|
A Joke, Riddles, Answer Machine Messages & More.....
Joke about a blonde ( sorry if this upsets anyone I mean no harm) sweatdrop
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing. rofl Some Riddles What am I
I'm as small as an ant, as big as a whale.
I'll approach like a breeeze, but can come like a gale.
By some I get hit, but all have shown fear.
I'll dance to the music, though I can't hear.
Of names I have many, of names I have one.
I'm as slow as a snail, but from me you can't run.
What am I? mrgreen No Use, No Need question
Who makes it, has no need of it.
Who buys it, has no use for it.
Who uses it can neither see nor feel it.Most Common...
It is the beginning of eternity,
the end of time and space,
the beginning of the end,
and the end of every space.
What is it? stare Things Learned from Movies
Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people-whether they are employed or not.
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil. twisted
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. eek
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts-your enemies will wait patiently ninja to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed burning_eyes , everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22. xp
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement. stare
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. pirate
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. question
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off-even while scuba diving.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German).
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. stare
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. xp
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
Twenty-one Things not to do at Hostage Negotiations
1. Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. stare
2. Have one of the hostages hold your gun eek while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
3. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long. rolleyes
4. Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make your demands. rofl
5. Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room. stare
6. Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener. xd
7. Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go. neutral
8. Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a rock paper scissors tournament. razz
9. Forget your gun at home.
10. Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie". razz
11. Ask the negotiator to tell your fianca that this is all a joke and would she marry you.
As Negotiator:
12. Ask the hostage taker if he/she would like to go to dinner after the stand-off. stare
13. When hearing the demands suddenly yell into the phone, "It's always you you you! What about my needs?!"
14. When you call the hostage taker, tell him you'd like a large thick crust pepperoni and snicker loudly. whee
15. Show up stoned and don't do anything at all.
16. When the hostage taker lists his demands yell into the phone "La la la la! I can't hear you!" mrgreen
17. Mention how much income tax the hostage taker will have to pay if he/she gets the F-15 he/she wants.
18. Tell the hostage take that you think Rosanne Barr should play him in the TV movie of the stand-off.
19. Tell the hostage taker you think it would be really cool if a hostage came flying out of a 52nd story window. eek
20. Tell the hostage taker that he must convert to Hindu if he wants you to deal with him.
21.When the hostage taker agrees to let the hostages go tell him, "You're never gonna be on COPS with a wussy attitude like that."
Creative Answering Machine Messages
"You have reached WPMS - 3 weeks of blues, 1 week of ragtime. WPMS."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to
it instead. Wait for the beep." mrgreen
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on,
wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in,
leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I
pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another
long answering machine message when you call me... stare
(Drawling granny voice smile Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have
fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call
until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but
I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh
a lot.
Hello. I'm (yourname)'s answering machine. What are you? razz
Hi, this is (your name)'s answering machine. He/She's not here, but I'm open to
suggestions. 3nodding
Hi! (your name)'s answering machine is broken. This is his/her refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets. domokun
Hello, this is (your name)'s toaster. (your name)'s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)
Hello, this is (your name)'s microwave. Her/His answering machine just eloped with her/him tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her/his calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.
Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My
owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture
taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get
back to you.
Thank you for calling (your number). If you wish to speak to (your name), push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to (friend's name), push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system. confused
(Very fast smile Hi, this is (your number). If you want to leave a message, please
wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press
pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If
you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for
extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your
number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle,
press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP confused
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. neutral
(In a bored voice smile Heaven, God speaking...
Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name,
number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can.
Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless
you, my child, and have a nice day.
Hello, this is Death ninja . I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and
number, I'll be right with you.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how
you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message
and I will call you up as soon as I find it. mrgreen
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid
talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me
out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement
printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money,
or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name,
number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you're from the
Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you. crying
Hi there. This is (your name) speaking. I'm home right now, and in a moment, I'll
have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I'll be thinking
about it...
(your name) here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone.
Otherwise, well, what can I say? cool
This is (your full name)'s answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a
federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI. cool
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns
are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done,
our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally
thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this
initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will
contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our
service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
Hello, this is (your name). I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me,
you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to
call (friend 1 name, friend 2 name, or friend 3 name), please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't. mrgreen
Hi, this is 9your name). I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Hello, this is (your name). I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.)
OK, what would you like me to tell me? lol
We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number wahmbulance . Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy
now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to
leave your name, number, and a message. twisted
I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and
number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.
(Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about to steal
(your name)'s answering machine. If you give me your name and number I'll... Uh,
I'll post it on the fridge where he/she'll see it. Uh... By the way, where did
you say you live? ninja
(Loud heavy-metal music in background; raspy voice smile Hello, this is the
executioner. (your name) can't come to the phone right now because he/she's DEAD! Leave a name and number and IF we decide to resurrect him/her, he/she'll call you back. sad
(your name)'s dead! And God only knows where he/she is! Fortunately resurrections and divine revelations do tend to occur from time to time, so leave a message and we'll let you know when the next miracle occurs.
Science fiction
Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a
transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen? biggrin
(Star Trek theme in the background smile (Voice 1) Room 17, the final frontier.
(Voice 2) These are the messages of (your name)'s answering machine. Its two
semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. (Voice
3) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone. mrgreen
Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander (your name) can't come to the phone right now. He/she's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or
perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he/she
will return your call.
This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what
you-know-when. confused
Miscellaneous
(For Shakespeare lovers only smile So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
This is (your number), and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit
Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message
though. 3nodding
This is the National Security Emergency Password Notification Network. To
initiate destruct sequence, call the CIA with today's password. Today's
password is BABY BOOTIES. rolleyes
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to
test: 5...4...3...2...1... eek
The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name,
phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret
password. xp
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but
I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I
guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...I mean, like, wait,
gosh. This is so confusing. confused
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand the
instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch
this...YOW!! mrgreen
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and
number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is
acetylcholinesterase {or clitoris, or scaphoid, or arrhenotky...}
{Must have good Australian accent] G'day mate. Can't come to the phone now
because I'm a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and
I'll get back to you.
[Note the spelling in this one!] After the tone, please leave a massage--my
shoulders really could use it, and, what? You're only supposed to leave a
MESSAGE? Darn.... neutral
Interesting fact # 1
Did you know That it is a myth that lightning never strikes the same place twice? The Empire state building in New York, USA, is struck 20-30 times each year.
Also to figure out how far away you are from a storm, count the seconds between a flash of lightning and the sound of thunder. Divide the number of seconds by five to learn the distance in miles ( by three to discover it in kilometers). If a storm is within 5 mi. (8 km) try to find a safer place immediatly.Ways to stay young # 3 ( you'll need a straw and a old fashioned salt shaker either six-or eight-sided)
Using an old fashioned salt shaker that is either six-or eight-sided, begin by spilling a small amount of salt on the table top.
Then slowly tilt the salt shaker to an approximate sixty-degree angle. Trying to get the salt shaker to stay in this position requires steady hands and patience. you must use both hands and gently move the salt shaker back and forth between you hands to try to find the correct angle for balancing. By slowly manuvering the salt shaker around in the salted are, or spinning it slightly you are trying to find its center of gravity, which is key to balacning a salt shaker.
When you have finally accomplished this feat, use a drinking straw to blow away the remaining salt carefully. Remember, it takes only a single grain of salt to accomplish this miracle.Today's Featured Presentations whee This One Silly Doggy!!! rolleyes
Click Me This One New Soldiers Having
Some Trouble In
Training!!! xp
Click Me Or This One mrgreen This is cry till it hurts funny!!
Click Me
|
Community Member