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It's cold. To feel alone. to feel that stab of god forsaken lonliness that courses through your mind and body like a quicksilver poison. It's never as you expect the pain. never as expected escpecially when you expect to spend your life with this one special person who makes you feel warm, who makes you feel like you have a purpose in this world. Nothing can compare to the horrible pain that stabs you through the gut and slowly makes its way up to your heart, slowly driving its sub-zero edge through you, bringing full force and fury the cold, dead feeling that overwhelms you inside, like you're dying, but not really dead. it's horrible. it makes you want to die. there's nothing that can ever really compare to the horrendous feeling that makes the world heavier, that makes your mind sear with the tormenting pain that is reality.

Even worse is the freezing feeling of futility that rages about your innards, screaming how powerless, how useless, how insignificant you are.

I should probably go back. About a year ago. I had first went to gaia. It had been a couple of weeks, and I had already gotten a girlfriend, and we drifted apart. mainly because of her personal life, she had things to sort out. I was distressed of course, and I wandered the site, raging about how there was no such thing as love, that there was no real happy ending. I wandered to a bar thread. there, I met a girl. A girl, little did I realize, would come to have great feelings for. This girl was named Hailey. At the time, we talked about a lot of things. strangely enough, we bonded over death. but it was something we found common ground on. I called us kindred spirits. we met at that bar everyday, waiting for each other. one day, she made her own, and invited me there. and there I stayed for a long time. I eventually asked her out, and she accepted. it only lasted a couple months. but those months were memorable. We danced, we drank, we spent so much romantic time together.

...but then, she said, I didn't matter.

It was horrible. I wanted to kill myself. she didn't actually care? how? after all that? I was so confused, I fell into one of the largest slumps of depression i ever had. I fell into another girls' arms. and afterward, Hailey approached me again, and tell me she really did care, and the fact that I loved her meant a lot to her. I was still with this girl. But I still had my feelings for Hailey. a couple of months later, my new girlfriend broke it off, and I went back to Hailey. and saw her in another mans arms. he did almost everything I would do. he said what I would say. and she couldn't resist him. I was about to go mad. I swear, I would've. then she approached me when he was gone and told me she still loved me. we still had feelings for each other, and we even went so far as to practically cheat on her new boyfriend.

He approached me one day and told me he had no actual feelings for her. and I was damned glad. Hailey and I were a real damned couple (despite that they continued the charade for the entertainment of others) and I was so damned happy. over the course of a good 6 or so months we remained a happy couple. But apparently, her 'ex' didn't know she and I were an item. and he developed feelings for her too. So me and Hailey kept calling each other, IM chatting, emailing, everything. we wanted to keep in touch in every way. then..... disaster.

just a while ago, Hailey's mom called me. She threatened that if I ever talk to her again, in any shape or form, I risk lawful punishment. their bills were high and the fact that I'm 17 to her 14 was apparently enough to drive a potent wedge through us. This was the biggest heartbreak of my life. I promised Hailey I would always be there for her, that I would always love her, that I will always do anything for her. I promised everything to her. and it all came down in vain. the only thing I had to look forward in my life was Hailey. and she has been taken from me. I can't feel much from the cold emptyness inside me now. for the first time in a while, I actually cried. i couldn't stop it, the pain was too much. it all came out. This was quite possibly the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I doubt it's over, though. I'm so lonely and I can't do anything about it...