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It has been quite a while since I have posted. It is amazing the amount of things that can happen in just 3 years. It's amazing the amount of shitty things that can happen in just 3 years. 2020 was a year of deep loss for me (not covid related), more loss extending into 2021. That's how I got to start the new year that year. I had also suffered heartbreak, as well as discovered the joys and horrors of being a home health caregiver.

I have always mostly been good and thrived at whatever job I take on, but with caregiving for a short while it felt like I had discovered my TRUE calling until I watched the true horrors of being in home health unfold. From greedy people taking advantage of wonderful old folks and their memory loss for money, to s**t co workers and nurses who could give 2 shits to urgency for a patient on hospice. If you are reading this keep in mind that if you have a loved one go on hospice, the inclination to treat infections and more severe infections goes down. I believe a human being deserves care no matter what state they are in unless they refuse.

What started as wonderful 36 hour work weekends with a patient I adored turned into a hell my heart couldn't bear to witness. For this reason I had decided care giving wasn't for me. I still grieve my patient, as she deserved the WORLD in her final years and deserved a peaceful death. But everyone took that from her as they took advantage.

This is only the tip of the hell I have been through. But why does it matter? I was depressed before 2020 and I am depressed now. Woe is me blah blah blah.
I do find myself frequently disheartened, but I am trying to work on my mindset. But I'll admit it. I often wonder what I've done to deserve to have had such a continuous hard life of pain. I can't even type out what happened in 2020 and 2021 because it still pains me too much to this day. Also, this is online and I wonder where the line is on sharing personal stuff with strangers. As I have gotten older I have found the value in privacy overall in one's life, which is a struggle for me as I connect with others off of vulnerability. Is vulnerability not where the best human connections form?

But I do spend a lot of time with my heart in a great deal of pain. I ask God why he can't just take it easy on me. I no longer feel like myself. Even in pain I have been bright and bubbly around others, always ready to joke and share a sense of humor and some sarcasm. But no longer. I feel as if I have lost a piece of myself. I desperately want to find myself again. But the truth is, no matter how bad I am feeling about my life and myself, thinking about my life and asking "why?" will not benefit me. Beating up on myself WILL NOT help me. And dear Yahweh, let me tell you the self beatings have become horrific. I have forgotten how to be kind to myself, to take it easy on me. Beating up on myself has become instantaneous and 2nd nature. I don't know how I got here.

It's funny because in my logical brain, I know this is not helpful and also irrational. I KNOW I am worth it as a family member, friend, and lover. I KNOW I deserve the best. I KNOW I have a lot of fantastic qualities. I KNOW I'm a beautiful lady inside and out. These are truths I truly do know about myself. And yet it is like the trauma of my brain is holding me back. I became so desperate I looked into TMS and electro shock therapy. Both horrific options I need to clarify, please do not consider these things. After doing research into other folks stories I realized just how ******** up and unbeneficial those options are. I was astonished at how little the doctor had discussed the risks with me.

I can't figure out if I am digressing or not. Much more has happened since that I am not going into. So I guess the question is, why write this and post this? This is SO personal even with what little has been shared. Mental health is one thing I have been trying to be more private about online.

But the truth is, I know as I write this that someone may read this. Someone also in a hard place. The world IS a HARD place right now, and people are more disconnected then ever. Not only from other people and the world, but with themselves. We have all forgotten not only kindness for others, but for ourselves. Depression puts us in our own heads, making us appear self absorbed to the world. Maybe some of us are. I moved to a town 5 years ago that sucked the life out of me. I have been deeply depressed for just as long and any job I worked made it that much worse between the loneliness and the financial strain (or drain! blaugh ) I moved there in a bad state at the time wanting no friends but myself due to a longtime beloved friend screwing me over badly as well as being let down by a BF I had just broken up with in September '17. Now I fear from my choice to isolate and to stop socializing that I have become more selfish, and less of a good person.

I don't want to flip off the car that nearly hit me crossing the road. I don't want to make snarky or judgmental comments on someone passing by or on TV or online, not even in my mind. I don't want to keep the bigger piece of food for myself. I don't want my first instinct in situations to be pissy, I want it to be "Oh, I don't know whats going on with this person so lets take it easy on them". In conflict when someone hurts me I don't want to react with more negativity. I want to live my life with love. When someone does something I don't like I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. I want to feel empathy and love for them. I want things to roll off my back like no big deal. I want to feel grateful for everything like I used to. I want everything I do of body and mind to be with kindness. I feel my pain and traumas have made me less so. I watch others who handle things like this and I really truly wish I could be like them. It's amazing what hard times in years of solitude will do to your brain and thinking patterns. This is why I truly adore Tohru Honda. Every time I watch Fruits Baskets I think "I want to be like her". She never lets disdain enter her mind. Everything in mind and action is of kindness and love for her. It sounds odd when I explain to people how I want to be more like a particular anime character. I admire Deku and Naruto for the way they never let anything stop them, and the way Naruto even forgives his enemies and tries to save them.

Through my pain all I can think about is how I just want to get well. I want to be ALRIGHT again. I am desperate to change my mindset, but I feel so stuck. I know changing my thinking patterns is where change needs to begin. I feel so stuck because I can't even get myself to turn on those positive affirmations in the morning, or snap on those happy subliminals at night, or start meditating at least once a day. I know that if I just spent at least ONE hour a day doing positive affirmations to start it could get me on the road but I feel so STUCK. I can barely get myself to wipe my a**. I feel my nervous system constantly in fight or flight. I know though despite this I can't stop trying. And I feel in me that I want to do this for people like my partner and my Mother, but I know ultimately the only way onto this path of mental health success is to do this for ME.

So again, why the ******** am I writing something so personal online considering I am holding back on so many details?

Because the truth is, a family member deeply broke my heart yesterday to the point where I plan to disown them, and today some ******** up harassment that's gonna continue for a while began, and with everything else going on in my life during some MAJOR life transitions I'm going through I wondered if I was going to make it. My nervous system was so active I wondered if I was going to have an aneurysm or a pure mental breakdown. All I could feel was how awful it felt to be alive. I couldn't eat, sit still, exist, nothing. But my Mom was there in the fog listing my blessings, trying to encourage a positive mindset, being supportive. Listing the positive things about my relationship, having a home, having her, ect. I'm not gonna lie, I still feel awful. But shes right, I am lucky. And it's hard to see our blessings when we are so lost inside ourselves or so deeply shrouded in darkness or depression. We are unable to witness the true reality of things.

So if you are reading this, I want you to know that we may be having different experiences, a different life, different realities, that you ARE NOT alone. I know things feel awful, I am sorry. I am thinking of you. You are one of many struggling to get by in your depression or life struggles, but don't give up. I am there with you. ********, I know that feeling in your chest you carry around, or the dread when you wake up to have to make it through another day. Just Don't. Give. Up. People like us, we need to write what we our thankful for everyday, practice positive affirmations everyday, think of the things we have that others don't. Because there are ALOT of people that have was less then we have, whether that means friends or family or material things. It's easy to forget when we are lost in the dark. Read this and know you are not alone. Life is a uphill battle and it was meant to be. We are responsible for ourselves and how we choose to handle our traumas. We are responsible for how we let them affect our choices and how we treat others. You can do it, like others tell me, I believe in you. I feel like such a hypocrite because in this moment I don't feel like I believe in myself but I know others do, and I believe in you!

Stay strong, keep the fight. Feel free to message me for online depression resources such as subliminals, affirmations, frequencies or anything else. I am happy to help.

On a final note, this has been a therapeutic exercise, and I am feeling better. Writing about how I am feeling has helped me clarify some of my thoughts and what I need to do for myself, and sharing it with others who may be feeling just as bad who are also looking for relief has also helped. I truly do wish you the best. We can do this, my fellow human beings (Or Gaians! razz ) I don't care who you are, I love you <3

Now before I go to bed let's practice together things we are grateful for, a minimum of 5. Feel free to write them to yourselves, or in a comment.

I am grateful for:
1) For my partner. My mother told me today some people would do anything just to HAVE a partner to worry about.
2) For having a opportunity to resolve childhood trauma with a parent.
3) For having a Mother that loves and cares about me
4) For my cats
5) For the roof I have over my head
6) For the future with my partner
7) For the outdoors

As a nice hippie lady once told me, GRATITUDE is THEE best Attitude.

Good Night Gaia Online.