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This is getting to be too much |
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People have been saying that I have been angry a lot more. That I'm bitching a lot more as well... yes I have noticed this.
To be honest, I don't know why I'm getting so mad easily. I know that I snap a lot.. but never like this. The homework, all nighters working on homework... the drama within the group of friends, 4-H, Pride, Bon Odori, Sanshin, Finals, so on and so forth... or...Maybe it's the thought of my close friends leaving me.
I always think that them leaving isn't real. But it's coming closer and closer to that time. When you're having fun... time seems to go by so much quicker.... and this school year was a blur to me... I remember everything we did, talked about, laughed about... like it just happened. But then I remember.. that was a week ago, a month ago almost a year ago!!
A typical day after school would hang out with the guys, have a couple laughs, then go with Barb to go and have fun.... but my busy schedual has got me on a leash... I haven't gone anywhere with Barb in almost a month... I am alway too busy, I have other plans, or I'm sick...
Lately I've been feeling... somewhat replaced... I know that I haven't been but it's hard not to feel replaced when I can't even talk to my best friend anymore... that she's going off with other people and leaving me. So I sit there with Lawren, and we are just there... the two who were replaced. Lawren may not show it but she's jealous of those who keep taking Nikki away... and yes I am the same way as well... so Lawren and I at least understand that feeling. But this is Lawren and I just being selfish again...
I wanted to spend my summer with Barb... but I'm going to Okinawa... I'm happy that I'm going to see Aya, but in the two weeks I'm there.. what will be going on back at home? You know what I think.. i think that the two weeks apart will just distance us more... like a small sample of what will happen when she actually moves.... and I don't want that. The more I think about it the more it hurts... the more I want to hold on to them and beg God to stop time. Heather and Barb... I want to keep them both... I don't want to know what it'll be like without their horrible puns, or not have my buddies to help me beat up the guys, to not be able to see them smiling and laughing like we use to.
Sophomore year has really made me realize how empty I would be without them, or if anyone else ever suddenly had to leave, whether it be to another school, state, or country. but some of you cold hearted people would just not care, 'It's only two people, you'll make new friends.' When you have friends like mine two people do matter. We may not be the most, lovely, mushy, kindest people you'll meet; but when it comes down to the quality of their friendship.. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Sure I have other friends, but being one of the guys is fun from time to time... but when I need or want someone to talk to.. I don't want to be one of the guy. Let's face it most guys suck at empathy... When I am feeling alone, it's Lawren who comes to cheer me up. When I'm having a rare boy trouble, want to go and spend time with my best friend or are having one of those days where I just want to shirvel up and go in a corner... I didn't think about going to Matt, Josh, or Ryan. I thought about Barb. Whenever I'm having a crappy day and I need to vent, I go to Heather. Heather, Barb, and Lawren have seen me in my lowest of lows, and my breakdowns... I have such a wonderful support system and what do I do? I absue it, and completly take advantage of it... I am not perfect in so many ways, and am a horrible friend. I am NOT doing this to make anyone feel sorry for me. I don't want or need your sypathy... What I want and need is your honesty, no matter how horrible and true it is.
I just needed to get this off my chest... and clear the constant nagging thoughts, that keep popping up. I don't know if it's guilt, anger, sadness, confusion or whatever the hell it is that keeps bring up these thoughts that I don't want to face until the time comes. I just want to take it as it comes.. but I guess I'm having an overload of things and they're just flying too fast at me too keep up.
They say those who can say that they love you easily don't actually love you. Well I hope you know that each time that I say it to you my friends, I hope you know that I mean it at the bottom of my heart. I say 'I love you' because you are dear to me, and I care for you[though I don't always show it]
~teh_chibi_kori
teh_chibi_kori · Fri May 19, 2006 @ 09:30am · 3 Comments |
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