I've just noticed in the last week how many times I lie when people ask 'how are you?'. I always say that I can't lie and that I'm a horrid lier, but that itself is a lie. Last week was not a good week for me. We thought my grandma had a stroke because she started speaking nonsense. So my mom took the hour and a half drive to visit her in the hospital. While she was there, they found out that she didn't have a stroke but that her brain cavity was filling with spinal fluid. My mom stayed there for three days, leaving my dad, who strained his back the Saturday before trying to cut wood for a campfire I was having, at home. And to top it all off, my friend got the results for an MRI she had. She didn't tell me what they were, but I'm assuming they were bad since her mother told my dad that everything she has gone through before now seems petty compared to this. I tried not to show how stressed out I was because of all of this. But I remember people asking me 'how are you?' and I just said 'fine'. In my head I was thinking 'that's a lie. I'm not fine.' But I wasn't going to tell them. I've felt increasingly guilty as of late pushing all of the weight of my own problems on my friends. So I've been trying my best to get over my own problems myself. I've found recently that the best way for me to do this is to make myself cry. I'll wait until I get in the shower because that's the only place were no one will hear me, and I'll just cry. I generally feel much better afterwords. But I didn't do that this time. Almost on Friday. Friday was my last football game. We marched the halftime show and my mom just barely made it. My parents escorted me to the sideline after we marched and then we left. It wasn't a particularly good football game: our team lost, as usual, and it was freezing cold and raining. After we left, I had many of my friend come up to me and mention something about me leaving them since I'm older than most of my friends. It didn't quite hit me until I was in the car that this was true. I've known for a while that graduation this year will not be very pleasant for me, most likely. I'll probably be crying like there's no tomorrow. I'll be happy to leave high school, but I'm going to miss all my friends. And band. I'm going to miss band a lot. I've grown very attached to everyone in band and especially a certain someone. I hate having crushes because of what happened last year(which I will not get into details, but we'll just say that my crush caused me to have many tearful days) so I'm calling this one more of a fancy. I really like this person, but I don't think anything ever will happen between us. I'm too shy to ever say anything and I don't think he's really interested. So I'm trying my best not to hold my breath. But I'm really going to miss him when I graduate. But I'm feeling a bit better this week. I found that, apart to making myself cry, another way to keep me from being too upset is to get my mind off of whatever is upsetting me. I was busy most of the day on Saturday and ended up getting a new CD. After that day, I've felt much better. Well, apart from yesterday, but that doesn't count. That was just stress over a test coming up in Calculus that I don't understand. So when you ask 'how are you?' chances are the answer you get is a lie. Not just from me, but probably from everyone. Everyone has their own secret troubles that they aren't going to spill out into the open upon a simple 'how are you?'. Mine just come out in journals or tears.
icegirl6274 · Wed Oct 29, 2008 @ 10:11pm · 0 Comments |