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Writer's club! Well, we're getting a literary magazine club toghether. So, I can finally get something published... ... Do I really want to have anything of mine read. Everything I write is so personal... Do I want to put my soul under the microscope and allow everyone to read my deepest wishes, see me for who I am? This facade of happiness does me no good. I pretend to be ecstatic. I'm depressed. Although today I'm better than yesterday. I broke down and watched two eps of chobits. I'm going to be so behind now, but it's a price worth happiness. Even if it's just temporary... I'm going to lay it out there. I know what I want deep inside, so I'll tell all five of my readers... I want to be asked to the Sadie Hawkins' dance. I want to dance a night of romance. I know it's shallow. But I want to know how it feels to have someone stare in my eyes and confess their love, even if it's just some superficial weeklong highschool kinda thing. I've had it happen before, but... Let me put it this way... The one I love is only here on gaia. I don't know her in real life, but... I really love her... She loves me too... I think. I hope. The last couple of days have been a nightmare. I haven't had any contact with her at all... It's tearing me up... What if something happened? What if she can't ever talk to me again? What if? I know it's selfish, but I really care about her. And, once again I have written a post that I don't think I should submit. But, I'm going to anyways. Maybe it'll help decipher my depression... Or maybe this isn't why I'm upset. Sure, It's a factor, but... Maybe It's because I look around me, and I see the future. Not literally, but I mean, I'm able to see that my friends are going to be successful in life... All of them are going to fufill their dreams. Except CJ, but I wouldn't wish to see the future if he commanded any military body... Where do I see myself? I see my self alone. A hermit. Away from everyone else. Locked up alone with my bitterness. Away from society, my only company being shattered hopes, and annihalated dreams. There's going to be a desk. On the desk, hate letters. In the trash can, rejection letters. The works that I get published don't give anyone hope. They hurt. They scar. I picture myself getting up, and writing my bitterness out. Inflicting it on the world. How terrible... I don't want to hurt anyone. Ever. I.. I wouldn't be able to look at myself the same way. Oh God... If I went into the military, I wouldn't last. The thought of killing... Just, don't let them put in a draft... I couldn't... When I try to seriously tell someone about my fear of killing. My fear of inflicting pain. They call me a hippie or something stupid. They think I'm joking.... Now, as I look at this, I realize it's just a continuation of all that was written two days ago. It's me. Under a magnifying glass. Exposed for the world to see. And yet, there's a different side to me. There's an anger as well. Something that wants to finally lash out at all the bullies. Fight the biggest one one on one. Let my fists fly, fight ferociously. Take them down. I want them to stop making fun of me... I want them to stop making fun of everyone... Do you ever have days where you're tired of being you? Where you wish that you were someone else. ANYONE else. Just even for a little while? Do you ever want to be able to take control of your emotions? To only be sad when you're alone. So no one can see? To be happy when everyone else is around, and only happy amongst company? It's called "acting." It'll let you get rid of those desires. And be applauded for it. ...Or laughed at for it.

Posted by: Spence Wind Fri Feb 25, 2005 @ 12:51am

Lol. When I am bored, I shall return. Because all you noobs are a plague. And someone must exterminate them.

Comment on my sig and you DIE.

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FlameTahiri
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Commented on: Fri Feb 25, 2005 @ 02:37am


	I...I'm sorry about the hippie joke, Jordan. That's all it was, a joke! Heck, I called myself a Nazi, as Bryce has before... I was only kidding. It seems to me, sometimes, that you're one of the very, very few people I CAN kid around with. You're one of my best friends, of which there are either three or four--I'm not sure about the fourth at the moment--and you're very important to me. All my friends are. Please, don't feel like you have to act around me. If there's anything I hate, it's people feeling like they can't be themselves. I go through that every day. We all do, I think. I just hope your life works out, however corny that may sound. (Probably very.) With your love on Gaia, and your future. Somehow I can't see you as the hermit type. Nor can I see you as writing bitter, hate-filled literature. Or as a soldier, or letting loose and hitting a bully. You've too much control for that, too much goodness in you for that. There are ways to resist without violence. I trust you'll find that way. Your way. Best of luck, Jordan.

Commented on: Fri Feb 25, 2005 @ 03:04am


	... I'm not upset at you for calling me a hippie... You kinda have to read the previous two points to understand

Spence Wind
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Reilora
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Commented on: Sun Feb 27, 2005 @ 04:16am


	i'd ask you to Sadies if i were interested in artificial love, but i'm not, so i'm not going to.

Commented on: Sun Feb 27, 2005 @ 06:38pm


	ll i'd ask you to Sadies if i were interested in artificial love, but i'm not, so i'm not going to. There are two people I want to ask me, but one person I don't know in person. The other one wouldn't ask me, she's crushin on someone else...

Spence Wind
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Spence Wind
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Commented on: Tue Mar 01, 2005 @ 06:19am


	Chobits opening theme, Let me be with you. Yeah it's corny, but if you listen to it while you're crushin on someone it's the greatest song ever Futari ga kitto deaeruyouna mahou wo kakete Ryoute wo sotto kasanetehora hohoemukara Honto no kimochi kitsukanai furishite Totsuzen futari koi ni ochitano Let Me Be With You Let Me Be With You Let Me Be With You Dakishimetaino Imamade zutto ienaimama kakushitetano Tsuyogatteru soredakenano mitsukedashite Machiawasemade atogofun mattete Sonoatofutari koi ni ochitano Let Me Be With You Let Me Be With You Let Me Be With You Nakitakunaruno Tsunaidate wo sotto hanasutoki Fuan ni naruno Fuan ni naruno Let Me Be With You Let Me Be With You Let Me Be With You Dakishimetainoni Dakishimetainoni Translated To make sure the two of us meet, I cast a spell Our hands are gently touch, and then look at me smile We pretend not to realize how we really feel And suddenly, we fell in love Let Me Be With You Let Me Be With You Let Me Be With You I want to hold you tight Until now, unable to say it, I've just been hiding it I'm only acting strong, that's all it is, please see through it Just wait five more minutes until we can meet And after that we fell in love Let Me Be With You Let Me Be With You Let Me Be With You I just want to cry When we let go our joined hands It makes me uneasy It makes me uneasy Let Me Be With You Let Me Be With You Let Me Be With You I just want to hold you I just want to hold you

Commented on: Sun Mar 06, 2005 @ 03:51am


	writing the things that bother you in poetry isn't a bad thing... i do it all the time. congradulations on being in the writer's club. in my last year in high school I joined one & had a blast. though some of the people who edited the poetry were horrible pricks but I didn't let their openions stop me. & as far as how your feeling & can understand completly. not wanting the world to see yo but wanting to prove yourself more then anything. I was picked on Terribly in middle school & high school. perhaps my methods for dealing with things weren't the best but I came to a realization. those people are hurting in some unseen way that makes them act that way or perhaps they get a power trip from it. but you're better then them. you will have to find your own way to survive this. but don't let them get to you, don't let them get you down. & realize that you have a write to be angry but fighting isn't always the asnwer. as well it's an understandable thing not to want to hurt any one. it's proof of how big of a heart you have. don't deminish that by rushing out into a world were you need to kill to survive. I'm sure you writing will bring happynes to many people & I'm sure you make a great diffrence to your friends & family. just ask them. & Yeah I have wanted to be some one else many many a time...so much so that I tryed to change myself & lost myself many a time. even if it does hurt to be yourself at times there is no one better you could possibly be. when I feel restlus & like I need to change myself & the world I simply try to help those around me. I smile even though inside I'm dieing. play pretend that I'm ok so that others won't worry. in that you are lieing to yourself & others. just know it's all right to not be ok. through these hard times we find ourself, find those who really care. as well I don't think you'll end up alone at all. unless you make it your lifes goal. but you seem much to sweet a person to end up with such a fate. though things might look bad right now hang on. get through this & things will get better. they say the tougher the jerny the more rewording the destination.

Saria513
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