The evening of March 23, 2009
Dear journal-
I’m so lost and am hoping that I can find comfort in your paper and the ink in my pen. Or, technically the internet, this online journal, and the keyboard. As an artist, I’m always thinking out of the box. Challenges are constantly thrown my way. But not things like this. No, never like this. Unlike college assignments and final projects, this matters. It matters more than the world. And that scares me.
Never in my entire life have I ever wanted to maul someone. Tear him limb from limb. Is this some kind of animalistic instinct deep within me? Some dark and terrible temptation growing within the pit of my stomach and the valves of my heart? It can’t possibly be anything human related. No, there’s nothing humane about it. My hands… Oh god… my hands are trembling. I can hardly steady myself enough to type. But I need to calm down and get this out. I need to relax. Need to stop shaking. It’s a curse. The curse. I know I’m cursed. That’s what this pure hatred is all about. That’s where this need to hurt that pathetic soul is deriving from. That and… my feelings. They’re extreme. Almost too hard to deal with. And yet, somehow I’m dealing. I’m not dealing very well, but I’m still… dealing.
Why Nao? Why the hell does something like this have to happen to a guy like that?! Here I am, falling apart at the seams, almost as if playing the victim. ********, I didn’t even experience what he did. I can never relate. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship, let alone a relationship at all. There’s nothing I can possibly do for him. There’s no way to comfort him. Oh Nao… Dear, sweet Nao. I’m failing you. I’m useless in your time of need.
s**t.. Crap.. Aw hell… I’m crying. Some man I am. If I was really worth something, I’d be able to hold it in. I would race to his place, bang on the door, and comfort him. While embracing him in my strong hold, I could rub his back. Whisper kind words. Sooth him with a backrub. But in order to do all of that, I would have to be able to hold back this annoying water. I’m so goddamn weak. Weak and cursed. After living with this thing for so many years, you’d think I’d be stronger and able to function. But no. I’m cursed.. cursed to forever be a… Damn it, I’m a burden.
How do you help someone who’s gone through this? How, journal? You’re all wise. You’ve been on the internet long enough. Couldn’t you do a Google search for me or something? Is this considered rape? It started out as consensual, but the guy never wanted to do those things. Rape is having a sexual act done to you against your will, right? Right? Answer me. Answer me, please…
I need to find this guy. I need to talk to him. To take care of him. To make him open his eyes and regret all he’s done to Naosuke. Maybe if I hang around the bar enough I’ll run into him. Columbia’s classes make that hard, but I don’t care if I skip. I’ll miss as many classes as I need to if it’ll help things. Change things. Please, let me change things. I can fix this. I can help. I want to believe I can save him. I’m not a savior and I’m not doing this for attention or anything in return. I don’t get high off of playing the hero. Naosuke is just different. A special kind of different. I can’t make sense of this. I honestly thing that I may love see him as a good friend. One of my only friends. No, I know that I do.
This man is going down. I don’t care if he’s a vampire or a poseur. Hell, if he’s a vampire, that’s all the more reason to take care of him. I need to at least talk to the guy and then from there… we’ll see where things take us.
Thank you journal. Thank you for listening. I’m sorry for filling your cyber pages with my drama and inner turmoil. I’m.. going to lay down. I feel so very sick right now. Nauseous. Over and out.
Community Member
...I guess this isn't the time for pleasantries, huh?
B-But I'm ok! Really!...I'm just...really sore. It's no big deal. I just needed to vent a little and I didn't know who to turn to. I'm just being my usual stubborn self.
Man, I feel like s**t for making you so upset. Please, don't even worry about it, ok? You have so much on your mind with school and all your art, and I don't want something like this to distract you. Someone like him doesn't even deserve your time. I just...I care about you value your friendship so much that I don't wanna see you hurting like this.
I don't think he's a real vampire though. I think he's just a poseur, but I could be wrong. The first time, his skin was so warm and soft...I'm not really sure if it's a psychological thing or not, but he was cold as hell last night. The fangs are real though. We talked about them when we first met. They're his real teeth filed to points. They hurt like a mother ********.
...Let's change the subject and forget about it. Not like you really wanna hear about it. It's over and done with. No point in dwelling in the past right?
I like spending time with you too, and you know that I think you're a great person. I'm not mad at you at all...I'm just mad at myself for upsetting you more than anything else, really. You know you're always welcome to call or stop by. I would actually really like it if you'd stop by sometime. If you want, I'm free tonight...but you probably have something planned...