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I typed this entry already. Then AOL crashed. As much as it hurts, I'll do it again, but shorter. I listen to your song, Alana. I need it. cry
Friday, I went to my mother's, then talked to Kacie, and loved every minute of it. Saturday, I saw National Treasure. The chain I've wore for 3 years, ever since my grandmother gave it to me from Italy, was broken by someone. Someone else helped me realize I'm a poor brother. Alana talked to me online, and then I talked to Kacie about how I didn't want to rush into a relationship. Today was okay...until tonight. I was talking to Kacie on the internet, because my stepmother was on the phone, and it was fine...until I went upstairs.
I don't understand what happened. I don't know which side to take. Half of me wants to believe that I shouldn't have put up with what she said, that it was mean, that it hurt, that I should forget about it. The other half knows she's right. That I'm a failure. That I should have handled things differently.
She assumed the reason I took 15 minutes to return was that I didn't want to talk to her. The real reason, of course, was that I had to brush my teeth, go to the bathroom and boot up the old computer. Even so, her doubts didn't end there. We argued for a while. And the things she said are the reason I feel hopelessly lost and tormented. I saved the whole conversation, but I think what hurt me the most is this:
w 1 n33d h3lp [11:19 PM]: {{oh yea and thanks for telling me you loved me last night it meant alot....oh wait you must have forgotten =) }} Guest [11:19 PM]: Your welcome, because I'm sure you wouldn't give me the benefit of the doubt on that either. Guest [11:19 PM]: I was going to explain over the phone. w 1 n33d h3lp [11:20 PM]: {{i dont give anyone the benefit of the doubt. i used to. they alwyas failed me}} Guest [11:20 PM]: My father used to tell me almost every day online, "you're not telling these girls you love them right? no love, there is no love before you graduate. no such thing" Guest [11:20 PM]: Have I failed you? w 1 n33d h3lp [11:21 PM]: not yet. but im sure you will.
If I'm destined to fail her, then why should I bother? Kacie is so sweet to me. I can't believe she'd forsake her own prom just to come see me, a loser in the ghetto. She's like the girl every guy always dreams of. The one who'd do anything and everything for the man she loves. I feel unworthy. Kacie deserves so much better than me. I can't change things with my father. He took me in from my mother when I was inches from suicide. I'm not afraid of him like Kacie says...but I'm not about to defy his rules and get punished for it. And if Kacie can't deal with a guy who can't call her past 10:30, if she can't trust me being away for 15 minutes, if she can't understand the loser who's afraid to use the L word, then maybe she shouldn't waste her time on him. Kacie is probably the only chance I have at finally touching another human being. The girl that deserves 1000 times more than me, but still loves me.
And now I'm at odds with myself. Should I pull the plug? Should I throw away my chance to hug somebody within the next few years? Leave the internet, and let Kacie find a better man, someone who won't fail her? I'd lose it all...and Kacie might gain much better things.
I don't want to leave her, the girl who could save my heart from cursing the thought of romance forever, I want to make amends and forget this happened. I don't want to lose my best friend Alana, the friend I always dreamed of having, who's always there to catch me when I fall. But I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I don't want to feel selfish and stupid all because of my own blind hopes invested in long-distance love, that I promised to never have. I'm sorry Kacie. Please forgive me. I've made mistakes, but there's a reason for them. Just trust me, I know your doubts stem from being hurt, but so do my inhibitions. If you really are so angry at me, maybe this isn't meant to be. But if you can open your heart and understand, maybe there is hope we can be "we" instead of "you and I".
What should I do?
Bedlam5 · Mon Nov 29, 2004 @ 05:36am · 3 Comments |
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