands down the back of my pants and started to gently rub my butt. I let him, no harm in that one, I thought at the time. Well he ended up going lower on me than I had intended for him. He tried to finger me and I had wanted it to an extent but knew I didn't want him to do that. He had got pretty far with me already so I kept whispering No to him and kept whispering Just let me make you c**, it will be quick. And I kept on whispering No to him over and over again and moving his hands away. Eventually he asked me if I really didn't want his hands down and I nodded. He took his hands away and he asked Why. I said to him that I wasn't ready for that yet, not yet. He then kissed my lips and I whispered to him and asked if I was a quick learned. He said that I was a quick learner, a very quick learner. And he kissed me hard and bit my upper lip hard. And he saw how I flinched by pressed into him harder. He stopped and looked at me and said We have a kinky one on our hands. I looked at him and smiled. He asked if I liked it hard and I said Maybe you never know. And then he reached both his hands under my shirt and scratched my back hard and I do not know why but I enjoyed it and he got more of a response out of me when he was being rough with me. That kinda freaks me out now. Anyway, as we were kissing he grabbed my one hand and gently guided me down to his part area. I took one touch at that and freaked out and placed my hand on his chest and kept it there. He laughed at me for my nervousness.
That whole time we made out and he touched, kissed and caressed me. He kept trying to put his hand down my pants but I wouldn't allow it after the first two attempts he made. He was done down there. Well then, I kinda got dry humped. He was hard and I mean it. I've never knew...until then. He was. He hard through his light pajama like pants and he kept trying to hump me. I wouldn't allow it because it was just too weird for me...and I placed my hand down there because I didn't want him there. All in all he got something more out of me than I had ever knew any man would possibly do to me.
I had mad hickies on my neck the next day! He put bruises on my neck and made it look like someone had strangled me and not kissed me. It was awful. I still have the after effects of the bruises, they are still visible. Oh well. After he left their house he went to his friend Clinton's house and hung out there. Aaron had taken a picture of his hickie and was showing people the hickie. On Thursday and Friday he has school, he goes to college to be mechanic. He ******** took a picture of his hickie...but you know what? He doesn't have any right now. It is all healed up. That is what Christine was just telling me. All gone. Yet I still have marks on my neck from it. My older brother told me he was gonna talk to him about it all, about how I just wanna be friends. Thats what I wanted. Well...I promised myself I wouldn't contact Aaron. But I did anyway. I texted him early today because I knew he had college early. And I told him that I needed to talk to him and I told him straight up how I felt. I told him how I was NOT gonna be a friend with benefits, ******** THAT! And how if he really liked me he would ********' show it and not lead me on. And a bunch of stuff about how I felt. And he then said we do need to talk and I told him to call me when he could. That was at like 10am and no anything out of him. So I texted him around 5pm and asked him if we could talk. And he said not right now. he was over my brother's house. Brian talked to him about how I felt and what Aaron felt. We are just friends now. But the b*****d still hasn't called me. I want to hear it from the jackass' mouth. I wish he would call me and tell me we could still just be FRIENDS! But nothing. Oh the ******** well. I am having a hard time with this. I like him still, unfortunately. And now I know he just doesn't like me like that...and probably never will. It hurts to know that I am being tossed aside like that...and used so he could get a mega thrill out of it and tell the world about what he did to me. Our friendship will never be the same now. I wish it could be...but its not gonna be. And I doubt I'll hear from him in a long time. I will have to be the one talk to him first. If he really wants me he will text/call me first. I am done. We'll see how long it takes him.
Am I whore for allowing this? Why do I still want him??
I dunno what to do...and if you do truly read my journals...what should I do? I need advice.
Love from,
Sarah
Shortly after that Brian and Christine came out and were chilling with us and talking with us. I can't believe that I actually kissed him I had to replay it over and over again to assure myself that it really wasn't a dream. After about an hour and a half Brian and Christine said they were going to bed. Christine said that Aaron could stay as long as he wanted and she looked at me with a wink. Then the two of them went to bed and closed the door. Things were fine between Aaron and I and we didn't kiss after that. I was falling asleep in his arms and he said that if I fell asleep he would have to leave. I held him closer and said I didn't want him to leave. He twisted around to me(because I was like laying under him) and he looked at me with his blue eyes and smiled. I smiled back at him and we kissed. Him and I just kissed and kissed and kissed. He actually tested it out and put his tounge in my mouth. I was a little weired out about that but I allowed it. When we tried it again I was a bit more ready. And it was so much better than the first time. He kissed me neck and sucked on my ear lope and he gently felt my stomach which gave me mad butterflies. I was on Cloud 9. Then suddenly I was sitting on the side of the love seat and looking down at him. I asked him if I could be his and he just said he wasn't ready for a relationship. But he kissed me at that very moment. I told him that I picked him out of all of Brian's friends and I had to go chasing after him...because he told me earlier he didn't go chasing girls they came after him. I told him how I felt and he just looked at me and said as before, he wasn't ready for a relationship. Eventually he had to leave, it was like 3:00am and I hugged him and he left.
The next day, Christmas, I couldn't sleep and I couldn't keep a stupid a** goofy grin off my face. I was so excited. The night before happened just the way I pictured it and I wanted it so much more. I felt the absence of his lips and his touch and I felt lonely. I wanted him more than I ever knew I could want someone. I wanted his touch, his arms around me...I wanted his eyes to be staring into mine...I wanted him to kiss me as gently as he did the night before. I just wanted him to hold me and keep me safe. I felt safe when he had his arms around me. He held me tight that night and he was a bit aggressive. I knew that from the way his fingers dug into my shoulder(he was hold me with one hand on my shoulder and the other on my stomach). I would gently tease me with my tounge and he would dig his fingers more into my shoulder. I loved it. I knew he was a bit aggressive. He was all I thought about when I went to visit Derek and when I was alone or driving my car or even when I saw my mom. Christmas was centered around him, Aaron. I couldn't get my thoughts off of his touch and his kiss. Well Brian's friend Mark had stayed with us on Christmas and later that night Joey, Brian's other friend, Joey's baby Braydon(who is 2) and the baby's mama came over. My mom and Kim and Tyler(Kim's grandson) all showed up as well. Well soon my mom, Kim and Tyler left. They had left Tyler there for a little while they went to see Derek. And then they came back and took him to my house. I was spending the night again at Brian and Christine's house. Soon I was asked if I would drive Mark home in Delaware and I said I would. Aaron came with me. So it was me, Aaron and Mark. I drove them to Mark's house and then drove back home. No words were exchanged between any of us, really. We were kinda quiet. Then we got back and soon after Joey, Braydon and the baby's mama all left. I hugged them good-bye. OH! And Christine's nephew, Kenny, was there too. He is fifteen. Well the night was winding down soon. I went and wiped my makeup off and combed my curly hair out and put on a different more comfortable shirt than I had been wearing.
Aaron was sitting on the loveseat and I was sitting on the couch eventually I went over and sat with him. It wasn't long before Brian and Christine announced they were going to bed and I was all wrapped up in Aaron's arms that I twisted around and I kissed him again. He got nervous because Kenny was still awake and I smiled at him. He then just kissed me back and we were kissing for a little bit until Kenny came out and we stopped. I giggled a little bit and laid my head on his chest and Kenny came over saying he was going to bed and he hugged me and shook Aaron's hand, you know the ganster thing. And he went to bed. After that Aaron and I started kissing again. I found his weak spot and started to kiss and bite his neck. He loved it. I know that he did. He was moaning and gribbing my arms and digging his nails into me. He told me wanted me to stop because it was fair. He was making him hard and he didn't like that too much because he knew he wouldn't go that far with me. But he did end up try to....touch me...down there...and he wasn't getting it right and I moved his hands away. Without me knowing he had somehow, one handedly, put the zipper down on my pants and reached his hand into my pants. I didn't know what he was doing until I felt my...hair...being ruffled. I got nervous and moved his hands. Well, I then kissed his lips and bit his upper lip to the point it bled and I felt bad. He jumped up and shook his head, he went to the bathroom and told me that I needed to stop doing that. I rolled my eyes at him and laid on the loveseat by myself. He was being a p***y and I made that clear to him. He went over to the couch and I stayed on the loveseat. He threw a lighter at me and I kept it, usually I'd throw it back to him but I didn't. If he wanted me he would come to me and not me to home. Eventually I started to fall asleep and he said that if I fell asleep he would have to leave, like he did the night before. So I told him if he wanted me he would have to come over to me. And he did, he sat on me and then he dragged me over to the couch. I laid on the ground by the couch and he then eventually picked me up and laid me on top of him. We started to kiss and make out a little more. Well I started to kiss his neck again and he shook his head and kissed me back. I found out real fast, from the night before and that night, how to French kiss. It was pretty nice, actually. Well eventually Aaron got a little ballsy and he reached under my shirt and touched my breasts. I allowed it, I got a thrill out of it. It was nice. It wasn't long before he started to bite my neck and bite it hard. I found out that I really liked my neck being bit. It was a real turn on for me and I never knew that. He learned real quick that I loved my neck being bit and he did it harder and more often as he caressed my chest area. Before long I ended up on top of him again, we were rolling around on the couch, and he took my bra off. When he did I stopped and looked at him and he just laughed coyly and I shook my head as he kissed me. Well....one thing lead to another with my bra off and he went and started to bit and kiss my...breasts. I let him and it felt good. But I got a little scared because Kenny was in the next room, sleeping or not. And so was my brother and sister in law. So I made him stop that.
But that wasn't the last of it all. We had rolled around again and I was on top of him this time. He had reached both of his hands down the back of my pants and started to gently rub my butt. I let him, no harm in that one, I thought at the time. Well he ended up going lower on me than I had intended for him. He tried to finger me and I had wanted it to an extent but knew I didn't want him to do that. He had got pretty far with me already so I kept whispering No to him and kept whispering Just let me make you c**, it will be quick. And I kept on whispering No to him over and over again and moving his hands away. Eventually he asked me if I really didn't want his hands down and I nodded. He took his hands away and he asked Why. I said to him that I wasn't ready for that yet, not yet. He then kissed my lips and I whispered to him and asked if I was a quick learned. He said that I was a quick learner, a very quick learner. And he kissed me hard and bit my upper lip hard. And he saw how I flinched by pressed into him harder. He stopped and looked at me and said We have a kinky one on our hands. I looked at him and smiled. He asked if I liked it hard and I said Maybe you never know. And then he reached both his hands under my shirt and scratched my back hard and I do not know why but I enjoyed it and he got more of a response out of me when he was being rough with me. That kinda freaks me out now. Anyway, as we were kissing he grabbed my one hand and gently guided me down to his part area. I took one touch at that and freaked out and placed my hand on his chest and kept it there. He laughed at me for my nervousness.
That whole time we made out and he touched, kissed and caressed me. He kept trying to put his hand down my pants but I wouldn't allow it after the first two attempts he made. He was done down there. Well then, I kinda got dry humped. He was hard and I mean it. I've never knew...until then. He was. He hard through his light pajama like pants and he kept trying to hump me. I wouldn't allow it because it was just too weird for me...and I placed my hand down there because I didn't want him there. All in all he got something more out of me than I had ever knew any man would possibly do to me.
I had mad hickies on my neck the next day! He put bruises on my neck and made it look like someone had strangled me and not kissed me. It was awful. I still have the after effects of the bruises, they are still visible. Oh well. After he left their house he went to his friend Clinton's house and hung out there. Aaron had taken a picture of his hickie and was showing people the hickie. On Thursday and Friday he has school, he goes to college to be mechanic. He ******** took a picture of his hickie...but you know what? He doesn't have any right now. It is all healed up. That is what Christine was just telling me. All gone. Yet I still have marks on my neck from it. My older brother told me he was gonna talk to him about it all, about how I just wanna be friends. Thats what I wanted. Well...I promised myself I wouldn't contact Aaron. But I did anyway. I texted him early today because I knew he had college early. And I told him that I needed to talk to him and I told him straight up how I felt. I told him how I was NOT gonna be a friend with benefits, ******** THAT! And how if he really liked me he would ********' show it and not lead me on. And a bunch of stuff about how I felt. And he then said we do need to talk and I told him to call me when he could. That was at like 10am and no anything out of him. So I texted him around 5pm and asked him if we could talk. And he said not right now. he was over my brother's house. Brian talked to him about how I felt and what Aaron felt. We are just friends now. But the b*****d still hasn't called me. I want to hear it from the jackass' mouth. I wish he would call me and tell me we could still just be FRIENDS! But nothing. Oh the ******** well. I am having a hard time with this. I like him still, unfortunately. And now I know he just doesn't like me like that...and probably never will. It hurts to know that I am being tossed aside like that...and used so he could get a mega thrill out of it and tell the world about what he did to me. Our friendship will never be the same now. I wish it could be...but its not gonna be. And I doubt I'll hear from him in a long time. I will have to be the one talk to him first. If he really wants me he will text/call me first. I am done. We'll see how long it takes him.
Am I whore for allowing this? Why do I still want him??
I dunno what to do...and if you do truly read my journals...what should I do? I need advice.
Love from,
Sarah
