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Well, life is dandy isn't it? Maybe this is what's been missing from my life, going on and on in this stupid a** journal XD It's become the only damn place that I can rant because I know that no one reads it XD I don't know when the last time I wrote in this journal was, so if I say stuff you already know, well, too bad. (Hehe, I talk like people read this....) Well, life is GREAT. And I say that with all the sarcasm and loathing in the world. I got kicked out of school, I've got, well, no close friends, none, no one I can talk to. I hurt, well, people. I've driven people away time and time again, and I actually feel bad. I would never admit it to those people, but I do feel bad. I used to really care about them, I still kinda do. Some more than others of course, but when you care about people like how I used to care about my "friends" you can't get rid of that, and you can't help but feel bad when you act stupid and they stop being such close "friends." Ah....next comes my delightful mother, she who guides me through the winding roads of life. I hate her. I act like I don't care about anything, I act like I'm untouchable, but I'm not....I hate being told that I'll never be anybody, that I'm just a failure, that I, as she puts it, ain't s**t. I. ********. Hate. Her. God....I hate life, so much. Being lonely sucks, it's depressing, but you can't even talk to anyone about it, cause no one's there. I feel bad, because there's someone I love more than anything else in the world, and she says she loves me too, and I just, I don't know how to tell her that she frustrates me. We're not dating, haven't been for a while. I really want to date her, don't know what the hell her reason is for not dating me. (Oh, not to mention that I've been wanting to do this for a while, but something always goes wrong, and it always has to do with her, whether she just has to go, or she's tired, or whatever, it's like she knows, and she doesn't want it to happen.) I've been meaning to ask her out, I know she'll say no, and then she'll apologize for it. She always did have a way of breaking my heart and then making me feel bad about feeling hurt, so that I'm not even hurt anymore, just confused. But like I was saying, I know she'll say no, the point is to ask her why not, but I can't ask why not without first checking if it's definetely a no. And then, there's other things that frustrate me, like how much she confuses me. And just how frustrating it can get with her, I mean, I'm not one for all the nice little things that people do, but I believe that saying "Bye" before you hang up the phone is a, you know, a must. That just happened again today. It's not even like she'll do it all the time, but it really pissed me off today. As anyone reading this can tell, I'm having a rough day, so I called her because it makes me feel better most of the time, so she can't talk on the phone, but she says she can text, so I text her, and wait, and wait, and wait. Then I call, she answers, says hey, basically, and then she doesn't say anything, I'm sitting there saying hello, and then *click* she hung up. Delightful. I called like, three times, no answer, not even no answer, it did that thing where you can tell they hit ignore on their phone or something, which pissed me off. I mean, if she had to do something fine, a "Bye" wouldn've been really nice. So that just made my day all the better. It's what got me to decide to write in this damn journal, the final damn straw. Well, if anyone even reads this, thanks for listening to me b***h. God, I hate writing in this damn journal, I feel pathetic, but it's the only damn place I can be honest. Well, I'm just gonna go already, I wrote a s**t load, and even though I could write six times this much, this did kinda help. So if anyone's out there, whether you think I'm a pathetic spineless b*****d, or you actually give a crap, thank you. Goodbye, and good luck with life, if you're anything like me, you're really gonna want some luck. Bye.
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