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I posted my story somewhere else but the more I thought the more i realized that that wasn’t the full story. I had to be honest about it, it could keep someone from making my mistake. i am 14 but i have made mistakes that made my soul age in many ways.
My story goes like this: I was 13 when i first thought of over dosing. i talked it out with a friend and never gave it another thought. I was on six or seven medication throughout my seventh grade year that sent me even more on edge. Most weekends I sat alone in my room in the dark. Then that summer my cousin was here. I was slipping in and out of depression but not showing my feeling because I didn't want to seem weak. One day i was reading an article about a girl who self injured, it was then that I decided to cut. I told my cousin i wanted to know how it felt but really I wanted to be able to smile again, and mean it. I found an old sharpener and took the blade out. My cousin couldnt look at me as i went to the bathroom. i pressed the blade to my legs and ripped it across. Blood started to come i shouted to her that i see blood. It hurt but the endorphins put the color back into the world. So that night i went to bed with a smile.
I only cut about three times before i got addicted. Than i had to cut everyday for no reason. i just didn't care. Something even multiplies ones a day. People don’t realize what it does to u and how fast it does it. You get addicted to the rush and the endorphins that you don’t even think of what you’re doing to your body. Whenever I looked at the fading ones the buzz I was on disappeared and I was back into my depression. Then once I stopped cutting for awhile, for my cousin, the more time pasted the more I needed my razor. My depression got so bad that I was out one day with my cousin and i saw a motorcycle. Before I could stop myself I was within a foot or so of it. Than my cousin jerked me back. I spent the next few day in a daze over what I did. Then my depression got deeper I tried to drown myself my hitting my head on the bottom of the pool. After my cousin left I tried to hang myself. I hate myself for what I have done but the list goes on. I cut some more until I made a promise to my friend that I would stop so I did. Then I started to choke myself, one time I almost passed out from lack of air. After that I started to dig my nails into my skin till I almost started to bleed. When I didn’t want to do that I would pull my hair or if I was in class it was low key. I stopped eating right and lost 30lbs that I didn’t need to lose because I was “fat” and I believe that. Now I hit myself just punches in the leg or something. After all this time I haven’t been able to get it under control. I will be home alone and think of taking a sip of a drink, or maybe mixing medications but I say no. and now today I have a knife I don’t know what im really doing with it but cutting came to mind but I said no.
I hope this helps someone who is considering self injury not to because I am young and I have made mistakes that I could have avoided if I talked it out. So please just talk it out, I wish I did that instead of resorting to what I did. Most people resent themselves after they do it and I don’t want more people to go through what I still am going through.