its a long story... please readi it only if you're actually interested in how messed up everything is getting in my life.
there is a boy i like.... there is also a boy i love but that is a different story for a different time.. or at least for a different bit of this blog. their both geezers, and i dont mean that they're old. i mean that the type which one might call "mine" consists of beat-boy/coke-dealers who wake up every morning affraid of being arrested or shot.
this doesn't really fit in with the sheltered life i have led in the sunny or snowy (pick one) rocky mountains. but again.. a different story for a different time.
so... this boy. we're gonna call him C because even though i can't think of any right now im sure that there are plenty of boys names begining with that extremely inconspicuous letter. and i appologize right now for all the code names. my name in real life is in fact not adalaide, but addy will do just fine for all of you because im prepared to be extremely open in this blog, and should anyone i know in person happen to read it on gaia i would like very much for them not to know that its me.
so... this boy i like... the geezer. don't get excited, as much as i care about him he is desperately in love with a good freind of mine.. we shall call her the muse. i call her the muse because C is an amazing rapper (though im not terribly fond of the term rapper... hip hop artist is what he really is but that just sounds so arrogant) anyways, he's an amazing rapper, and the love that he feels for the muse gave birth to one of the most beautiful and touching songs i have ever heard.
none of that was important, well except for the part where he loves the muse. C has trouble with anger managment... he gets violent sometimes. don't get me wrong, not with people. never with people. and remember that because it will be important later on in the story of my day.
but yes... sometimes C breaks things when he gets angry and yells very loud and says things he doesnt mean. i know this... we all know this. but something awful happened a few days ago, and even though i don't know you, you don't know me, you don't know them and im not using names. C asked me not to spread the news, and so i won't
but something bad happened. something really bad, and this morning, sometime before i woke up there was a misunderstanding. they were fighting in the parking lot of someones house and it was really bad, and there was a misunderstanding. some girls who were strangers to the situation thought they saw him hit her. he didn't he threw her purse on the ground... but the girls threatened to attack him and in the end the po got called in.
thats bad. did i mention that C is a geezer? once again, not the old kind, the swanky underground british gangster kind. C works in sales.. the illicit kind.
so heres where i come in... good old addy to the rescue. CRT certified and everything..... once again.. not important. i wake up this morning to a phone call from my good freind Yuni... remember yuni she will be important later. i pick up the phone and the first words from her lips are "C is wanted by the cops for hitting the muse and im ditching school, will you come get me?"
well actually. she used their names.. but im too secretive for that. (unimportant)
so.... question. the boy that you like who happens to be on bad terms with the law has a warrant out for his arrest... what would you do?
i think it may be a bit of an understatment to say that i like him.. i think it would be better to say that i love him.... just not nearly so much as i do the boy that i love.... and the first words i heard this morning was that he was going to be arrested.
so i go to my work place.... which just so happens to be a very fashionable coffee shop where everyone whos anyone hangs out. or at least, everyone whos anyone to me... here i am to meet yuni (thats not her name either by the way) so i meet her.
10 minutes later... C walks up. looking like he was wanted by the police. which he was..
i would like to take this oppertunity to say something about myself. i don't trust people... the reasons why will be explained in painstaking detail in this journal, i assure you. but for now let us take it at my word that trust is not something i take or give lightly. once you have my trust, it is my pledge. it is my fist and my wallet and my roof and my car, and my word. it is anything and everything that i have to give and its yours with my trust.
i would do just about anything to help C. and he needed me today.... ill elaborate on that a bit later.
so there he is at the coffee shop looking sketchy. thats when we find out he just railed a big old line of molly and is rolling nuts.... great idea buddy... friggin brilliant.
we were just giving him props for his goof judgment when we find out that the mother of the muse has given the athorities the names and phone numbers of all C's friends.... he had no where to go. the muse's mother doesn't know me, and she doesn't know the dead kid. (more on him later)
earlier when i said that i was good freinds with the muse... that was a stretch. the muse and i had art together once in highschool... we talked once in the hall. but i have heard everything i need to know about her from C. he loves her more than anything, and any girl who could be so important to someone i respect so much is worth the time it takes to get to know.... if that makes any sense.... well, anyways.
the muse's mother doesn't know me and she doesn't know the dead kid... C says he wishes he had a car so that he could get out of South... geographically there is South, North, and East... parts of my city that is. they function as separate units but are connected by a hub... DownTown we call it, and its as grand as it sounds... at least comared to everything else....
sorry unimpotant. i offer him a ride to North, they won't be looking for him in North. we talk in the car, he says he doesn't mind jail... but that he's been there enough times to know that he couldn't handle rolling behind bars... once again C... well done with the X that was friggin genius... dumb a**....
so he tells me the story. i belive him. there isn't a heart on this planet since romeo took his life that has loved a woman with the much passion... there is no question in my mind that he would never... could never hit the muse...
I tell him he needs to learn to control his anger. he says he didn't hit her. i say i know. and that it doesnt matter... that anger is still a huge problem for him.
he didn't hit her.
the police were unconvinced... the muse told them what happened.... the police were unconvinced.... they made her take off her clothes so that they could look for bruises... they found nothing but were yet unconvinced.....
the conversation was dragging, the weight of the stituation was getting a bit heavy for the both of us and he changed the subject. he says hes really feeling keyed... i don't know what that means but im sure its got something to do with exstacy. he starts telling me all the jokes he made up with the dead kid... they go kind of like this:
"whats the best part of being a coke dealer? charging them 25 cents for a sheet of tinfoil"
im a little embarassed to have found that funny, i guess it just goes to show how much time changes things.... . how much people change things.
anyways unimportant. we get to north... to the dead kid's house. hes not there yet . C asks me to wait with him... is it bad that that made me happy?
we try and put on a tape but my cars cassette player is about as healthy as a corpse. so no TLC... thats allright. like i said before... Hip-hop/coke dealer... this was the hip hop part. he asks me what he should do... i tell him to turn himself in... that he didn't do it. he tells me his brother and father were abusive... that it's on their records. that the police will assume. i tell him he didn't do it. that we all know he didn't do it, and that the muse knows he didn't do it. he tells me that he could be branded a woman beater and live 8 years in jail for it, and not mind a second of it so long as the muse knows its not true..
C loves the muse. i tell him he needs to turn himself in. he says he will when he's not rolling. then he says to me (and this is why she's the muse)
"you know *addy* what i would really like to do in court? just get up on the stand and spit the song i wrote for her."
he asks me if i wanna hear it. saying yes was my first mistake. (im not sure when i switched to present tense narration, but its flowing.. go with it)
he does it accapella cause we got not beats. and he does it slow so that every word will be distinct.
his poetry cuts right through me.... right into the core of my bleeding heart... however emo that is, if you've had love and lost it, you know what bleeding hearts feel like.... and im right back on the window sill at mr. jackson's house... listening to him tell me that what he wants is me..... thats still a different story, but its relavent now because im so touched that i can't say anything.
i decide that now would be a great time to smoke another cigarette... my 5th today i think it was... i never used to smoke.
i tell him that he's lucky and he says "lucky to have a freind like you, if you hadn't been sitting there when i walked up i don't know what i would have done. i thought the cops were gonna be there waiting for me."
goddammit C you idiot! how can you get yourself into so much trouble!
I tell him if he needs anything at all that he can come to me, a bed, a meal, a ride... whatever. he says thanks. gives me a hug....... im not a hugger. i hug C. i wonder if that makes me bad.. perhaps a little.
i bum him another smoke *i bummed him one before* and we smoke another cigarette... the dead kid shows up with his new girl... apparently she sucks... i wouldn't know, and it really doesn't matter. C is getting ready to go. i take 20 bucks and tuck it into the cellphane on my pack of cigarettes... its still mostly full. i had it to him as he gets out of the car.
"whats this?" he asks me...
"cigarettes and 20 bucks" i tell him.
he looks at me for a minute and then climbs back into the car and gives me a big hug.... im not a hug person. and he kisses me long and hard on the cheek.
he whispers thank you in my ear
then he goes inside
the dead kid didn't wave... i don't really care, neither did his girl...
thats unimportant. they get into the house, and i pull away crying.
its now 3:00 PM i shouldn't even be awake yet
there is something i haven't mentioned yet about the boy i like.. he was once very good freinds with the boy i love... in fact, im sure, had the boy i love not moved to the rainy west-coast state, they would still be very good freinds.... when C yells... he sounds just like Mr. Jackson... the way he spits rhymes reminds me of him too... they actually used to spit rhymes together.... they put out a demo that i listened to once... i cried then too... that was months ago. that was before i stopped crying about mr. jackson.
when C spat his testimony i couldn't deal with it. but i don't cry in front of anyone but my cat and my mother. so i sucked it up... when he kissed me i broke down. in fact im crying as i write this. i can't possibly ever convey how much his gratitude meant to me.... means to me. it makes life worth living. this love i feel for C is freindship. and i love him. i love him a lot. and today he gave me a reason to be. he appreciated me....
since mr. jackson left there's been no one. i have been close to no one.. my best freind doesn't know that i go to sleep at night dreaming of Mr. J every night and that i wake up with tears in my eyes every morning.... she doesn't even know me... she know what i do and what i like and how i talk... but she doesn't know who i am... or what i need. i am alone...
in fact im always alone... there was a month or two in there when i had someone... but thats a different story for a different time.
i just... need to tell someone how overwhelemed i was with love and concern and gratitude.... might have saved me today... and no one will ever know it... and i just can't stop crying.... i don't want to be alone anymore.....
maybe im just upset because its late and i haven't eaten... thats at least the reason that im becoming so incoherent...
i know that none of this matters to you... but i just wanted to tell someone... and you're a million people or more... and if you're reading this, you now know more about me than the girl asleep on the couch behind me... and she calls herself my best freind.....
i hope you have a goodnight, whoever you are thats reading this... even if its just me, later on..... thanks for caring
NobleFury Community Member 
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