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Well, I haven't updated this in a long time. Let's see, updates so far.

1. Mandy is still my friend, my BEST friend, infact. And may I state, that she is NOT evil and horrible, like she so often thinks she is. I trust her. I care for her. I will always be there for her.

2. I made new friends, most notably, Brittany and Justin.

3. I have more people thinking I am so hot, and wanting to date ******** my brains out, but I just don't like them, am not sure how to feel about them, or don't see them as anything more than a typical chatbuddy.

Yea, that's kind of it. I still care a lot about Mandy. She is truly special to me. I always seem to find myself making her sad or pissed off somehow though, which makes me sad or hurt, which then, in turn, makes her feel horrible and sad, and then she gets down in the dumps and hates herself, thinks she's a failure, and a horrible ******** up. But she really isn't. I know that for sure.

She is the greatest friend I have ever had. I would do anything for her, and something so simple as a kiss from her, would mean the world to me.

When I talk to her, the world doesn't seem to exist. I get lost in thought, in a daze, if you will. All I can think about is her, and wanting to make her truly happy, and do anything for her. That makes me happy.

I'm happiest when she is super nice, and cuddley, and talks about wanting me to move up there so bad, and go on dates and stuff, but then later on, she comes on and says I'm getting the wrong idea again, and that it doesn't mean anything, and that she doesn't love me. That's what hurts. Because I would do anything just to hear her say it, once, and actually mean it with all her heart and soul.

But, it's a lot of my fault. I am an emo at times. I whine, cry, and get hurt by some things. And when somethings wrong, and she, and other people, wont tell me, I keep prying, and trying to figure out what is wrong. I hate running away from my problems. I like to resolve them in a good way. That way, the problem is gone.

So, when I get whiney and hurt, Mandy feels horrible, and starts to hate herself again, etc etc etc...

I would probably still be dating her now, if I wasn't such a whiney emo. But I messed up and pushed her away.

Although, she says that its all her fault, and that she doesn't deserve me, and that she is a bad girlfriend, and a lot more. But she isn't.

We EACH made little mistakes here and there, but I guess she just couldn't take it anymore. And so she broke it off.

anyways.

I am pretty happy with her as a best friend for now. But if, in the future, in the very unlikley chance, that she'd ever take me back, I would be the happiest, luckiest guy in the entire universe. I would do anything for her. I just hope I could make her as happy, if not, happier.

I don't care if I'm not allowed to say it, and I don't care who sees it.

I love you Amanda