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Trees will kill us all!

Today in Chemistry I learned that trees will be the human's last demise. I'm serious. Those assholes are going to be the reason we all die. With the sudden outburst of CO2(carbon dioxide), trees wil be growing atleast 2.08% faster! This means they will give out more oxygen, and water. If that happens then the water cycle will get messed up. And if the weather cycle gets messed up then that means more sever storms happen. And that means more people die. And that means.. death. It all ties up to trees.

Another thing that links up with trees are hippies. Hippies love trees. That means hippies will kill us all because hippies don't want the trees to be destroyed. That means we must kill all of the hippies except for one: Jack Laufgren. He's the coolest hippy. I'm not exactly sure if he's a hippy, but secrectly I do. The only way we can stop the hippies is if we cut all of their hair off. That means all long haired people are hippies. Including girls, but exluding me. If hippies don't have long hair then no one will think they are hippies and then the hippies won't think they are hippies themselves, then they won't want to save the trees because they're not hippies, and then the trees will all be gon, then all of the storms won't kills us all. So really, we need hippies, but not trees.

It's time to talk about death metal trees, and the death metal tree conspiracy. First, though, we will talk about the influence music has put on trees. Mostly death metal. A long time ago during the Knight Era roughly - King George the third was listening to some Katatonia, and was like, "God damn! What are these mutha' ******** saying?!" And then he got curious and logged into the 'way ahead of his time' computer. He got on to the Katatonia website via e-mail, and looked up the lyrics. To his dismay he was absolutely baffled! The main theme to the song was about growing trees because in the future we will flourish off of them. That means that Katatonia is the real reason everyone will die. But that's only half the point. Trees listen to death metal way in the middle of the night. To be more specific: willow trees listen to doom metal; evergreens listen to death metal, and oak trees listen to black metal. Most of the influences that metal has on trees is the lyrical content.

If we want to live then we must destroy metal and any other genres. Metals ancestors are blues, and the blues tie with country, so we actually must get rid of country if we want to survive. So that's another thing that links with trees: music. Still, we must dig deep into this giant tree and find the biggest singers and kill them all. Even the dead ones. We must re-kill them in order to succeed.

Kurt Cobain was one of the most memorable deaths. He killed himself with a shotgun. He really didn't bring an impact to trees (our main main subject). Also, his hair was long, and he sang metal. That's two evil things you can have.

The last main topic, 'subjectible item' that links with trees is sugar. If you think about it - sugar is made from carbon. And carbon is what trees grow off of, right? Sugar is everywhere. Surprisingly in some trees. Not all, but some. You can find sugar where you wouldn't expect. Like yesterday or today actually I was drinking some powerade and I noticed it contained cyanobalamin in it. It made me think of something so genius that it just might work. Since sugar is practically in everything we eat, I thought that we should take all of the food and force feed it to everyone until every last bit of sugar molecule is depleted. Then we would all eventually die off. And that chhunk of human race listens to metal. And with metal, and sugar gone, trees will eventually die off. This means that only small plants and foilage will survive. The humans should be able to grow and produce all of that food back in weeks. Pretty much the only thing left is hippies.

Ronald Reagen once said, "Kill them all, but make sure they don't die!" This example leads to how trees have a special part of them that lets them regenerate. But with all the trees dead, who cares? Actually since I'm such a nice guy I think I will explain how a tree gains regeneration. It's very complicated, but I'll tell all. The first thing a papa tree can do is turn on stealth mode. Stealth mode is where the tree will go completely invisible. When a mam tree walks by, the papa tree will extend its branches and wraps them around the mama. Then he moves closer, tightening his grip, and sexual reproduction begins. It's real simple. Since trees have no reproductive parts. Actually they do. I changed my mind. The male will release every ounce of sperm from it's body onto the female, and with time the sperm will absorb into the female. Three months later the mama tree becomes pregnant and a baby born. There is also a 82% chance the baby is born with the regeneration skill. It's the last thing we want. Seeing that we, humans, want them gone anyways.

Phew! What alot of writing..