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It's been quite a while since I wrote, and I guess I've certainly needed to rant a bit. To that extent, I'm apologizing in advance. =)
Depression has had a very hard grip on me for quite a while now, for a number of reasons. The people around me tend to be the source of it. The people I care about and the ones I try to, seem to just drag me down. The following, is for the various people in my life who I've worried over and been upset about.
People have taken their toll on me lately. Every day I get calls and assignments to go do running and chasing. Friends and family alike asking things of me on a very regular basis. It's not that I hate hearing from them, but it's more a matter of what they ask, and how they ask. Many friends of mine only ever call me when they need something from me. It's been insulting for quite a while even. I get asked a favor, perform it with more than excellent service, and then hardly hear from someone. Many people even calling me often for favors, taking advantage of me, and then never really returning them. It's not more that I keep track, than it is that I see these people quite often and the rewards for my actions are few and very far between. I've been giving and giving and I never had much to give in the first place. Since last September, I haven't been quite right. December added the cherry on top. The last few months, have just been for show. The depression only ever seems to get worse. I want to pick myself up, but every time someone takes away from me. I've gotten to the point where I've stopped trying, and just tried to prepare myself for when the next person is going to kick me in the stomach.
On another note, quite a few of my friends never talk to me anymore, or at least of their own accord. Many of my friends seem to just neglect me out and out, although they would be people I would say I share at least a semi-decent friendship with. People who I've tried to keep up with, but don't want to keep up with me. Never do they call, even just to say hello. Never do they visit me, to see how I'm doing. More often than not, I only ever tend to see them when I show up where they are, or they need something from me. I've begun to think I've lost all of my friends who really care anything about me, but only really care for what I can do for them. They're like parasites. They feed and feed and continue the suck blood from their host until they've bled the person dry, and then move on to something a tad more on the exciting end of things. Some friends of mine have just drifted away, and even then, I wish they would just give me a jingle so that I can hear from them. I don't even really ask much more than I just wish they could show the kind of caring for me, that I've tried to show for them in the past. For every one of my friends, I've tried to put smiles on their faces at every opportunity. Why doesn't anyone ever want to see me smile?
I've had a select few friends who have decided that going on self-righteous trips is what all the cool kids are doing, and thus, jump on that bandwagon. I'm going to be completely, ******** blunt about how I feel right here. ******** you, and ******** the horse you rode in on. I don't ******** care, and I don't ******** want to hear it. In the few friends who like to go on these crusades justifying their trips or rants like it means something, should really just shut up. As much as I would still call these people my friends, I'd have half a mind to slap them square across the face for the things they've said. As harsh as it may sound, to the people I never hear from: 5 minutes. Every few weeks even, I wouldn't mind a call. We're talking about 5 minutes, out of a 2 week period. Out of 20160 minutes in that time frame, I cannot get 5 from you? You go on your rants about how I ask too much, and all I want is to know at least you think of ME, as much as I try and think of YOU. Be it a call, a message, something you pass on through a friend, I don't care. It means something to me, and it'll put a smile on my face. Next time you choose to say something whining about how people ask too much of your time, just close your cake trap. You could send me a message saying nothing more than "How're you doing?", and possibly following it up with a brief conversation, and you could satisfy me. For the people who want to tell me I'm wrong or lazy or it's "my job" to do something for myself: Find someone nice and ask them to ******** you, you need it. You obviously haven't had enough d**k / p***y to satisfy you, so you make it your job to piss ME off. I don't know what is so hard to ******** understand about me, or why I do things. If you think I'm wrong, ******** you. A lot of times, I just take an alternative route, or do what is comfortable for me. If you wanna call me lazy, I'm a near professional taxi driver considering I'm hardly out of my car all day, doing favors and taking people to places where they need to be. If you think I have time to really do some of the things I should / need to within reason, you're out of your ******** gourd. I can't forget the really true self-righteous assholes though. The ones who lecture me on my depression, how I'm not making enough of myself, or how I'm not trying hard enough to help myself out of my rut. You're the ******** winners. You get the biggest load of horse s**t I have to offer. I, am 19, and suffer from depression and anxiety. A lot of you tell me to shrug it off and keep moving. YOU'RE MORONS. I suffer from a combination of conditions that are constantly ******** with my emotions and thought processes. I don't have time for your bullshit! I have to spend enough of my time trying to rationalize myself into motivation, trick myself into thinking I'm happy, and still do all the other crap I do for other people. I'm not a ******** either. I'm a moderately intelligent individual still struggling in an uphill battle. You want to tell me to get over my broken heart, and I will tell you that I can appreciate what I had, and there is not a day that I don't shed at least 1 tear for my loss. You want to tell me to find a job, and I'll tell you that I ferry at least 3-4 people a day from one place to another who depend on me, on top of babysit the 3 people I live with. I don't have that much god damn time. I'd work if I thought I could, but who would want to employ me on my limited schedule? I certainly haven't been at a lack for trying to find a job! At least 1 application every week, with follow-up calls every few days asking if they can put me to work. If YOU want me to do better, quit your bitching and start acting like a decent person. A call, an invite to hang out, ANYTHING that shows you enjoy my company, is enough to show me that you're not a total ******** waste of my time, because last but not least, I can't live for myself. I've tried, I find it's a dumb ******** idea and ends in me being frustrated and confused. I've chosen to find my quality of life, through the quality of those around me. My friends have and always will be important to me. Your smiles and caring are what inspire me to do better. Not your ******** ranting and raving and illogical, undereducated arguments.
If it hasn't become overly apparent by this point, I've developed a bit of what I'm refering to as a "berserker complex". Over the months upon months that people have been hurting me and driving me further into oblivion, I've been very nice to try and keep my mouth shut and not complain. I've had to bottle every last ounce of frustration and heartache because I don't want to hurt those of you, whom I actually care for and call friend. Thusly, I've hit the breaking point. That one little pinhead sized point where you've officially crossed over the edge and s**t starts getting blurry. Almost anything has the ability to trigger me and it makes me nervous. I worry about myself in public, as I would hate to say or do something that would hurt someone else. It's gotten to the point where it's almost uncontrollable. The right subject matter could send me on a whirlwind rampage just tearing through people like hot knife through butter. Without discretion and care for anything but myself. The worst part is that I'm going to blow up on someone at somepoint and I'm going to regret it. The funny part is going to be, that they're probably going to deserve every last ounce of it. I've been way to nice to quite a few of you to get treated as poorly as I have been. I've done more than most people probably would without getting anything in return, and people continue to abuse it. The fleas bit too hard and now you've pissed the dog off. By quite a large margin, the life expectancy of said fleas has been quite dramatically decreased. While I don't intend to do physical harm to anyone, it shouldn't be a surprise if you piss me off and I decide it's a good idea to mentally and emotionally eviscerate you.
Honestly, in the end of all this, people are really only what you make them. We cannot always choose to make ourselves, but instead are shaped by the actions of others. The behavior you want to see in someone, should be reflected by the behavior you take towards that person. If you want improvement, you should feel free to lend a helping hand. If you like being completely destroyed, then hurt those around you indescriminately and bleed them for every drop.
For the people who never call, it isn't as though I haven't tried to contact you.
For the people who never return the favor, how much do I have to do to get a return?
For the people who I have given my love to, why do you leave my heart unmended?
Lastly, for those of you who do nothing, be it for me or for another friend who could stand to have a brighter day, happiness only comes in small doses. Be it a cigarette, a cookie, or a 5 second orgasm. Happiness doesn't come around that often, and not for long necessarily. So you smoke the butt, eat the cookie, and get off, and get moving with the rest of your life. You'll only get so many moments of happiness, why not spread them to those who could honestly use them?
 Empyrial Entity · Mon Feb 19, 2007 @ 11:58am · 0 Comments |
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