Well I thought that we could sit around and talk for hours. About things I couldn't say to you. And things that we could never do. This conversation has had not face when the words take days. You can re-write and erase anything.
You know my heart (so tell me honestly did you ever really want this?). Knows all these parts.
As I borrow words from all my favorite paragraphs. To write A ballad while we say the things. You hope would mean the most to me and each letter sent I have found in the pages. The hope for the days when I feel like I've lost everything.
You know my heart (so tell me honestly did you ever really want this). Knows all these parts (and my jealous heart can't take this). And I'll sing this song for every word that's come out wrong.
But "I'll be ok." Is that what you want me to say? It's called breakup because it's broken.
Alright. So I have been thinking recently. I was all upset about Mike. And you know, I have no idea why, but I am completely over it. That's right. Over it. But that's not the point of this journal entry. Well, it is a little bit. But the main point is because I have realized something very important. I am much to dependant on guys. And that's such a bad thing.
So I am going to change that. I am going to make myself so that if someone wants to break my heart, it isn't going to work. Basically, the walls are going back up. It seemed to work out so well for me before. You know, not letting people get to close, just close enough to feel important.
This past week, Kyle came on. He woke me up at 3 in the morning, told me how I did so much for him by being there and how he didn't know where he would be without me, and then we talked some, he stayed up until I woke up. Then i talked to him after school, and he seemed like he didn't wanna talk to me. Now, granted, I've been just fine without him. Doesn't mean I don't miss him terribly. Doesn't mean I don't love him anymore. However, I am kind of sick of holding onto a memory of something that used to be, and not knowing how he feels about everything. But I am scared to ask him anything because well, he has a new life now. One that he doesn't have time, nor resources to fit me into. And I don't wanna be told that he just thinks of me occasionally as that one girl who was there for him at one time. Because I wanna hear that he still needs me and still loves and cares about me. But I don't think that's what i am going to hear.
So I've decided I am done. I'm not going to care anymore. I don't need anyone. If I don't let anyone close enough, I'm not going to get hurt. As cliche as that sounds, it's so true. I've never gone looking for someone to love. In fact, Kyle just kind of dropped in. Mike...well, that was an on off blessing. It just seems like everytime love falls in, I get hurt.
It's actually come to the poiont where resent love.
Most girls want some fairytale romance. I just wanna make it in life.
Fin.
[I got lazy in the end, can't you tell?]
x__bri t h e o r y · Mon Feb 26, 2007 @ 02:33am · 1 Comments |