First Bloom/ Frozen Tulip
Second Bloom/ Broken Lily
Third Bloom/ Rotten Carnation
Final Bloom/ Abandoned Rose
Second Bloom/ Broken Lily
“You’re not a child anymore, Kohmi.” Matt said under his breath.
“My mental age is young though!” I protested.
“You’re just stupid.” we laughed together
“You’re so mean!” I pushed him lightly
Matt and I are at the mall today. I dragged him along because I hate going alone. Scratch that, I am too afraid to go alone. 2 months of school have passed and Halloween is around the corner. He’s helping me choose candy and a costume for my cat, Kitty, among other things.
Lucas and I have been executing plan “Become closer to Matt” these past few weeks and I have made no progress. Matt and I are the same as always. Can I take that to mean we are already as close together as possible? Can I never be more than an important friend? But then again that should really be enough. I tried to explain to Lucas how Matt and I got along and he would hear nothing of it. He kept saying moments now and then aren’t good enough. And if I’m the only one crying there is no point in even sticking around. Lucas supports my love one second and then the next he tries to convince me into giving up. I’m so confused about Matt recently I don’t know how much longer I can fake smiles in front of him.
“Kohmi.” a voice came up from behind me. I turned to see Matt’s face.
“Jesus, you scared me.” I said dropping the candy bag I was blankly staring at.
“You’ve been standing there for 5 minutes, is your head okay?” he asked.
“Is it ever?” I countered, “Uh, I’ll probably buy this, look for a place we can buy Kitty a costume”
Matt nodded and walked out. I quickly bought the candy and rushed after him.
“Have any ideas where we could go?” Matt asked.
“Hmm. We can just buy a dog costume and force her into it. And for a dog costume a pet store would do."
“I bet the pet store would have cat costumes too”
“Shut up, and I doubt it. Cat’s hate costumes, anyway we-” I stopped in the middle of my sentence and looked around. I crotched on the floor and closed my eyes. Counted to ten and stood again. I repeated this about 4 times before Matt grabbed my arm and pulled me to a deserted area.
“What the hell were you doing?! Everyone was staring at us!”
“Sorry” I said, “I didn’t know where we were and was trying to remember.”
“Is that always how you react when you think you’re lost?” He asked
I laughed “Of course not! My older brother said next time I’m lost, doing that will help me remember.”
“You actually believed him?”
“Of course. Why would he lie to embarrass me intentionally?”
“Maybe because he knows you’re stupid enough to fall for it.”
I looked down at the floor. Contemplated whether or not I should try the process again because I didn’t know where we were. Then decided against it. “Where are we, Matt?”
“Near Ross, why?”
“How do you not get lost in this big place?” I asked
“The trick it not being stupid.”
“How mean! Anyone would get lost here.”
“Sure, anyone under 7 years old would.” He said
“Matt.”
“What?”
“I’m hungry. Lets eat something tasty.”
He laughed. “Sure. I’ll even pay if you can find the food court by yourself.”
I frowned because I already had no idea where I was. Regardless I began to lead him through the Mall.
He was silent except for the occasional laugh, and “You’re so stupid.”.
Eventually Matt stopped walking to check his phone. He stared a bit, reading his message. Then closed it and buried it back into his pocket.
“Sorry, Kohmi. I have to go. Want me to lead you out?” he asked.
“Nah. I’ll be fine.” I lied
“Liar. I’ll text you directions if you need them, See you”
“Bye bye, darling.” I said teasingly. He smiled and then started walking away.
It always feels like I’m about to get closer to him and then he gets away. It’s so unfair. Matt might… never give me a chance. I shook my head attempting to remove the gloomy thoughts but it was no use. I closed my eyes for 2 seconds and by the time I opened them my face was already drenched in tears. Not because he left, because of who he was meeting.
I found a bench and buried my head into my knees. Crying like this in public when nothing has even happened. Am I so pathetic when it comes to Matt? This is stupid. I’m stupid. With everything that has happened, why can’t I learn to lose? I lost Matt a really long time ago.
“You coward” I looked up to see a face that matched with the all so familiar voice.
“I’m sorry, Lucas. My date with Matt was cut short.”
He sighed. “Even if you tell yourself it’s a date, isn’t there something you haven’t told me yet?”
I froze. “Matt is dating someone.” Lucas said, “I heard about it at school”
Lucas sighed again, louder this time. “You’re the stupidest girl I ever met.” he said.
“I guess it’s time I gave up, isn’t it?” I said in a low voice.
“Of course not. Break them up and snatch him up for yourself.”
“It’s not that simple” I said, “How did you find me anyways?”
“I saw a girl crying with long burgundy hair, and Asian looking bangs. There were only so many possibilities.”
“Just my hair?”
“Not really. The sound of you crying was enough to give it away. But your hair sure did reassure me”
“Haha, my make up is all messed up” I said wiping my face.
“Go to the bathroom. I’ll wait here.” he sat down next to me and pushed me a bit, encouraging me to get on my feet.
“I don’t know where it is”
“It’s next to the food court.”
“I got lost. I have no idea where anything is in the mall”
“My god, you’re not very good at life, are you?”
He lead me to the food court and got us something to eat while I fixed my face. When I got back I felt like a ton of bricks were lifted from my shoulders. Make up must be a miracle substance. On the table Lucas was sitting at, was an adorable banana costume for dogs. I picked it up and hugged it. “Kitty will love this!” I exclaimed.
“Thank goodness for my fast working, huh?” he said while sipping his coke, “You didn’t even complete the purpose of meeting up with Matt, how pathetic.”
“I know, right? Next time I’ll just ask you to come”
“Don’t do that. Matt’s the one you need to win over. Doesn’t it piss you off to imagine him with another girl?” He asked.
“Girl?” I said, “Matt is with another girl?”
“He has a girlfriend doesn’t he?”
“No. The person Matt it dating is a boy.” I said casually while taking a bite out of the sandwich Lucas had bought me.
“Matt is gay?”
“Probably”
“How long have you known?”
“Since I met him, he liked yaoi so I figured he was this entire time.”
“Yaoi is gay anime porn right?”
“Basically. The way you say it pisses me off though.”
“Why do you know this?” he asked
“Because I love yaoi, I draw it all the time”
“Before we drift topics, let me get this straight. You have been chasing him all this time knowing he was gay?”
“Probably. Sometimes I forgot.”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“I can’t help it. I didn’t choose to fall in love with Matt.”
“He likes guys but pretended to love you just to hurt you. He really, really hated you, didn’t he?”
“Probably”
“Stop saying ‘probably’ it’s depressing.”
Lucas sighed and got up from his seat. He packed up our things and grabbed my hand “Let’s go home” is the last thing he said to me that day.
I went home and thought about my love which was destined to be one sided from the beginning. Sometimes I wish I was a guy. Between Matt and I we have everything needed to fall in love with each other beyond hope. The one problem which prevents that completely on his side is that I’m a girl. If there is a God and He decides what gender we are and who we fall in love with- He must really like making things difficult for me. It’s not like I can change my gender. And it’s not like Matt can change his preference. This is just too unfair. I can love Matt as much as I do but if he feels nothing back it doesn’t matter one single bit. Even if I feel so sad and lonely, nothing will change just being around him. I can’t lie to myself anymore. I know that I can’t keeping throwing myself around and expect nothing in return. I have to stop this. I can’t love Matt anymore than I already do. I never want to see him again.
I had confessed before and I thought it was all over for us
Yet.. “Kohmi, I love you.” the boy who I have been chasing for so long said that.
As if it were a miracle… I saw the entire world change before my eyes. Matt cast a spell on me
Now I’m awake and walking to the bus stop. That dream felt like a lifetime but I only slept 5 hours last night. I’m exhausted and on top of that I don’t know if I’ll be able to look him in the face again for a while. Even in my dreams, huh? Matt is a terrorist. Well, I guess it doesn’t matter whether I can look him in the face or not. I plan to avoid him for a while anyways. I wonder how long it takes for love fade away. It faded before but then it came back as soon as I began talking to him. How can a love this strong exist and go unrecognized? If that is the case it would be better if I just never talked to him again.
When I reached the bus stop I sat down with a sigh. He’ll think I’m a brat for ignoring him over something like leaving me alone at the mall. But it’s not like that alone caused anything, it just helped me realize that this love isn’t worth fighting for anymore. Since I’m ignoring him I can’t say that either. This isn’t even a complicated situation. I’m just fueling it in my head to find an excuse to talk to him. My phone started vibrating, or rather it had been but I didn’t notice until now.
[New Message] > [Sender: Matthew] >
[Good morning.]
[Reply] >
[Ah. Good Morning, Ma-]
Wait a second. Why am I replying? I am supposed to being ignoring this person.
[Delete Message]
I sighed again. I suspect I’ll be sighing a lot for a while. I do things like that unconsciously, when I see Matt what if my legs start walking towards him and I can’t stop myself? Well, this is no time to worry about it. Lucas will just have to escort me all day and cover my eyes whenever he sees Matt. He is taller than me anyways, he’ll spot Matt in a heart beat. I’m 5’9” but Lucas is 6’2”. He is a beast. I wonder if he is on the basketball team… Before I could ponder things related to Lucas’ height any further the bus pulled up. I stepped on and searched for Lucas’s face. I found him instantly and as expected, there was an open seat next to him. I walked over and sat down. The bus doors shut and Lucas remained silent.
“You win.” I said, “I’m giving up on Matt.”
“Finally” he said
“What kind of attitude is that?”
“I was getting tired of you chasing after an impossible goal.”
“So was I”
We talked like normal for the rest of the bus ride. By the time we got to school I completely forgot about Matt. I took different school routes to avoid seeing him that day. And also for many days after that day.
For a few weeks actually. I was so lonely. I received some texts from him. I just never replied. I keep denying myself him. It hurts, I want to cry. But what is there to be sad about? In truth I haven’t cried even once since the day when Matt left me lost at the mall. I wonder if that is a good thing. Or maybe I just lost my ability to cry. Whenever I look in the mirror I see someone more pathetic and bitter than before. It gets worse everyday. I hate the Matt who makes me feel like this.
Today is the Friday. It’s already been a month and a half since I decided to break it off with Matt. I don’t know why but when I run it through my head it always sounds like I just had a lovers’ quarrel. Why are the simplest things always the most complicated things to approach for me? If I could just get over my feelings, fake a smile and make it the truth. Wouldn’t we be happier? I question myself days at time. The same questions. The same answers. It’s so simple and easy. But maybe it’s impossible for me to forgive the pain and forget my feelings. For anyone else in the world, my situation is so easy that it’s laughable. Why am I not like everyone else in the world? Even if I wonder that much, if I spend sleepless nights going through things. Will I learn anything? It might be impossible since no new information is going in. The old things, and old thoughts being recycled into seemingly new ideals. All of it is meaningless. What will I do? I want to see Matt. I want to laugh with him like usual. This is so lonely. It’s times like these I wish I wasn’t so stupid. I missed the first bus because I fell asleep in 7th period (from lack of sleep because of Matt) and no one woke me up when the bell rang. I still got about 40 minutes until the next one comes, and because I don’t feel like sitting for that long, I’m lurking around the school.
I looked to my left and saw the field. There were lots of people running. The Track Team? Cross Country? I can’t remember.. But I’m sure there is a difference.. I wonder what it is. I found the sight of guys running very amusing. Some were wearing shorts and I considered moving closer to get a better look at their junk. I wondered if they wore something to stop it from flipping and flopping everywhere. And if they didn’t, I wondered how much of it I would be able to see. I am not normally thinking like this but my friend, Melody, said that if I sat close enough I’d be able to see it all in the utmost detail.. I’m just curious is all. I began walking toward the track and stopped. Matt runs doesn’t he? He should be down there and I don’t want him to see me. I guess I can live without seeing people reveal themselves. I’ll just sit here for a while. I put down my backpack and fell to the ground like a rag doll. I‘m still so tired.. I rested my eyes for a few seconds. They felt so heavy, the grass was so cool. And like that I drifted into sleep.
“Kohmi?”, what?, “Wake up”, go away, “Kohmi.” I felt hands shake me slightly. It occurred to me that I wasn’t speaking out loud. It really feels like too much trouble to use my voice but this person might shake me to death.
“Let go!” I opened my eyes slightly. But closed them before the face became clear.
“Why are you sleeping?” the voice asked.
“I wasn’t sleeping. I was resting my eyes.”
“What? That doesn-”
“What time is it?” I interrupted.
“3:35” the now apparent male voice answered. I shot up and opened my eyes.
“I was only asleep 15 minutes a*****e.” I looked over and saw the only face in the world I didn’t want to see. I’m an idiot for sleeping here. Obviously Matt would find me. I should have just gone somewhere else.
“Matt?” I said barely believing I was in this situation.
“Were you waiting for me?” he asked.
I laughed “Hardly.” I answered, “I went to sleep here just to avoid you. And this is how it turned out.”
We were silent for a bit. I sighed a sigh of relief and began to get up, but he grabbed my arm.
“Why have you been ignoring me?” I tried to pull away and his grip tightened, “I didn’t mean anything by leaving you at the mall. Something else came up. I’m sorry, okay? So please stop avoiding me.”
Ah. I was right. He really did think I was ignoring him because of that. It must have been painful. I’m cruel for not explaining.
“Matt, it wasn’t because of that.”
“Then why?” he let go of my arm and stood next to me.
“I was tired of it. I hate pretending to be your friend. My feelings for you aren’t friendly and I was tired of pretending they were. I just don’t want to deal with you anymore.” I started walking away. I thought he would just go in the opposite direction but instead he came up next to me. We walked together in an odd silence.
“Why are you following me?” I asked.
“Because I don’t want you to ignore me anymore.”
“Stop it.”
“Why does everything have to go the way you want it to? Am I no good as a person if I don’t love you romantically? I love you plenty as a friend though.”
“I don’t need that shallow kind of love.” I started walking faster and he matched my pace
“It’s not shallow.”
“I love you so much that of course it would be shallow to me!” By this time we were already near the bus stop. He grabbed my arm again and pulled me into a hug.
“Let go.” I demanded
“Not until you accept a friendship. I won’t ever let you go otherwise”
“Why are you being so hard headed?”
“Because I don’t want to lose you.” he answered.
This hug.. His arms.. His warmth. It’s all so comforting. I haven’t felt so relaxed for a long time.
“You are probably..” he continued, “..my best friend.”
My eyes widened and I punched him in the stomach. He let go of me but before I could run away he grabbed my wrist. “Let go of me” I said “You’re so stupid..” I originally hoped that I could run away because.. His words hit a weak spot I had and I felt like I would give in to him. My eyes watered up and my knees lost their strength, I fell to the ground. “It’s no fair” I mumbled while wiping my tears. “You could probably convince me into doing whatever you wanted.”
Matt hugged me again and when I looked up at him his smile pissed me off. I just lost a battle that I didn’t know I was fighting.
“Walk to me to the bus bench” I demanded.
“Gladly” He said. We sat on the bench for about 10 minutes and the shame had caught up me. As well as the relief. The bus pulled up and I boarded without as much anxiety as I had been recently. Matt makes everything better. I wonder if he is a magician. I chuckled at this thought a bit. The sleepless nights caught up with me when I got home. I never ever had such a satisfying sleep.
Matt sent a text last night. We are going to the mall today. I suspect slightly that he wants to make up for ditching me last time. And we’ll see how he does. We met up normally and browsed the mall normally. I kept finding myself looking around wondering where we were. And Matt laughed whenever he caught it himself. Somehow me being lost is so amusing to him. He attempted shortly to teach me how to find my way through the mall, and he quickly gave up. Before we knew it we had been there for hours. We ditched the mall, caught a movie, and then found ourselves wandering the park. This one day has made up weeks we’ve missed. If we are just friends forever, days like this will make up for my potential tears 10 fold.
“Haha, look at the geese!” I pointed to the lake where dozens of geese chased young children who were likely just trying to feed them. He laughed along side me. We went to the playground and hogged the swings. Parents gave us dirty looks as children went to report our snobbish behavior. Matt and I laughed as they did this. I soon discovered, though, that swings and I are incompatible. Before any more damage was done Matt and I went to sit under a tree. It was fairly gloomy and dark all day and that’s why I agreed to leave the mall. I hate the sun but it was cloudy and dim earlier, now the sun is out and it feels like I’ll turn into dust if I’m in it too much. We stuck around under the tree talking about everything and nothing until the sun hid behind clouds again. It started looking like it might rain.
“I wonder if the sun is my fated rival..” I said while walking with Matt. He agreed earlier to walk me half way to the bus stop. When we reached the half way point I turned to Matt.
“Any parting words?” I asked
“You know..”
“Yes?”
“You are probably my best friend, Kohmi.” he said
“Ah. Same here.” I smiled and put my hand on his head. His hair.. His smell.. His presence… Why does none of it stimulate me? I love him but why is this? Why is everything about me so screwed up? I want him to love me. I would kiss him and do that other stuff just because that goes along with expressing love. Does it mean anything if I have no feelings behind my actions?
“Your reaction is different from yesterday. Last time you punched me in my stomach.”
I laughed “I have to go now. See ya.” I removed my hand and started walking away.
I wonder why I feel so happy all the time. I could sing a song just for him and not be ashamed even though it would suck in quality and probably sound corny. I always used to running away when someone asked me about my life, Matt is the only person who knows almost everything about me. I know a lot about him too. We might really be best friends. And that thought gives me a very good feeling. I’ve never, in my entire life had a person with me, or had been in a situation in which we could mutually call each other best friends. It’s a first for me and it’s pretty great. And for some strange reason I’m even more unsure than usual. Will he find someone better to call his best friend? Will I lose my place in his heart? I feel so much pressure to be reliable, spontaneous, and fun. And if I mess up or let down my guard for a second I will definitely lose him. It’s so much more a burden to carry than just a one sided love, because at that time I was already sure he didn’t love me at all. I still love him as more than a friend, I’m just being hopeful these new feelings will wipe that away. It is probably impossible. Only new love will make me forget about an old one. Ahh…
So complicated.. This young in life, of course there is someone better for me. I just love Matt so much. Why can’t I complete this love? I’ve been trying my hardest for so long.. For years.. And I’ve never gotten anything in return.
That night I argued with myself. How good this situation is, how unfair it is. I cursed myself, and I praised myself. Why can’t I choose a side and stick with it? A few more weeks passed and I am still very unstable about Matt’s and I relationship. Friends? Best friends? Potentially more than friends? I just don’t know anymore. I’m probably wrong about everything I think. Lucas told me that I’m crying less now so he doesn’t care. I thought he would help me but I can’t be his burden forever. We are only Bus Buddies after all. There is only one thing distracting me from my contradicting thoughts right now. There is a place I want to go with Matt. It is a train ride away. I really, really want to go with him to this place. But I haven’t told him that we’re going anywhere. I asked him to spend the entire day with me tomorrow, and he agreed. I’m so excited and he doesn’t even have a clue what I have planned. He’ll be happy, I’m sure. They’re cheapo tickets my mum gave me, and they’re probably stolen. I don’t think there’s any wrong in that, because someone else’s loss is my gain. The place we’re going is important to me and it’s something I want to share with him. I hope he smiles for me tomorrow.
Just like how we never notice the changing seasons, we never notice our drifting hearts.
Can love and friendship coexist? Because I’ve never loved someone this much.
My love was fated to be one sided right from the start. I just don’t have it in myself to throw it away.
