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My theories have always been everyone is above me. I put everyone higher than I do myself, not in my actions, but in superiority. I always look at myself as the ugly fat girl no one would ever like. But, as I have come to find, this seems to be untrue. Infact, it is quite the opposite. Because, though I do realize that there are better looking people, smarter, funnier...everything. Everyone has their match. Everyone has someone that is greater than them. And in all cases, God is a prime example.
In a rather short day, I learned something that has taken months to instill in my head. Maybe I hould start from the beginning of it all.
Over the summer, I started to talking to this guy Josh. He goes to my school, and I knew who he was but never really took notice of the guy. And so we start talking, he seems to like me a lot, and I told him it was because he didn't know me. He tells me friend he likes me, and I started to get interested in him. So school starts. And we talk for a few days before he realizes he really doesn't like me. I called it. But it was just the entire thing, mainly because he was infautated with this one gir, I couldn't understand why I didn't measure up. And it was actually very very upsetting.
But I got over it, and my main goal was to make him realize how much he screwed up. But, I didn't. Because it soon became unimportant to me. And I had to deal with some at home problems, and I was still a bit down on myself. Until recently actually.
This past friday, I was at our football game. And like, my friend told me that he liked me. The problem is he has a girlfriend. I kind of like him too. but there is that problem. Yet somehow I am fine with it. Because, it just gives me a bit of reassurance. And I think my other friend likes me too. It's weird. Just his actions and stuff.
But you know, It's like, I am so sick of never being good enough for anyone. Now i finally feel like I am good enough for someone. Like...Not every guy I date is to good for me, and I don't deserve them. No, now, I can look at a guy and ask if he is good enough for me. That kind of comes from new faith.
I seemed to be lacking something in my life. Actually, I probably never would have discovered this if it hadn't been for Megan. Generally, my life consisted of coming home from school and spending hours on the computer no one should ever spend sitting in one spot. And so I thought maybe the fact I was never on the computer, I was with my friends and having a great time, and just being a normal teenager, maybe that had something to do with it. Then I went to church. And I found that being there made me happier. It made me feel more alive, and it seemed to fill a missing spot. It's weird, because I can't exactly say what I believe in, but just being there....it was different. And I liked the feeling.
I think I have changed, a lot actually. Because I came to realize, that I need to stop feeling so bad for myself. I need to stop tryig to please everyone, trying to measure up, and make other people measure up to me. And I need to stop waiting around and keeping my hopes up on something I can't count on. Because I can't waste my llife like that. I just have to let things play out.
I still believe fate is on my side. And I still believe it was meant to be. And if it's fate, nothing is going to stop it. Without mentioning names, I am pretty sure that you know who you are. And I want you to know, It's you and me forever. In my heart and soul.
Just sometimes, things have to be put on hold. Sort of that wrong time thing. But given time, yeah, I think fate is on my side. And anything I had problems with i my life before, I think it's going to get better. I will be getting a job soon, a car. I have the best friends a girl could as for. Mhm, things are going pretty good.
But I want to let everyone know who has noticed I havent been online. I'm really really sorry. I just have drivers ed, homecoming was this past weekend. And I was chilling with my friends. This weekend i have a football game, hanign with megan, then time with the relatives. This week with school, drivers ed, rainbows, and my own time, I can't promise to be on much. But i love hearing from everyone! <33333
Peace out girlscout!
x__bri t h e o r y · Mon Feb 19, 2007 @ 02:16am · 0 Comments |
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