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For all who read this, I am a friend of Nena who is posting these on her behalf as she is in South Africa.


8:06 AM Friday 7th April 2007
Take off.
The tiny paths that are cut into what is underneath me…I say goodbye
to Minnesota with tears shed in silence. I tried to maintain my
composure because the person next to me is the enemy. The fogged
atmosphere is in view while there are shining lakes and straight cut
roads. I don't have a place to turn that I like to look at except for
out the window. It's been many years since I've been on a metal bird.
There is a difference this time, its almost as if this bird is
carrying me to hell. This is a place that is unknown to me, but it
seems so familiar. I can see over the horizon of the earth I remember
this feeling as I buckle my belt and take a deep breath. I feel this
is all a dream, I woke up this morning not prepared for what lay ahead
of me. This is a burden because I don't feel any excitement or
happiness. I'm feeling nostalgic and I find myself wishing I was at
home sleeping in. The sun is blinding and my sunglasses are pushing
against my cheeks. I feel turbulence not only here but in my heart,
I'm aching and moaning on the inside…knowing that I'd give anything to
see everyone and to kiss and hug them goodbye. If I could write a
million letters I would address every one of them, "To the world" You
are my world, you are the only reason I exist because you'll remember
me, and I won't ever forget you.

The clouds are so far up from the ground from where I stood they seem
just as distant from below as I'm over them. I am 40,000 feet above
the ground and flying above Kansas city. I am slowly moving towards
insanity. I can see a long winding path, or maybe it's a river? It's a
snake in the wilderness of modern times and pollution. Ahh, I see it
clearer now, it's muddled and brown like the color of my eyes.
Nothing, none of this seems real. The last person I saw was Jake, I
said goodbye mournfully and my dad interrupted by walking up to the
door with money and just standing there…WTF?! Who does that? I suppose
I should have expected it, but I guess I thought he wouldn't be so
inconsiderate…The land is cut into blocks by road lines underneath me.
I can't be cut into blocks because I'm delicate with layers and layers
that no one has seen, if I put up those walls, who do I have that
would break them down? "I've been waiting since birth to find love
that would sound just like a movie." In these few words I can sum up
my life. My hands are cold and I'm burning up from the sun. I woke up
and I started a new chapter in life.

11:54 PM April 7th 2007
Night…
I get sick of people asking continuously if I'm excited to go. If they
knew that I almost wish I didn't exist so I wouldn't have to go.
Tonight was alright, I was hanging out with cousins…cousins who didn't
care or mind my reasons for wanting to leave. I just want to, more
than anything see the one I love. I feel like there is a gap in the
part of my heart that that person was in. The house that I'm staying
in is huge and has a warm feeling…but I can't shake the feeling of
loneliness that is taking over me. In two minutes it will be a new
day. It's hard to believe that I won't be seeing anyone for 6 whole
months. I feel deep remorse for all the things that I've said and done
that were wrong…or even the words that I SHOULD have said, but never
said. Should I say that I'm wrong to believe that hope is real and
that…my friends will come through?


9:35 AM April 8th 2007
Awakening

I woke up this morning and I felt a longing to see you. I wanted to
see anyone but my dad…If anyone can understand that? I can't seem to
get onto the internet anywhere around here. I might have to resort
going to a Starbucks to use their wireless connection. I'm warm and it
smells like fungus, I'm tired but I don't feel like sleeping. I was
with my cousins at their friends house last night, I had
oysters…yeah…not kosher but my dad doesn't know. The food was good and
I kicked a** at Tekken…although I know that if anything I was BUTTON
MASHING. It was fun, but I felt a little sad at the same time. I saw a
koi that was almost as big as the black koi at Jake's work, I wish he
had been there to see it. I was staring at it for half the night, the
fish in it's tiny tank. I don't really feel like sitting here and
writing this, but since there is nothing else I can do at this point,
I might as well. The light from this screen is hurting my eyes, so
I'll retreat for now.


9:45 AM March 9th 2007

I don't know what it is about Texas that knocks me out, I've been
falling asleep within minutes of laying down. I've been feeling
nostalgic again, I guess it's typical…or maybe the more correct word
would be homesick. I went out and bought A LOT of candy last night.
Mostly they were things that reminded me of home and the good
times…I'm probably going to build up a lot of fat while I'm here and
have to work it off in Africa. I'm not happy here, I'm not happy
anywhere unless it's home. I left my heart there…and it's where it'll
stay. I don't know what I'm doing here or what I'm supposed to say
when they call me "white-washed" they tell me that they don't mean
anything by it…but there is meaning behind those words. What exactly
do they expect of me? They expect a studious, obedient, and money
grubbing young lady. My aunts tell me that I shouldn't have a
boyfriend for the rest of my schooling because it will "distract me"
from my studies. That's not true in the least, I don't have trouble
concentrating on what I'm doing because of boys. Who do they think
that I am? Well…I'm guessing that nobody knows who I really am, I
don't know if I even know myself. One thing I know is that…there is
more to life than finishing school, getting a masters degree, finding
a wealthy husband, and mothering children. I know there is more to
life than that…but they don't seem to see things any other way. Even
if by some miracle there would be a way that my dad would let me stay
in Houston to go to school I'd return home as soon as possible. It
would probably make my relatives believe that I don't care about my
future, or about finding someone nice to settle down with. The fact is
that I do care about those things, but not to the extreme of becoming
someone that they want me to be. I know they have my best interest at
heart…but I don't want to become a nurse. I know in my heart that
there is something more, I'm always looking for it…whatever may be out
there could help make me complete.

Apparently Texans are obsessed with dental hygiene, The strip malls
flow endlessly here, and almost every one of them has a dentists
office in it…my favorite one so far is the office called "Monarch
Dental" ha, butterflies don't have teeth…silly Texans.


April 24th 2007 Tuesday
It's 4:56 AM in America, I'm stuck in Germany with my idiotic moron of a father.

For the record I didn't actually swear at him, I said "freaking
pissing me off" Whatever, he got all offended and walked away…more
like ran away. I can act as bitchy as I want to him…because well, I
have reeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaally good reasons to. I'm glad he noticed
that I treat him how he is…a selfish idiot with very little regard for
other peoples lives. On the 10 hour plane ride here he told me to sign
my passport on the line that says "If not signed this is not valid" I
was looking for my passport for nearly a half hour. I hadn't noticed
that he took it from me because I was wailing like a baby on the walk
towards the plane. The flight attendants even asked me if I was okay
to fly, I could have said no but I knew that my dad would object and
cause a scene. I don't care if he's disappointed that I'm a bad
daughter or that I disrespect him because I don't see any reason TO
respect him, the principal of the matter is that he's done something
to me that's unforgivable. Maybe it's time to do the same? I was a
wreck for the first 3 hours of the trip, my tears ran all the way down
my shirt to my stomach. It wasn't a proud moment, nor was it a happy
one. While I was looking for my passport I had remembered my dad
coming in and asking where I was while the flight attendant was trying
to calm me down…then it dawned on me…he probably took it from me while
I was in a state of pathetic misery. I was so caught up with sobbing
my eyes out that I hadn't realized that my dad had my passport. He
later said to me as he was trying to get me to sign it, "You would
have lost it." I snapped and said, "So? I would rather be stuck in
Germany all alone than go with you." It's not only that he thinks that
I'm irresponsible or that he treats me like I'm to weak to hold any
responsibilities at all…it's more that he's selfish,. He says he cares
about the family…that he wants us to be "safe" If he wants to be safe
from ME he'd better send me home as soon as possible. I wanted to kill
myself more than ever in the course of 10 hours than ever before in my
life. Also, we're only stuck in Frankfurt Intl Airport because my dad
is a moron. Sometimes I wish I didn't resemble him at all. I can't do
anything about it though. I'm hungry and thirsty, but since he's
started a war, I can't even think about talking to him. I'm sick of
waiting around hungry and angry.

April 27th 2007 11:30 PM [African time]

The first day in Africa was tolerable…it was the night that got me. I
started to think about Jake, I still think about him every second of
my miserable existence here. Then I thought about my friends…and of
the terrible cold humidity at the place we were staying for the night.
It was essentially a straw roofed house that leaked and it was very
unpleasing to my senses. I cried and cried silently with everything I
had. I had already decided on the first night that I had to get out of
here. I have to brew up a plan somehow. Let's face it, I'm a modern
convenience kind of gal…I like clean toilets and clean showers with
clean water, I like clean floors and controlled temperature. I wrote a
letter to Jake on the first night that I was here. I'm not usually one
to complain…but my dad lied about everything…EVERYTHING. I found out
yesterday the 26th that there are no schools in the area that I'm in
that teach in English. When I was sitting at a strangers dinner table
hearing about this…I started to tear up. I found out that the "land"
that we're supposed to live on has nothing, NOTHING on it. My dad told
people in Texas that there was a ******** resort, a resort? NO, NO, NO.
He told people that we had a "caravan" ready for us to be live in. I
was thinking that it was an RV of some sort…but no, it's a ********
trailer. It doesn't have a toilet. [pause] I WANT OUT.
Please…someone…anyone…SAVE ME. I've been crying myself to sleep for
the nights that I've been here. It was a 12 hour drive from
Johannesburg Intl. Airport to Poffadder the small town that I'm
trapped in. I miss home so very much, I miss warm beds and being
happy. I'm a rotten egg in this "collective" of people. Today I tried
to confront my dad about him lying about almost everything, here it
goes…"Dad, you lied to me." Dad says…"Yeah?" The sad thing was that he
didn't even know what the hell he had lied to me about specifically. I
said…"I have to leave. You told everyone that schools were the same
here!" of course he was being stupid, "Then how come everyone can
speak English?" my jaw dropped…I was completely speechless, how are we
even related? A person who has lived here their whole lives had told
me that every school (especially in Namibia) in this area of southern
Africa teaches all lessons in Afrikaans. I wanted to run back to our
"new house" and pound on the door then punch my dad's face in. Yeah, I
know…violent, but mostly I wanted to scream at him and cry. Lisa was
being really nice and I feel that we've become a little closer as a
family, she came to the room that I was staying in for the night and
we talked for hours about how nothing was how my dad said it would be.
I'm trapped and I have to be a different person every second that I'm
not alone. I've never felt so isolated and helpless in my whole life,
forgive me…it really hasn't been that long, I suppose.

When I tried to confront my father today he busted out the idea that
I've "ruined" myself, that there is no way that he'd let me go back to
stay with my aunt. It's because she's always talking about how perfect
her daughters were while they were growing up. They worked hard in
school, they didn't have boyfriends until after they graduated from
high school, they both got really wonderful paying jobs, they both
married wealthy well-to-do men. He said to me…"My sister wouldn't like
it if you talk on the phone to boys." WTF? I think that the fact is
that HE doesn't want me to talk to MY (SINGULAR) boy. I never let boys
distract me from schoolwork, but yet he still has the impression that
I'm boy crazy and that I'm a whore. I was speechless once again and
all I could do was run out of the tiny dingy room yelling, then
screaming, "I HATE YOU!!" I wanted to run…just run ANYWHERE. Of course
being me, I am completely directionally challenged , I was wearing
flip flops and had absolutely NO money in my pockets nor did I have
any way at all to get to a bank. I am also clueless on how to do
anything on my own. If anything, I want to be my own hero…I want to
learn how to do things under pressure. I don't think I'm strong enough
for that yet…I will try my very best, but I know for a fact that I
still need heroes to pull through for me. If I want to rely on anyone,
I would rely on my closest friends, and on the love that brought me to
him. I can only thank you for caring so much about me, it really HAS
helped me pull-through…it's helped me find a reason for staying alive.
I strive to be happy again, I want to take my time and relish the
feeling once it comes again.

The only advantage to being in Africa is the beautiful landscape. The
stars are plentiful and it's almost as if you can hear a star's song
echoing in the midnight sky. It's opaque and beautiful, just like the
night that we slept under the stars near the town of Lanesborough. I
wanted to reach up and touch the beautiful flow. This was yesterday.
As we drove towards the tiny town the sun was setting and saying it's
farewell with a pretty painted picture, with hues of orange, pink,
purple, and yellow. It just seemed too beautiful for me to describe a
mental picture. I guess I feel lucky that I'm not going to spending
the summer [in Africa] There are a lot mosquitoes and bugs during that
time. It's kind of funny, I just spent most of my last few months
getting rid of the winter chills and it's actually quite cool weather
here. I think that from the short time that I'll be here the weather
will be somewhat pleasant. I was thinking about trying to take that
plane back to Texas on the 19th and then arrive there on the 21st. The
problem is finding how to get to Johannesburg Intl. Airport…the ticket
is already bought, it's required of every person who enters the
country to return to their home country after 2 months unless they
happen to obtain a visa of some sort. Right now, I'm hoping that it
won't be possible for me to get a student visa, UNLESS my dad would
let me to go to school in Cape town. It's 8 hours away from wherever
in the hell I am now…that means that I'd be closer AND I'd get to go
to an English speaking school. There is a woman who is staying with us
this weekend who said she will be moving out here to this…nowhere in a
matter of months, but is willing to take me back to her home with her.
Haha, sounds really weird…but at this point I'm desperate enough to
live with a stranger. I really wouldn't mind as long as I get to be
around in a couple of months. I don't really know how to use an
E-ticket thing though…^^;; My brother said something about needing a
certain code type thing…I'm guessing there is a confirmation e-mail
that the person who bought the tickets needs to print out…but I don't
know how it's possible for me to obtain. I just want to go home. I
will someday, soon…I can just feel it. I'll be with the people who
love me without certain restrictions from a certain person. I won't go
wild…but I'm not going to sit there idly. I still need to go to school
and to make something of myself…the future, it's a strange concept to
me at the moment because to me, just a few hours ago it felt as if
there was absolutely no future for me at all.

April 28th 2007 11:36 PM Saturday [African time]

Last night we had a Sabbath "meeting" it made me cry but it also gave
me hope. I am to move to Capetown for the rest of the school year,
that is…the rest of the African school year. This is good, I mean not
just good, it's GREAT! I know for sure that I'll be 18 by the time the
school year ends, it will be towards the beginning of the school year
in America. I'll be able to graduate! At least…I think I'll be able
to. I really don't know how credits transfer from continent to
continent, I really hope that I'll have enough credit and the required
classes completed to graduate. If all of this takes place in good time
then I won't have to worry too much about going home…I know it won't
be easy to get away from my newly "adopted" mother and sisters, but in
truth…it's what I want to do. I'll be 18 and still a foreigner, I'm
sure that my student visa would expire by then…that is, if I get one.
I don't know what to expect, except a city that is industrialized and
nicer than where I'm at currently. I told my dad that Jake still
planned to visit, my dad says, "That's fine as long as he visits over
HERE in Pofadder and not over there in Capetown." I said, "Sure,
okay." Well, as I've learned how to be a little smart alec, what
if…and only if Jake decided not to visit at all? Meaning…he just
stopped by for a couple of hours to pick me up? Or if…he decided to
meet me halfway? My dad never said anything about that. =) I'm pretty
devious aren't I? I don't know how it will work out just yet. I hope
that this will turn out as advantageous to my flight from the
"motherland." A lot of this time, I felt as if my life has added up to
nothing important, but in truth I also felt that if you want something
to happen or you want to cause a ripple you have to jump right in and
take hold of it and always do your best to make what you want to
happen…happen. I miss everyone more than the old life I lived, most of
all I miss the one I love. I haven't gotten to go on the internet in
forever. Well I suppose it feels that way. This has been the longest 4
days of my life. One of the oddest and truly interesting developments
in my life. Despite my plans for marriage at the age of 17,
ha…riiiight. I need to know and hope that everything will be
alright…near the end…but it will always be just the beginning.
Tomorrow we are going to visit the "land" in the wilderness 45
minutes away. I finally get to go four-wheeling, and I get to visit my
dad's "new home" or should I say, "the promised place of refuge"
Heh…yeah, I'm a jerk to my dad…because I don't respect is decisions. I
have to go…I have to be awake at 8:30.

April 29th 2007 11:52 PM [African time]

Well as it turns out, I'm moving to Capetown and I'll get internet
access and an expensive education. High school costs big bucks here in
SA. It's been a long and excruciating week. I finally get to go to the
city. I'm glad. I feel really awful that the family that I'm staying
with offered to pay all of my tuition for high school. I also feel
terrible that I have to wake up at 5 o'clock each day for "family
quiet time" I guess it can't be helped, this is my only option to stay
in the city AWAY from my dad until it's time for me to move out and on
into my own life. I miss Jake, more than anything…I wonder sometimes
about how much he misses me…I wish that I knew how he was feeling
right now…

Today, we woke up at about 8 and it was chilly, we dressed and then
got ready to go. It took about 45 minutes to get there to "the land"
and we drove towards the direction of springbock (sp?) and we turned
off into a dirt road, we drove past a tiny micro town with a small
grocery store where we're supposed to get most of our supplies. We
drove and drove until we started onto a rocky dirt path. The path took
up most of the time it took to get there, it was a really bumpy ride.
We pulled up to a cavernous hole in the side of one of the various
mountains. The little cave was pretty cool, except for after they
mentioned living in the cave to "hide" from the "enemy." I'm not
thrilled about the reason we visited this scenic place. The view was
absolutely breathtaking. It was also my first time on a quad today as
well, it was a whole lot of fun…or I guess it would be called
"four-wheeling" in the US. I also got to climb more than halfway up a
mountain…or a rocky place, not exactly a really big mountain. Just a
rocky terrain with lots of thorn bushes. We did this the whole day
and I was really sweaty and thirsty by the end…Tomorrow is my 8 hour
trip to Capetown. It's kind of nice, I suppose. By October I'll be
sure to do my best in school before I leave. I'm thinking that somehow
I'll survive until it's time to go home. I'll cry when I see his face
and finally get to hold him close, my one and only love. I just want
to go home…someday soon. I should go to sleep now, I suppose…I love
you Jake Senn…I wish I knew or that I heard from you at some point.

April 30th 2007 1:00 AM

So, I arrived in Capetown about an hour ago…I don't know what to
think. They're going to make a copy of my passport…Ruth, the lady that
I'm staying with in Capetown is a counselor that deals with young
people a lot…she figured me out before I realized it. This really
sucks, seriously…SUCKS. She made me promise not to "run away" s**t,
I'm not going to run away…I'm going to walk away. 18 is the legal
number across the world. The main problem is that they plan on locking
up my passport. I want my dad to "hold on to it" for me. If this is
the case…how do I get myself into these situations? Someone out there
must really hate me…please stop?


May 2nd 2007 Wednesday 12:00 Noon [African time]

So, they bought a bed for me yesterday and it arrived today…okay…I'm
going to have a hard time paying all of this off. I feel a sense of
guilt because they are paying for so many things that I don't really
need, because of me walking away from all of this at some point. It
makes me anxious to think and wait for emails from Jake. I can't
believe that I haven't been able to talk to him for a whole week. It
seems like months have gone by. Or maybe it's just my mind saying,
"Hey, tomorrow is another day that is taking forever to come." This
past week has been excruciatingly long and painful, it's like every
time they try to make me say that I love "yahweh" Or "yashua" that it
kills me a little on the inside because it couldn't be more of a lie.
A very big lie. Ruth was asking me about where we go after we die, I
didn't want to answer because she wouldn't like my response. I believe
that after we die there is no heaven or hell, there is no punishment
or reward for living…I would go back into the ground from whence I
came. It doesn't matter if there is a reward or punishment, it was
either a reward or punishment that we got to live our lives. It seems
like during life we get to live all of these things, we get our happy
moments, our sad moments, our memories are either terrible to think
about or maybe they're wonderful. I think that's a good enough thought
for me to survive upon. They woke me up at 6:39 AM in the morning to
read the "scriptures." It was really bad because I was still asleep
and could hardly string together a sentence.

We were supposed to go to check out schools today…but it didn't really
happen. A terrible thing that I heard about today was that there IS a
way to become a citizen of South Africa without living here for 5
years. At least that's what Ruth says, when I first heard what she
said I started silently panicking. My stomach is still upset and my
heart can't take this…I want to go home again. I don't want to be
trapped forever, this country is sadly oppressed. Apartheid only ended
in 1994, I've heard two sides of the story a white Afrikaner and a
colored Afrikaner telling us two different points of view.

I have a cell phone, (or rather they gave me one.) but I don't know
what the rates are for international calls. I know that I live on
Leervis Street or Boulevard…or something…We live in an area called the
Strand next to Gordon's Bay, the Strand is also bordered by Somerset
West. Gordon's Bay and Somerset West have very rich white folks with
big houses and lot's of money. I consider myself lucky to be out
here…considering the fact that not to long ago, 2 days ago to be exact
I was stuck out in the country with no contact to the outside world.
At least while I'm here I don't feel like there is no way out. I just
feel like I'm being smothered by a woman who thinks that because I
haven't had a real mother my whole life that she's decided to become
my mother now. I'm 17, I don't need another mother…my dad was enough
of a parent than is necessary. I'm not saying that I feel a sense of
freedom here or that I'm any happier…I'm saying that all of this
nonsense about moving to barren land is making me sick. I'm serious! I
want to scream it out loud over the mountains and to the world. I
can't though, I'm to polite for that kind of "nonsense." What is my
life coming to? I have no way back home and no way to send or request
for help. Did you know what Ruth said to me? Well…sorry I suppose you
don't. Heh. She told me that I'm a strong person…I know I'm strong but
not for the reason that she said. She told me I was strong because I
was there with her at the moment that we were…here? The whole time I
was thinking, "No, I'm a coward because I'm going home as soon as I
can get everything has been arranged." Or rather…"Hell no, I was
forced to come…do you hear me!? FORCED!"

May 3rd 2007 Thursday 10:24 AM

So, as it happens to be…I am only here on a tourists visa. So in other
words…if I make a stand and don't sign that damned naturalization
sheet then I'll have to get a student visa. If that is what I get then
I'd be permitted to stay for 6 more months. I am caught in this
dilemma of being either sad or terribly depressed. Ruth told me that
she wants me to be real, not fake. If I were real then I'd be
screaming and demanding that I'd be allowed to go home. I've decided
for the sake of my mother that I'll remain here for another 6
excruciating months. I can't feel anything right now…I don't want to.
She asked me not to long ago if I was afraid to show emotion. It's not
that I few emotion it's just that if she saw how I truly felt then
everything would look ugly. The views of a lonely forgotten person
like me is a sad one. Am I sad? No, not sad…just feeling a sense of
loneliness and utter distress. There is a problem with this system of
mailing that I am writing in. Ruth told me that she could read my mail
if she wanted to, but she won't because she wants to respect my
privacy. This is the reason why I need an internet card. I told her
that I trust her with my life…just so that she can be at peace with
the "trust" between us. For the record, my life and the trust in my
life has very little meaning to me as of the second I set foot on
African soil. I've been deliberately lying so I can have peace and
concentrate on my goal. She keeps asking me if I'm scheming or
planning to run away. I've said it before and I'll say it again…I am
walking away from all of this as if it never happened. Another thing
that makes me want to leave is that she keeps asking me about my
dreams, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" my response would
be "To get away from you." If she reads this…well then that's that.
Read as much as you like Ruth. Read to your hearts discontent. If you
want to understand the ugliness that is rooted deep down inside of me
you've only scratched the surface. I don't want to lead your stupid
scripture classes every morning at 6. I don't want to pray for rain
when you can't predict it, but then when it happens you praise god for
all of the mighty things he does for us. I just don't care. It sounds
so selfish and wrong for me to say all of this, but this isn't the
life that I chose to lead. Ruth tells me that getting an education
would be useless on the farm unless it's something practical. Then she
tells me that it's whatever I choose to do, it's my choice…she wants
me to be happy? If I had said what I really wanted to be happy she'd
probably try to rebuke the demons inside of me or at least try to
convince me otherwise. Friends, I'm in pain…the heartache that this
causes and the happiness that I felt that I thought this would all
work out is starting to feel like false hope. I miss Minnesota…I miss
you all. I don't want to pretend like this is great or that I feel any
joy in this prison. I don't want to be fake with you. I want to be
honest like I've always been. You're my only hope to help me save me
from myself. If only…if only I was home with you baking cookies or
sleeping in late. Your lives remain unaffected by my absence but I am
all alone in this crowd silently screaming out. I feel pain piercing
through my soul every second that my body and my heart are not in the
same place. I am not whole. I want to be whole…please…help me. I'm
crying out hoping to get a signal that it's safe. "It's an ugly world,
I just wish you could see how harsh it is." Trust me Ruth, I know. You
don't need to say over and over again that I don't understand. When
you're in love and young you'd give anything…even your life to be with
the one you love. I would give everything that I have to see your
faces again…just smiling…my dad has lost a lot of money and I have
close to nothing. I have $320.00 USD, and 5 Euros, 680 RAND in my
possession right now. If anyone with a faster internet connection
could please check out what the rate would be for an airplane ticket,
one way…or two ways from Capetown International Airport. Or something
of the sort on October the 4th. Please send it to me in email:
blank.love@gmail.com. [meaning that it's most likely that Icchan or
Jake or Kayla might look into it a little.] Someone somewhere should
try to pick me up? Remember that October the 4th is my 18th birthday.
Please…someone, anyone…save me. I'm begging you.

May 4th 2007 9:06 AM [AT]

Today I'm scheduled to tour the international school and have an
interview with the teacher at 2:30. I've never had to dress "properly"
but if they make judgements on first appearances then…we're going to
have a problem. It really sucks that my dad told everyone that schools
are exactly the same here as they are in America. It's expensive, and
if you want to go to a private school it's prestige. We don't have
money for any of that. My dad was cheated for his money in the very
beginning of our voyage. He only has 15,000 Rand left now. It's not
very much in USD because the rate for exchange has gone down since I
got here. He spent it all…all of it. I wonder if I'll ever be able to
leave this place now…if I'll ever get my passport back from Ruth…and
if all of my dreams have been crushed before they got the chance to
see the light of day. I feel like a failure in this aspect I'm
mindless and trapped now. Yet, I'm as strong headed as I've ever been.
They hope to learn more about me, but no matter how kind and caring
they are it won't change…my walls are tough, tangled, and twisted. I
hate hiding who I really am, or at least what my true intentions are…I
am kind like they see it, I am quiet like they see, but I am godless.
I stopped believing long ago. It doesn't really matter if she can read
this…which I figure she can't, I don't use the same computer as she
does…in fact I don't even use the same kind of email server she does.
I don't see how it's possible. I figure that she doesn't really like
that all that much so she's trying to figure a way that I'll use the
same kind of email. Grr I really wish I could check my email
tonight…I'm guessing that a lot of important letters from friends and
my sister should be coming through sometime tonight. I don't know what
I'm doing here, or why I feel so pathetically trapped. In six months
time I suppose I can say that I'll walk away in my Texan-bought
Italian heels with a new experience and very little regret for
leaving. I wish I turned 18 sooner, or at least that I could have
finished the school year. His reasoning was completely selfish…he
called last night, but I was already asleep…Ruth told him that I care
for him a lot and that I'm worried about the way he lost and spent his
money. It's not necessarily that I don't care about his well being
it's more that…I can't believe he was so stupid as to trust the man
who is only giving him 29,000 R out of the 100,000 R that my dad had
trusted him with. Etienne Venter, this is the man that spent our money
on things for his family. He's a white Afrikaner who is in debt…I'm
not going to write about how terrible it was for him to take our
money…but I suppose it's too late. I already have. Sometimes I feel
that I'm being overwhelmed with a burden that I shouldn't carry…Or
maybe it's come to be that I deserve to carry this load that is piling
up to crush me. If I've sinned, and by all means there is no "if" I've
disobeyed my father and mother, I lie, and I just want to live my own
life. For some reason they seem to think that I want to live with them
in tin houses to be safe from the judgement when it comes. I'm not
desperate to live a life of luxury or to have a big house with fancy
cars. The way I figure is that…we'll all die eventually, and that's
just fine with me…I will return to the earth from which my mother and
father toiled. I don't fear death nor do I welcome it. The fact is
that I don't want live the rest of my life expecting for the end of
the world to come. When it's time for my time to end the hands of my
clock will stop and my ashes will be spread in a valley somewhere. I
remember when I asked my dad once if he was afraid of death, he said
no because yaweh will protect me. Why must we hide if we are
protected? Why must I live a forced path of life? I ask myself this
everyday.

I love you, did you know that? I really do.

May 6th 2007 Sunday 4:41 PM [AT]

So, I've figured out my dad's true plan for sending me here to Cape
Town the purpose was to "convert" me to a "path of set-apartness." I
don't like it, I don't like it at all. I don't love my father nor do I
hate him…there are times where I wish I could just slap some sense
into him though . Danny, Lisa, Timmy, Mom and Dad are supposed to
visit on Tuesday. How am I supposed to treat my dad? He seems to think
that I'm not a happy person. At heart I am a very happy person
wherever I go. It's just that it's mostly in his presence that I lose
it and want to scream. He causes me frustration beyond all
imagination, he says I'm "ruined," I'm a whore of Babylon, I'm not
allowed to go back to my old life. Who wouldn't get angry if someone
like your FATHER said that to you? How am I supposed to treat a man
like my father with compassion and "good faith?" Like he's said
before, we're all human, we make mistakes. I know I couldn't choose my
father, or my family…I love my family…but I wish I could disown my
dad. The only way that I could get Ruth off my back was to tell her
that I "love" my dad. Whether she likes it or not she's manipulative.
"You don't hate your daddy, do you?" As she's looking at my face while
she's already pulled me close to her. "Do you? DO YOU?!" I just shake
my head "no." She claims that my heart is to pure and is incapable of
hatred. My heart is capable of anything, ANYTHING. This is something
that she'll never know. Unless of course, she reads this…I really hope
honestly that she doesn't get the chance or a glimpse of this. I
realize that I'm ugly, I've got a nice quaint side to me…but other
parts are ugly and dark. I really don't want to live on a farm, and be
told that further education after 12th grade is unnecessary. I don't
like the feeling that this gives me, this feeling of evaporating self.
Me, myself as a person is disappearing into thin air. My hopes and
dreams for the future are swallowed by the tongues of cattle and
sheep. There are times while they're praying that I'm just screaming
out with everything I've got…silently, like my brain being smashed
against the walls of my skull. Hoping that someone out there who is
close to me will hear the terrible shrieking.