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His name is Jonny, and I love him.
Who am I kidding? No I don't.
Well I'm just not sure anymore.
I thought I did. Back before things became difficult.
I met him backstage during the Veterans Concert. I saw him and he was just so cute. He was also a ginger. I tend to have a thing for gingers, and this ginger was particularly adorable. Like a puppy. So cute that you can't help yourself even though you already know that they are a handful.
I liked him. He flattered me. Well of course any guy that pays attention to me fatters me. He made me laugh. He kept things interesting. He was a little bit immature but I really didn't mind because I was a little tired of everyone being so mature. So we sat backstage and flirted like a couple of high school kids and things just kind of went from there. I'm sure you know how things go in situations like this. The boy and girl text twenty-four-seven. The he starts calling her and they stay awake all hours of the night talking. Then they start eating lunch together. This was the same way. Except it was also so very different.
Its kind of hard to explain exactly how I felt. Sometimes you just get a gut-feeling. Well I'm here to tell you now, that when you get one of those feelings don't ignore it. Because I ignored it. And look where I am. Writing a journal for thousands of people around the world to read, in a bed all by myself.
So it took a while for Jonny to come eat lunch with me, because he's self-conscious when he eats. But he finally joined me. He had to learn the rules though. He was walking on thin ice the first couple of weeks.
My best friend in the entire world sits on the other side of me at lunch. I love her to death but she has her quirks. Really, the only thing you need to know is don't mess with her. And what did Jonny do? Well he learned the hard way that you never, under any circumstances, ever touch her.
Well things were going good like in any relationship. There was one tiny problem though. We weren't actually in a relationship. I was okay with that at the time. I was just satisfied that there was a guy who actually cared for me.
It wasn't exactly how I thought things would be though. I wanted a guy that would hold hands with me and kiss me on the forehead. A guy that didn't care if he was late to class as long as he was the last person I saw before the bell rang. Well Jonny definitely wasn't that guy. He wasn't a very affectionate guy at all to tell you the truth. I did manage to drag him halfway to one of my classes once but he complained that it was the long way to his class and he was going to be late so he left.
In the mornings, before the first bell rings everyone sits in the quartyard. Every couple in school is there because they want to spend every second they can with their loved ones before the dreadful everlasting hours of knowledge and learning begin. I tried numerous times to get Jonny to come out and sit with me, and never once did he come. He always said that he got to school to late and if ever there was a time that he wasn't late then he would go to the cafeteria to get breakfast.
I always feel like an awkward third-wheel to my best friend and her significant other. But I guess thats a price you have to pay sometimes.
Jonny is like a little kid. When he likes a girl and wants to flirt with her, then he bullies her. Jonny always comes up next to me and shoves me. He can't sit next to me without pushing me over. And even if were just standing around, he can't fight the urge to reach up and playfully punch me. There has been a few times at the lunch table where he actually acted as if he liked me.
The first time, he had grabbed my hand while I was pinching him back after he had just pinched my arm. We interlocked our fingers for about 15 seconds, then he pulled away as if nothing had happened.
The second time he was sitting next to me. He started bumping his knee against mine and eventually he rested his hand upon my leg. After he had pulled away and placed it there again, I reached my hand down and placed my fingers between his and that only lasted 15 seconds also until he pulled away.
The third and most recent time, he was laying on the table with his arms crossed and head down. I reached my hand under his arms and grabbed his. He actually stayed there for a few minutes playing with my fingers, until he suddenly jumped up and remembered he had to go talk to his sister.
I find it rather hard to be lovable to Jonny. He's very peculiar. He doesn't really like people touching him. He really hates it if you touch his face, neck, or ears. And he will flip out on you if you even think about touching his hair. He is the only guy I know that carries a comb in his back pocket and whips it out to make sure every hair is in place. It makes it really difficult to flirt with him. He likes to get hugs from me usually but his hugs are so empty. He hardly wraps his arms around me at all. And its always really quick like the world is ending and he has a million other things to do first.
It took forever to finally get him to kiss me. He kept telling me that he wanted to kiss me. He would drone on about how it has been so long since his last kiss and how he really wanted one. I told him to kiss me. I can't even recall how many times I told him to kiss me, and for some odd reason he never would. One day, before we left for Christmas Break, I really thought he was going to kiss me. I had worn a really cute outfit just incase it might have helped encourage him to do it. We were in the quartyard because we had a 15 minute break before we went to our next exam. I gave him a hug and as he pulled away I looked into his gorgeous blue eyes and told him to kiss me. I even gave him my cute sweet smile just incase it was a little awkward. He pondered that thought for a moment before a few people around us started egging him on telling him to do it.
These people are the ones we see everyday. Some are bestfriends, others still really good friends, and even a few who nobody really likes but they stick around anyway because everyone else makes fun of them. They have all watched us from the beginning. Seeing how awkward things get because were the only two people who aren't coupled up. Trying to tell him what an idiot he is because he won't ask me out already.
So here we are in the middle of the quartyard, with everyone around us trying to encourage Jonny to kiss me. Just a little peck and I would have been happy. But instead he says no, backs up, and walks away. Embarassment burned inside me. How could he just leave me standing there? A tiny bit of anger started to take over and that was all it took. I yelled after him, "When you grow a pair, let me know!" I turned on my brand new wedges, and walked away with my head held high. Granted, as soon as I got to class I went to the bathroom and blubbered like a baby.
Later over the break he had told me that he really wanted to kiss me and planned on doing so after school had let out, and the reason he didn't want to kiss me earlier was because he didn't want to be pressured into it. Which I understand completely.
So after we got back to school, each night he would ask me when we were going to kiss and each day would go by without one. Finally one day after school we were standing outside the JROTC room and he had to go to colorguard practice so he gave me a hug and as he was walking in the door he stopped and looked at me, so I asked him if I get my kiss and he leaned over and gave me a peck on the lips and without a second look, went inside. It wasn't really what I had been hoping for. I thought that it was going to be amazing. That I was going to get butterflies or something. But it was simply just a kiss. At the same time though, it felt right. Like things should be like that all the time. Like they had been like that for a long time.
Sadly, that was the only kiss we shared.
After a while, I got tired of trying so hard to be affectionate towards him and getting nothing in return. I realized that this wasnt the kind of relationship I wanted. Even then it still wasn't technically a relationship. He still didn't ask me out. I had told him that I wanted to be his girlfriend and that he needed to ask me out. It didn't phase him. He still never got around to it. So I was going to tell him that I just didn't like him anymore and that things weren't going to work out, but he's not one to take bad news. I walked up to him and told him I had to talk to him. He asked if it was bad and when I said yes he simply said he didn't want to hear it and we just all together stopped talking. For a while anyway.
After about a month, he had come to our lunch table one day because he was selling candy. I only ever said one word to him. No. But that one word was all it took, because he came back the next day, and the next. We started texting again and things picked up right where they had left off.
He had told me that he regretted letting me go and it was the worst mistake he could have made. He had wished that things were different between us but things seem to be just the same as they were before. He still doesn't walk me to class. His hugs are still feel as if im hugging a noodle. Actually, come to think of it, he hasn't even waited for me after school in the past couple of weeks. He tells me he loves me but a lot of times its hard to believe.
I love talking to Jonny. He is the only person that I enjoy talking on the phone with. I'm really not much of a talker. Just mostly a listener. But with him its different. I could talk to him all day. On the phone anyway. In person he is a completely different person. That's how it used to be. Now I find it really rather difficult to talk to him at all. I guess we passed that 'getting to know eachother' stage because now the only thing we talk about is what were doing at whatever moment we happen to ask eachother. Its really quite boring now. We videochat a lot but that gets awkward too because really all we do is stare at eachother.
I'm really kind of depressed because throughout our whole relationship I have tried so hard to work things out and I always get shut down. Now I'm just tired of trying.