My mind is put at ease, for the time being. Evening knowing that everything went fine and that you're ok still doesn't fix the part of me that's broken. I'm not sure that anything can, really, unless we can be together again. Living day by day isn't a life that I enjoy, not in the least. It's a struggle, and people are starting to see it. I'm starting to be like my dad.
I guess I should clarify that statement a bit, huh? My dad struggled with depression for a long time. It was one of the reasons why my mother left him (one of the many reasons, apparently), and she said she's seeing it in me. She's worried, and I don't blame her. She wanted me to go to the doctor's about it, but I did what I always do when people get into how I'm feeling: put on a fake smile and lie and say I'm ok.
I don't want to keep going like that. I don't want to have to pretend like I'm ok for others, I don't want them to worry, I don't want to try anymore. I want to be happy again, but I don't know if that can ever happen again, at least, not soon enough. The stress just keeps piling up from all playing fields, and it's weighing me down, deep into the ground and I don't think I can ever get out of this hole it's creating.
All I want to do is see you, talk to you even. That's all I ******** need, but I can't even have that. Faith just up and leaves, I've made amends with her, but she doesn't want to talk to you. Nick Harvey is helping how he can, but he doesn't seem all that concerned to me. It's more so like he's taken my place, and I must say I'm jealous of him, which just adds to my depression.
Maybe I should see the doctor. Maybe I should go on pills and just become a zombie from it. Maybe that would be better than all this. I feel trapped here, I feel out of place when I'm out of here. I only feel at home with you, and I can't find you.
"I spent this year as a ghost, and I'm not sure where home is anymore."
The Wonder Years seem to be the only thing I have left. Really, it sounds lame, but it's true. It's like they took my mind, my life, my ******** everything and put it into music. I love them, I love you, I want you, I can't find you.
I love reading your entries. I love it when you mention me. I love how I can be there for you even if I'm not physically. I see your picture everyday on my laptop, it puts a smile on my face, even if it's just a small one. These things are the only things that keep me connected to you. They're all I have left.
What will it take to hear your voice? What can I do to make everything right again. How can I make them see how I'm right for you? Why am I not enough? Why must misery be the game that they play? I can't even put them in check. I don't even know if I'm a pawn in this game.
I feel terrible now. You seem like you're doing better, and now all I have to offer is how I'm on the decline. I'm either waiting for the crash or waiting for the sign to lead me back home. To be honest, I'm just hoping that one of these days I'll get a call and see your name on the caller ID, but I know how farfetched that is.
No matter what happens, no matter where I go or how I turn out in the end; if I become a zombie from the drugs that the supposed experts put me on, or if I just turn out to be a different person at the end of this (which I know I will), I hope you'll still love me. I couldn't live knowing that you didn't love me anymore, that you didn't want me anymore. I'll always want you, I'll always love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Let's make it happen.
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