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I have a job now, *gasp*, I'm sure you all thought it would never happen right? Thing is, this job is absolute hell. I'm not whining or complaining, I'm just stating how I feel about it. I like this job, it'll be good for me in the long run and I really do need the money. It's only a month long gig anyway, so I should be done before I go off to Orentation/Family renunion around July 12th. So where am I working you ask?

Walmart - or more specifically - the Walmart that they're building just outside of town. Our town has never had a Walmart, and now we do, not that there's a lot that risks competing with the Walmart save the Supermarket and maybe the local grocery, being a Super-Walmart and all.

Why is the job hell you ask? Well the hours aren't bad all things considered, 7AM - 4PM. I mean, I'm used to getting up at noon, so waking up at 6AM to be ready and out the door before 7 is kinda tough, but I've managed so far, never been late ONCE.

It's also a lot better than my old job where breaks are concerened. I get two fifteen minute breaks and then an hour for lunch. I really do love that hour for lunch, it gives me time to hit the local fastfood joints and see what they have to offer. I've been sticking with Sonic mostly, more because I am SOOO in love with their ice it's not even funny XD BUt anyway.

The real hard part of the job is the work itself, it's not... HARD as in difficult, just... Physically taxing. Today was rough because when the day was over I could barely walk, having been on my feet pretty much all day save breaks, lunch, and whenever I could sneak a few moments of respite.

My body is definatly not used to this kind of labor, and it shows. I have trouble lifting some of the stuff, but it's not so bad. I'm totally exahusted when the day is done, but I fear that if I were to take a nap when I get home I'd not wake up till the middl eof the night, and then I'd be screwed and not be able to sleep and end up late for work.

My job though, isn't really my main reason for writing this entry, in fact, it's secondary, more of an alibai for my true motive for this post.

Right now, emotionally, I fell like crap.

I did something stupid awhile ago, something I still regret even though I should let it go. The person who got to feel that stupid first hand will know what I'm talking about.

I'm not proud at all of what I did, in fact, it was cowardly, low, and a few other adjectives that my sad abused mind can't really work out right now.

I know you said I should just let it go and stop torturing myself, and I did, I just want you to know, that it's still there. Just not as how it was before.

I feel, pain, from what I did, it's a starnge kind of pain, more of a longing than a pain.

I want what I stupidly let go back, even though I know I should give it time to heal, give it time to mend what is broken and to take a step back to analyze what made me do what I did in the first place. I think I already know, I think I know what I need to do to fix that.

I'm going to need your help, and I know that you will be there for me. You told me you weren't healthy for me, and I told you I didn't care. I know that you were driving me crazy, but that's because I've never had to cope with what I had before me before.

So you know what, I really don't care if it's unhealthy or not for me to want what I want with you.

It's either that or smoking.

And considering most of my coworkers smoke that's not a habit I really want to pick up.

In turth, if I could live that day again I would want to do things differently, I would want to use what I have learned in this time we've been apart to be a better man, be a better lover.

I know I've probably told you this before, but I really do love you, I say it all the time, and it still holds true now as much as it did then.

In the end, you are more than just my bestfriend, you're my sweetheart. No, not just A sweetheart, you're MY sweetheart. You're the only person I'm not scared to tell everything that's bothering to.

Yeah, I have other friends, friends who I sometimes tell things to when I'm worried. But they don't ever get to know some of my darkest thoughts and feelings, these are things that I can only share with you.

I guess that when life gives you lemons you make lemonaid, though, I never really did like lemonaid, it's either too sour or too sweet, never have found the perfect glass.

Ice Tea though, that I could wrap my hand around for a metaphor. But that's really besides the point, and I think I've gone off on a tangent.

Yeah... I did... Bah.

Anyway, I've found that the more and more time we're together but not, I find myself drawn more and more to you. You are the flame to my moth.

I know that one day I will probably tell you all of this, when the time is right. You're wondering why I posted it here huh? Instead of a regular livejournal?

Because I personally don't want to lock my livejournal, and I really don't keep it updated as much as I should. Plus, reading a few of the entries on it makes me a bit on the edgy side, because that was right before I started to become the Cowardly Lion.

Anyway, I just want you to know that I love you, and that I mean it whaen I say that.

One day I know that I will be who I want to be, until then, I'm going ot have to put up with my faults, and work through them, starting with my cowardliness.

But that's going to take some time... But we'll see how things go.

And so it is, that when I am finished, I am done ~

~ "When the Dragons grow too mighty, to slay with pen or sword.
When I grow weary of the battle, and the storm I walk towards.
When all around is madness, and there's no safe port in view.
I long to turn my path homwards, to stop awhile; with you.

~

When life becomes so barren, and as cold as winter skies.
Theres a beacon in the darkness, in a distant pair of eyes.
In vain to search for order; in vain to search for truth, but these things can still be given.
Your love has shown me proof" - Madrigal (RUSH)

This song is a personification of how I feel right now, to be honest. It is my favorite song by RUSH, and I think it will continue to be so. It's also one of their shortest, the version I have from their CD is two minutes and fifiy-five seconds long.

Your love has shown me truth and order, and I am forever greatful. Your words mean a lot to me, and though it may look like I may be giving into you for no other reason than to just do it, it might be because I don't have an argument that could stand to it.

I love you, and I hope that one day, I will be able to hold you again, until then, "I long to turn my path homewards, and stop awhile; with you."