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If my gender is not immediately recognizable by the way I look, I will keep that look and hit on EVERYONE else on the show, regardless of gender, for maximum confusion value.

I will have really awesome powers, so if anyone gives me grief about my looks, I can open a can of whoop-a** on them.

I will introduce slapstick humor into all battles. No one has given the hero a wet willie before, and the look on his face will be well worth the beating.

I will develop supersensitive hearing. When the heroes start analyzing the battle and explaining their companion�s newfound powers to one another, I�ll be in the loop.

If I suddenly develop a new superpower, I will not stop in the middle of battle to tell my opponent all about it. Psychological warfare is nice, but the element of surprise is nicer.

If I suddenly develop a new superpower, I will not stop to boggle at my newfound abilities. I will act as though I always had the power, and will attack with it immediately. Twice.

I will not kill God. It never helps.

If my most powerful opponents are eight years old, I will not try to run them off the field of battle by mocking them, threatening them, or killing their fathers. I will send them each a PlayStation 2 for Christmas.

I will never stand and grin smugly as my opponent disappears in the explosion from my attack. They will always show up again after the smoke clears. Instead, I'll throw everything I have into the center of the devastation to prevent them from making me look stupid by surviving.

I will remember that both my enemies and my allies would prefer a simple but eloquent "Bring it on!" rather than a long and snooze-inducing taunt to start a fight.

I will keep blackmail items on hand at all times.

I will not waste time taunting my opponents. People who use taunts are notorious for getting their butts kicked.

I will be prepared to act weak to fool my enemy into having mercy on me. Then I will turn around and kick their butts.

I will not give a damn who kills my arch-rival. Just so long as he dies.

If my purpose is to destroy humans, I will not toy with them. I will trigger a few ecological disasters and get the job done quickly before that brat can get strong enough to destroy me.

If I cannot defeat the hero, I will beg to become his pupil and change my evil ways. Once I've learned all his secrets and tricks, I will kill him and resume my evil ways.

I will finish off all opponents quickly, rather than savoring their "impending" demise.

I will carry a small, adorable puppy/kitten/cute innocent creature at all times.

I am a villain. I don't give a flying crap about honor. Alright, I do, but it's bad for the rep. So I'll ACT as if I don't give a crap about honor.

If I lose, I will not b***h about how I'm all-powerful and shouldn't be able to die. If I'm gonna die, I'll go without looking like an idiot.

I will not keep trying to fight someone who has already kicked my booty multiple times. I will aim for his wife/kids/loved ones so the hero will die while throwing himself in front of the beam meant for them.

I will not stand around looking awed or smirk while anyone is gathering their strength. I will attack while they're screaming and have their eyes closed. Yeah, I'll miss out on some nifty pyrotechnics, and yeah, I'll be breaking anime rules of power-gathering, but the fans will love me for getting to the much anticipated action. And won't it be an interesting way to be original?

I will not gloat preemptively. This is the cue for the near-dead hero to come barreling out of nowhere and liquefy my kidneys.

I will not hang in the sky and provide blow-by-blow commentary as my friends take on the villain one by one; instead, I will provide emergency training in a rare and arcane maneuver known as the "cavalry charge."

I will not allow my enemy to power up, no matter how cool it would be to fight him afterward.

If I�ve just spent the last several months in intensive training out of sight of the rest of the crew, I will not greet them with news of how powerful I�ve become and how many cool new attacks I�ve developed. I will tell them that I sprained my ankle after the first month and had to spend the rest of the time on my butt on the couch, watching daytime TV and waiting for my ankle to heal. Sure, it�s a lie, but I won�t have to endure a round of counterbragging, and the hero won�t offer to kick my a**. And when I do unveil my new and improved superpowers, everyone will want to try my training regimen. ("Cheez doodles are fine for beginners, but you�ll need twinkies if you really want to go for the burn." wink

If I have a power which can be upped by a near-death experience, I won�t wait until the middle of a pitched battle with the strongest enemy yet. I will institute a training regimen involving sterilized instruments and regenerative items several months before I expect trouble.

I will have a list of wishes memorized so that if I need to make a wish fast, I won�t have to spend precious time trying to make one up.

I will remember that I can absorb massive amounts of damage, not that I have to.

I will constantly fire energy blasts quickly, and at my opponent's head. If this does not work, I will whip out a gun and shoot them in the kneecaps.

If I have a super-powerful attack that leaves me open to attack for several minutes, I will blind my enemy, then hide to power up for the attack, rather than standing on the highest, most visible platform in the area.

If I don't know a blinding technique, I will keep pepper spray on hand at all times.

I will not start easy and gradually use more powerful attacks as I get my butt kicked, I will use my full power from the start and kick my enemy's butt first.

I will not listen to taunts.

I will not show mercy.

I will not believe a word my enemy says.

If I cannot fly, I will damn well learn. It doesn't matter if I'm a human noncombatant; if the cat can fly, so can I.

I will train during periods of peace so I don't end up reaching a new plateau of power in the middle of a battle.

I will take the Evil Overlord List as my bible.

I will not fall in love with the hero's romantic interest. I have no chance with him or her, and all of the interesting characters are already on my side.

I will not kill my underlings, no matter how ineffectual or used-up they are. It's terribly embarrassing to have the winning hand and lose because of sheer lack of numbers.

If my underlings repeatedly desert me for the hero's side, I will look into the merits of what he or she is doing. If it doesn't suit my plans to join the forces of good, I will at least institute a program to stop employee defections. Perhaps something involving cheery slogans and coffee-room posters.

If my enemy is a magical girl, I will not stand in awe as she goes airborne, drops all of her clothes, and starts spinning in preparation to transform. I will wait until her regular clothes are gone, then yank her down and start fighting. If her shock at my breaking the Law of Uninterruptable Metamorphosis doesn't paralyze her, the fact that she's in her birthday suit will.

If my enemy must shout the names of his attacks to get the full effect, I will invest in a simple first-level AD&D spell known as the "Sphere of Silence."

It hardly bears mentioning that my own attacks won't have a verbal component.

And if the author insists upon my shouting attack names, I will not choose eight-kanji confections with fourteen syllables and no identifiable meaning. I will have attacks with names like "HA!"

...Although I might make an exception for an attack called "Neener-neener-neener."*

Whips are fun.

Chains are fun.

But they should be used sparingly unless I want to appear in yaoi fics for the rest of my born days.

If I am facing an unbeatable mecha, I will not aim for it to the exclusion of all other targets or risk my underlings to get the specs. I will take out the techie team which maintains it. And then I will aim for it to the exclusion of all other targets.

If I am a second-string villain, I will join the good guys at the first chance and help them kill my boss. Then, while they celebrate, I will kill them all and take over my boss's position.

If I do find myself unemployed after the war, I won't go over to the side of evil just because they're the only ones who still need my skills. Vocational training is dull and embarrassing, but not as embarrassing as having to fight all my old allies.

One-on-one fights are for wusses who never learned to ignore schoolyard taunts. It takes a real man to ignore cries of, "Six-to-one odds aren't honorable!"

I will bear in mind that a fight is the second most lasting form of contract known to the animeverse. If I lose, the jerk will show up and taunt me at every plot twist; if I win, he will follow me around demanding a rematch. Or worse, he will join me.

I will also bear in mind that a date is the most lasting form of contract known to the animeverse.

If an admirer refuses to understand that I don't want to date him, I will not fight him or engage in devious schemes to get away from him. I will go on a date with him and spend the evening demurely picking my nose.

If a too-cute-to-live girl refuses to understand that I don't want to date her, I will not hatch devious schemes to get away from her. I will go on a date with her and try at the first possible moment to get my hand down her blouse.

But before I do this, I will clear my plans with her brother, secret admirer, or anyone else likely to pound me for being hentai with her.

And if trying to cop a feel doesn't get her to run screaming from me, well, now I have a cute girlfriend who doesn't mind if I try to cop a feel. Things could be worse.

If I'm facing a particularly amusing or pathetic villain, I will resist the urge to kill him or let him join me. All that does is to clear the way for some new villain who is probably infinitely worse.

I will establish a plan to escape from those inevitable rampaging love triangles. It may save me some dimensional-hammer-related pain.

If annoying suitors are inevitable, I will arrange to attract only suitors who lack my strength or powers. If I do fall in love, my suitors won't be able to interfere with me or my love interest.

I will have an obnoxious personality quirk that makes others suffer. This will keep me out of the "unlucky" character bracket that nice people get stuck in.

I will hit on the villain of the opposite sex. This will distract him or her, and I may even score another ally. As for the second worst possible outcome, well, s/he was going to kill me anyway, right?

I will keep in mind that the worst possible outcome is that s/he will stay around and add another side to the love (geometric shape) I'm already in, so I should save it as a last resort. God knows that if it works, I'm probably swamped with suitors already.

I will remember to knock and loudly announce that I am entering the bathroom. There are no limits to how many times this would have simplified things.

I will duck and avoid the large, heavy object which is coming my way, then say, "Wait! I can explain!"

I will not allow the center of my powers, and thus the fate of whatever I am protecting, to depend on a gem, stone, or any object smaller than a grapefruit, which could be easily stolen, lost, or accidentally flushed down the toilet. My powers will revolve around a 40-foot stone monolith on an unsightly, dangerous planet, far, far away, cemented to the ground, guarded by giant, savage housecats, and possessing a ghastly smell. Sink your teeth into that, villains.

I will use the patented "anime eye-twitch syndrome" to look cute and sucker everyone around to feel sorry for me. At the very least, it should be useful for getting out of speeding tickets.

I will carry a small, powerful, concealed firearm and a bottle of mace at all times, just in case my large, decorated, twangly-dangly attack doesn't work for some mysterious reason. I will encourage any other members of my party to do the same.

If I am faced with the choice of being destroyed by something evil, or of letting loose something even more evil in the hopes that it will destroy the lesser evil and then not eat me, I will think carefully. The greater evil is likely to become my romantic interest.

If I cannot cook, I will not keep trying in the vain attempt to convince everyone of my femininity.

I will, however, bring huge amounts of preprocessed snacks.

I will not waste my malletspace account on mallets. An AK-47 is about the same size and much more handy.

I will not fall in love with the first boy I meet in the magical world. There's bound to be another six or seven along in a minute.

I will resist the urge to dropkick the obscenely cute and fuzzy whatsit which follows my party around. There's no telling what powers it has.

I will perform exercises to sharpen that rare and delicate faculty known as a "memory," so that I don't have to waste valuable time repeating everything that is said to me phrase-by-phrase.

I will not be astonished when I manifest magical powers. Of course I have magical powers; it's in the show's name.

I will watch plenty of anime and play lots of video games during my stay on Earth so that nothing I meet in the other world fazes me.

I will not waste my magical powers on trivialities like passing tests. If I play my cards right, I'll never have to go back home again.

I will not waste my magical powers on getting boys, either. If the series is worth its salt, I'm already rolling in bishonen; and who wants a blob-faced future salaryman when she can have a gorgeous ranger, a sexy assassin or a dazzling elf?

I will, however, conquer the world. It's been a long school year, and I really need a vacation.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

To keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the person who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.

I will never accept a challenge from the hero.

I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.

No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"

Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.

If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless

Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.

Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.

I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.

Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.

My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)

I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".

My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.

If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.

Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.

I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.

I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.

If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.

As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.

If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.

I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.

If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.

I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.

If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his capture.

I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.

I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.

If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.

If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.

I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.

I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.

I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.

I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.

I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.

I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.

I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.

I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.

I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.

Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.

Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.

I will not, under any circumstances, marry a person I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing sob simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.

I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.

Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."

If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.

I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.