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So, there's this girl, right? I won't bore you with the details, but plain and simple, I like her, y'know? Well, she has this friend, who has the dumbest name ever, Telina.(Don't know if I'm spelling it right, don't care.) Well, Telina knows I like this girl. She never really bothered me about it before, but I knew she took pleasure in seeing me in despair at the fact that we both knew my feelings would never be returned. However, she comes to me everyday to touch and feel on my hair, cuz she's a weirdo freak who needs to be set on fire, of course. Anyway, like every other girl, she just uses me to get candy, gum, favors, etc. Well, yesterday, she was the straw that broke the camel's back. Why?

Well, recently, I had been contemplating suicide because my life, my mind, my peace, everything about me was becoming twisted and falling apart. Reason being was because I felt stupid and hated myself for investing so much time, energy, and emotion into a girl who never will return it. I just couldn't take anymore. I started to not be able to trust anyone because the whole naive notion that good things happen to good people had been shattered because the bad person was getting all the good things. Anyway, I was already thouroughly depressed that morning, so I really didn't need what was coming. The girl had shown up earlier than usual this morning and sat with me. Then, here comes Telina. She did her typical rub my hair like a creepy *****, then, with that wicked smirk that we both knew meant she was purposely about to do something to make me jealous creeped across her face. So, she monopolized the girl. I sat there trying to look like I didn't care. Unfortunately, everyone knows that I did. Eventually, they cuddled with one another, and like an idiot, I couldn't help but look and wish I was Telina at that moment, and that's when she glared at me with an almighty grin of victory spread across that smug mug of hers...At that moment, every fiber of my being wanted to kill her with my...different level of strength...but I didn't. Not getting the fierce reaction she wanted, Telina said "You're just jealous because she loves me and tortures you."
That did it. That tore a hole in me that I know will never heal. Its because I knew it was true. I was jealous. I wanted the girl to love me. I wanted to be important to her like the people that manipulate her are. The rage turned to outright fury mixed with shame and self-hatred. Of course, as usual, I did nothing but get up and say, "Don't you bother me enough, Telina?" like the coward I am, and just walked away. During first period, I fought myself so I wouldn't cry. The pain was unbearable. They say that the truth hurts, but that day, it hurt worse than anything I could've thought to do to rend Telina asunder. Not all the rage in the world was sufficient to deal out so horrendous a blow that she dealt me. I wanted to die. I want to die right now. I've wanted to die everyday for the past month, but that made me want to die more than ever. I was going to just take the sharpest thing in my backpack and jab it through my neck, but I'm too afraid that there's a Hell on the other side for people who commit suicide. So, to make matters worse, I end up losing it in art class. I tried to mask my sorrow and pain with anger, and it only caused conflict. They called the principal on me, and as they were taking me to the office, I mentioned how I had attempted to kill myself earlier that day, so they took me to the counselor instead. When I got there, I fell apart, cried my eyes out, and told the counselor everything. How I went to summer school so the girl would think I was smart, How I tried so hard to fill the void that I thought was there when her boyfriend just disappeared this summer, how confused and twisted the strange friendship made me, how the pain of rejection from someone who you care so much about had twisted and warped my mind, how painful it is everyday seeing her with someone else who abuses her emotionally, yet still loves and chooses over me, who would die for her. Everything.

When I left the counselor's office, she had given me advice. I'm gonna do my best to follow it, even if it means that I have to hurt some more for a while. I just want to not have to feel empty and alone. I don't wanna feel like I'm her and Telina's plaything or laughing stock. I just wish the good guys could win in life. Oh well. Anyway, I decided not to go to school today to decide whether or not to kill myself again. I decided not to. Dying is easy. Living is hard. Its the hard things that make us stronger. If this situation is so hard, I can't wait to see how strong I become when and if I come out on the other side. In the meantime, I'll try not to reach the breaking point again, or next time, I will not be able to save the people around me from myself. Fortunately, the counselor's office drained me physically and somewhat emotionally, so it'll be a while before I snap again. I'm just gonna try to live and not let Telina or anyone else get to me again. No matter how harsh it is, I have to come to terms with the truth somehow. Wish me luck everyone.