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I was just moseying around the site and catching up with a friend when I realised just how little I actually write in my journal anymore. Well I've had one hell of a lot of things on my mind lately so be prepared for a novel people. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Well home life is starting to hit an all time low. Wether that's just due to the holiday season, my being an emo ******** or wether things are genuinely s**t in Lancaster, I do not know. However I will explain all.

First off: Holiday season. Now I know that christmas is a time for joy and happiness and wonderment but for some people that joy is just too far away. Stores and shops have commercialised the hell out of christmas. Just like they did with Easter, Mother's day, Father's day and most other major holidays. Instead of christmas being about a time for joy and family togetherness. It's all about presents. It used to be if you got a wooden train, a book or a new stationery set, your christmas was wonderful. Even if you got just a card from someone that had travelled for hours just to see you. It was the travelling and the thought that counted.

Nowadays if you don't get the latest cellphone, or computer console, the whole year is wasted. Family members travel across the globe to see the kids they care about, only to watch those kids snatch their present, unwrap it and have a tantrum when they got a present that cost under triple figures.

Whilst I admit this isn't the attitude overall, this is certainly a majority. I see stories of parents who really go to great lengths to show their kids that they still love them and the kids take it all for granted and expect it next year and the year after. I read stories of mothers and fathers going into debt for months because of a holiday that has been turned into a spend-a-thon by the shops, who would have you believe that the more you spend on your kids, the happier they will be. Give me a BREAK!

Anyways, enough humbugging. I've been going over-emo a lot lately and for numerous reasons.

I've been dreaming a lot of a person that is too far away. I care for her and love her more than I could ever say. I want to dream these, but a much larger part of me doesn't. I want to dream because in my dreams I see her and to en extent am with her. But I don't want to deal with the heartbreak of waking up and realising I am alone again. It's also the type of dreams that bothers me. They're usually sexual and that isn't healthy in over dose. Once or twice maybe but lots of the time worries me. I've never seen someone as sex alone and I never will. I couldn't forgive myself for debasing me by seeing someone purely as a sex object. Don't get me wrong I care for her more than I could ever say and love her to weeny little pieces, but I'm not letting that change at all. Thus, I vow to change these dreams any way I can.

Next problem: Solitude. Whilst most of my life I've been alone and have preferred it that way, now it begins to weigh me down. I used to always think that being alone would prevent people from hurting me. Now I see that being alone also stops people from making me happy, wether they wish to or not. This is just a temporary thing, plans are in place to move over the sea and miles away (Canada) to re-organise my life, however the here and now is killing me. Again this should change soon, a long time friend has plans to move in and hopefully this will alter things for the better.

Now this next subject is going to seem like a complete and utter emo-rant to most of you and I agree it's a stupid way to feel. However it's the way most people feel so I'm going to cover it anyway: Virginity. I watched a movie last night called ' 40 Year Old Virgin ' and a lot of it jumped out at me. I'm a virgin myself and have zero sexual experience. This isn't a big deal I know but I'm insatiably curious (Moofin knows what I'm on about ^_~) plus it's always seen as a big thing here (England). As the saying goes: ' Sex is like air, it's not important unless you're not getting any. ' Oh how true that is.

I'm always in two minds when it comes down to sex. One half of me is saying that being a virgin at 17 is a good thing. It shows that I'm not just a horny little retard that will ******** anything with a p***y a la most of todays teenage male youth. It shows that I believe there is more to sex than sex itself, which is most true.

The other half of me however is insanely different. It believes I am useless, repulsive and that there is something violently wrong with me, based on the fact that I haven't got my end away. I hate thinking like that, I hate feeling like that and it's rare I see that, but it happens. I mean, if everyone else can do it, why can't I? Because I won't let me. Welcome to my world.

I never act upon the instincts of the latter. I know in my heart that sex is far too precious to be wasted in such a way, especially a first time. It's all about the deepest show of affection, the ultimate expression of love, not just bonking for a quick thrill.

However the Multi mind thing applies in much more than just this scenario. It applies to most aspects of my life. Let me explain:

My father was a spiritual man and fiercely loyal, a defender and protector in most aspects of his life. Indeed he served in the SAS for a long time. For those of you that don't know: SAS is an abbreviation of Special Air Service. It is the pinnacle of the british military and the SAS trooper is the best military unit on the face of the earth. Better than the commandos, better than the US Navy Seal. After recieving a bullet in his left knee however he was forced to leave the army. He was a woman beater, but stil retained most aspects of his personality. I have inherited his spirituality and thus have a spiritual nature.

My mother was an underdog at most times but always fought back. No matter what the odds she would continue to play against the house. Always the gatherer she did her best to see we had what we needed, consequently she spent a lot of time working, trying to earn food, clothes, rent and enough to keep us entertained. She had been mistrated by most men in her life to the point where she was forced to buckle down and fight back. She was a fierce feminist, extremely outspoken and strong of her opinions. I have inherited her respect for women and mental structure and thus have an opinionated nature.

From birth up until the age of 4 I lived at 150 Mere Road, Leicester. The centre of Highfields and about as wrong side of the tracks as you can get. Street style living, ghetto most would call it. My family were poor, but tough. I was however far too young for it to influence me to any great extent. I was not raised much. My mother was always busy trying to feed 5 children on her own and as such had little time for us all personally. At the age of four, four of my mother's children were taken away from her by social services. I cannot remember it myself but I have been told how she stood at her front door with a baseball bat, determined to protect her children from those who would take them away.

But take them away they did and little did I know I would spend the next eight years of my life the luxurious way. Nice food, nice house, nice education and a strict upbringing. I was raised to be polite, curteous, mannerful, mindful and intellectual. I was, for lack of a better word, Posh. Thus I have a Posh nature.

I cared little for people or love. I was engrossed in my work and obsessed with with school. My mind was incredible. Thus, I have a work-related nature.

After a massive disagreement I moved back in with my family. Same old 150 Mere Road. Same old street style living. My priorities radically changed. Whereas living back in care being an intellectual was all that mattered. Now it was the exact opposite. It was Dog-eat-dog. I had to be tough, mean, strong, brutal and was forced to adapt as such. Thus, I have a street orientated nature.

Pity really or me and my family would have got on famously. I wasn't any of those. I was weak, meek and gentle. Manners have no place on the street. As such I was always viwed as the runt of the litter. This was before the abuse started. It started small, being given all the chores to do with no rewards or even a thanks. Forgetting my birthday being left out of christmas stuff like that. Then it grew and became more physical, my dinner would be eaten before I got home, sometime it was forgotten altogether. My mother thratened to kill me a few times. Up to the point where my brother strangled me in the middle of a street. It made me dark. As I lay there, choking and trying desperately to breath, all my illusions had gone. My family didn't care, they never did. I was a nothing to them. If they loved me, how could they treat me like this? I became paranoid, pessemistic and loathing. I started to hate. I hated my family for doing what they did. I hated the world for not helping me. I hated people for not being there. I hated myself for being the way I am. Thus, I have a very self-loathing nature.

At 16 I ran away and never came back and here I am. I am alone and have been for a while. Being cooped in my room 24/7 except for the brief period I go out to be turned down by job opportunities. I have been accompanied only by myself and thus have gotten to know most of me quite well. I am aware of my emotions and feelings. I know what I feel and most of the time I know why I feel it. Thus, I have a very emotional nature.

See the little problem I'm having here? I'll apply the little virginity thing to this example:

My spiritual nature says: Sex? It's over-rated and needless. You need only yourself and nobody else.

My opinionated nature says: Hey, you don't want people to think of you as a dweeb. You need to get out there and make yourself look good!

My Posh nature says: How can you even think of such a thing? Have you no decency?

My work-related nature says: Hah! Sex! XD What a joke. Oh you're not joking. You don't need it! You get a successful career and that blonde secretary 20 years from now might look at your twice.

My street orientated nature says: You gotta hit that yo. You gotta get some poon. Ain't nobody gon' respect you if you dont hit it. (NOTE: I never listen to this side of me)

My self-loathing nature says: You? Sex? HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Never gonna happen! Not to you! Look at you you're pathetic. Not happening.

My emotional nature says: Wait for it. Sex will happen when it's good and ready and when it does it will be the most wonderful thing in the world.

See the problem I have here? I have 7 voices all talking into my head at once. Now that is enough to confuse anyone. But all seven voices saying seven different things about everthing in my life? That's enough to make my eyes spin like fruit machines.

I guess that is why I am so undecided. Each voice is there for a reason and each voice knows whereof it speaks. It's like seven different views of the same thing. Probably why a lot of people turn to me for advice. Being able to see most angles of the situation I can evaluate different routes and solutions most people might not come up with and decide upon each one accordingly.

But seriously though, it's hell. I listen to each voice at different times. Some voices arely get a look in. In this example the emotional voice wins every time. The other voices, whilst useless in this element, are still there. Voices open thoughts, thoughts open memories, wether they be good or bad.

Most negatively though everything seems to be getting on top me. The loneliness, the depression, the voices, the increasing hollowness inside me. Each time I look at the knife on my desk I urge to use it. Each time I look at my window I long to throw myself out of it. I know there are people out there that care for me I and I care for them more than I could say. I'm not being egotistical but I know there are people out there that love me even if I don't see it all the time. If you're one of them: I love you more than I could ever say.

These people rarely realise just how much they mean to people. To be someone's only lifeline, to be one of the few hands holding on to my own, the link in the chain that prevents me from falling.

Tomorrow however is a new day and I look to the future. Everything happens for a reason and I know that something will come my way one day that will completely reverse all of this. Tomorrow is a fresh page in a book yet unwritten. Tomorrow, my friends, is a new day in my Untold Journey.

Anyways I've droned on for far too far too long so now I must say Ta-ta my dear readers. If you've read this far, give yourself a pat on the back. I will speak you all when I speak to you all next.

Much love to all who care,


Hardcore_Washable