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Hello again!
I'm still trying to figure out where to start, even as I type this. I have a lot of thoughts to sort through.
I suppose I'll start here. I have to be one of the most sensitive ******** on the face of this planet. Why is it that all someone has to do is be angry (they don't even have to be angry at me!), and I get frightened. Did my upbringing really scar me that deeply? I didn't even go through anything nearly as bad as a lot of people do. I was never sexually or physically abused or anything else just as bad as one can think of. Anyhow, that actually isn't the thought I wanted to focus on. That thought is this: why is it that sometimes when people are in pain, they don't want to feel better? My boyfriend likes to make me smile and laugh when I'm depressed, and I actually get a little annoyed when it starts cheering me up. Is my pain really such good company that I wanna keep it around? Then, it occured to me: maybe I don't want to get rid of it because it's never let me down. It's always showed up exactly when it was supposed to, it's never dissapointed me, and it's never let me down. It never changes and I can always count on it. People can't always say the same about human beings. It's baffling, however, the way a person can recover from dissapoinment, fear, anger, and other such emotions to move on with life like nothing happened. Sure enough, that's exactly what happened. I let my pain leave me alone for a while and went on with life, feeling like myself again. For someone who's bi-polar, such an emotinal recovery is amazing. I think people who don't have severe emotional problems and thus don't know what it's like to go emotionally ape-s**t once in a while tend to take this for granted.
On to the next thought. I've been reading The Left Behind series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins (anyone interested in religious fiction, I HIGHLY reccomend these books!) It's a story about what The Rapture and Tribulation discussed in Revelations in The Bible would be like. These characters are risking their lives, having adventures, making sacrifices, and whitnessing the most awe-inspiring events of all time first-hand. They're serving and glorifying God and encouraging those souls who need it to allow themselves to be saved through the blood of Jesus Christ. All that for such an extraordinary cause. I know being lefdt behind to suffer The Tribulation is supposed to be a bad thing, but all I can think is, "I should be so lucky!" To do what they're doing, to see what they're seeing, I almost want to be left behind.
Okay, I think that covers it for today. If you've made it this far, THANK YOU SO MUCH! I don't talk about all this s**t very often because no one seems to care. I don't really have anyone to talk to that would be interested in this and talk with me about it. It's nice to be able to put it all somewhere. Till next time!
heart heart heart
NsomniAna · Thu Oct 06, 2005 @ 11:25pm · 0 Comments |
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