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It's stuck in my head so bad now. It might have something to do with playing it over and over. Maybe.

I'm the Man Who Murdered Love~XTC

I'm the man who murdered love
Yeah, what do you think to that?
I'm the man who murdered love
Yeah, what do you think to that?

He was begging on his bended knee
For me to put him from his misery
He hadn't worked at all this century
Said I'd do a job for all humanity

I'm the man who murdered love
Yeah, what do you think to that?
I'm the man who murdered love
Yeah, what do you think to that?

I put a bullet in his sugar head
He thanked me kindly
then he layed down dead
Phoney roses blossomed where he bled
Then all the cheering angels shook my
hand and said

I'm the man who murdered love
Yeah, what do you think to that?
I'm the man who murdered love
Yeah, what do you think to that?

Oh it's the middle of the song
I'm guilty, I'm guilty, I'm guilty
And then I turned and said

There'll be no more pain
from broken hearts
And no more lovers to be torn apart
Before you throw me
in your dungeon dark
Your honour, they'll be putting statues up
In every park

I'm the man who murdered love
Yeah, what do you think to that?
I'm the man who murdered love
Yeah, what do you think to that?

So dear public I'm here to confess
That I'm the one who freed us from this mess
Love won't be calling at your adress
'Cause what you never had you never miss,
I guess

I'm the man who murdered love
Yeah, what do you think to that?
I'm the man who murdered love
Yeah, what do you think to that?

If you never, ever use it
You know you're gonna lose it
If you never, ever kiss it
How you ever gonna miss it?

I've come the closest to strangling AK I than have in a long time lately. Okay, not really. I could never consider that. You know, because strangling AK would only result in MY death. I'm not that stupid. I seem to be only person who thinks so lately though. This whole I still kind of like Kylie and Kylie still likes me thing has gotten out of control. It's not like we've REALLY acted on it.
Since I can feel AK's glare upon that last sentence I'll revise. It's not like we're actually together.
Since I can hear Charlie's scoff upon that last sentence, I'll revise.
It's complicated, okay?!
I know, there probably should be some kind of official thing. Kylie and I can't stay in relationship limbo forever. Every time Kylie brings it up I put it off. At first it was to make sure that there could be some kind of hope that it could even work between us. I actually think it can. Then it was to make sure that there can be any kind of trust anymore. It may be stupid, but yeah. I don't think Kylie is the kind of girl to make the same mistake twice. So now the big thing standing in the way is...well AK.
I KNOW AK SHOULDN'T BE AN ISSUE! I KNOW! BUT YOU AREN'T THE ONE WHO ALWAYS HAS TO DEAL WITH HER VOICE IN YOUR HEAD! Yes...AK's a mind ninja. This surprises anyone? Leave me alone...
That being said...Kylie would kill me for that being said. She's all "Ashley isn't your mother, Denver. You can make your decisions for yourself, Denver."
Even AK says something along the same lines. After she gets a few Kylie bashings out she normally follows up with a "...but you shouldn't let me influence you. It's your life. You can ******** it up all by yourself."
AK's opinion of Kylie is well known to the whole world at this point. I hoped against all hope that AK could lessen her extreme loathing for Ky, and she has. Or at least she got slightly less vocal about it. It's just that whenever I see AK now there's all this tension with us. She's right on the edge of an exploding rant. I DO NOT want that baby to go boom because when it does I'm going to get all defensive again and go on my own angry spew and...Well history proves that AK and I just cannot get that mad at each other. Ever. It's actually occurred to me that if we waited to make up much longer last time that AK probably would have moved to California and I wouldn't have heard about it until either Charlie or Kris was on speaking terms with me again and by that time I probably would have just figured on never seeing her again.
Yes, I realize comparing the two situations is kind of ridiculous, but the point is bad things happen when AK and I blow up at each other. I don't want to risk that for anything.
So I'm stuck with I definitely REALLY like Kylie, I think it maybe could work, I think I can trust her, but there's no way I want risk my relationship with AK especially with one "I think" too many. Okay, so Kylie obviously has a reason to be jealous of AK if 11 out of 10 times I will pick AK over her, just not in the way she's typically most jealous of.
AK would never tell me to pick though. AK says I'm not risking anything but her opinion of my already questionable intellect. Although I'm pretty sure I'm risking mine and Kylie's lives sometimes.
That's probably the closest thing to a go-ahead I will ever get from AK. Only it's really obvious that this is driving AK crazy. I keep telling her not to stress about it and just let me do what I'm going to do, but since when has AK ever been able to relax about anything? I mean, she's been dating Michael for forever and the guy does everything right and she's still paranoid the world is going to implode on her. Therefore me having what is clearly a longshot relationship with Kylie is clearly the definition of insanity with an impending hell on earth ending that will destruction of us all.
I don't know want I want from AK. Her clear permission? She will never say the words, "No, I don't have a problem with you dating Kylie, Denver. You should totally go for it." Am I waiting for her to be more okay with it? Because I think the whole AK hates Kylie but loves me so she'll bash Ky at every chance and just apologize to me later and follow up with a lecture is the closest I'll ever get.
If I don't figure out some way to be okay with AK not being okay, I should just tell Kylie as soon as hell freezes over, we should totally get together.
AK's cheering her approval in my head now. Great. You know, if I didn't already do the whole therapy gig, I would totally try to evict that damn mind ninja.

Okay. I decided. I think. I'm going to back to Ada as soon as this stupid semester is over. Which is soon. Very soon. Thank you!
As much as I love my aunt and uncle...they're driving me crazy. Really they only THINK I'm crazy. If I spend much longer around here...they'll see the TRUE definition of crazy. Yes, we can get even MORE insane than this. Sure, I get paid more down here, but I'd much rather work upstate, watch Melinda, and hang out with AK and Charlie.
I'm actually kind of mad that AK's going to California this summer. I'm going to be there and she's going to be 2000 miles away! Well...so I am going to Colorado for a week with CC. But it's HER cousin. She should be able to come with, but no. She's saving for a ticket to California NOT Colorado. Actually she SHOULD come with. It is her family after all. AND ME! Don't forget that. I mean who can fun without ME?
So now I'm counting the days until summer. I'm bored. You would think that being in the city would be way more fun than sitting around in Ada. The only "exciting" thing is easy trips to all the sports games. Who wouldn't want to live where the Reds play? Oh, and Kings Island is right next door. Only those things normally require some money.
I'm going home this summer. If Mom sends me one more picture of Melinda and the kid is any bigger, I'll skip the rest of my classes and finals.

Of course AK doesn't tell me. Why should MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WORLD inform me that the guy determined to marry her quite literally kidnapped her and held hostage in an IHOP. Nooo. I have to hear this from Charlie, who doesn't even give me those details because she doesn't even know. All she knew was that Michael left early this morning to see AK and came back home quite pleased with himself and refused to tell Charlie anything.
You know AK had been bugging me all week over little things. I was actually avoiding the computer so she couldn't distract me from reading stupid textbooks I don't want to read and having conversations with some of my most boring relatives. Okay, not really, but it was getting to that point.
But does she bother to tell bug me about something as big of this? No. I have to hear from CC. The only reason I even know about the IHOP thing is because I was hoping she had at least left something in her Gaia journal about this like she normally would. Lucky for I did, otherwise I would be calling her and demanding answers whether she's awake or not.
I still don't really have answers...Neither Charlie or I know if AK and Michael are dating again. AK didn't give a clear answer on that in her journal...and Michael isn't telling CC anything like I said. How am I supposed to know if it's okay to steal AK away to Vegas and get married like we planned if I don't know if Michael already tricked my poor AK into dating him?
She'll be online tomorrow. I'll ask then. I can be patient...with great effort.
Anyway, I hate Cinci and I already want to go home. I miss my Melinda and I miss my AK. A lot. Not to mention my aunt was discussing the pros of ritalin to me the other day... rolleyes I told AK about how miserable I was and she told me to come home. Right. I'm making better money and have more time without a hyperactive toddler to look after. It isn't very practical to go home and AK's usually the practical one.
Well she's been all depressed since Amanda left her last week. If she can't have Amanda she has to have me and if she can't me she has to Amanda and if she doesn't have either she's just unhappy. She's said this several times in the past week while she's been bugging me. Maybe if she has Michael she'll be happy. Not that I'm fond of that idea.
As for Melinda, it's obvious I'm going to have to go home for a weekend soon. The kid isn't very happy with me right now. I wouldn't be happy with me either leaving her alone with our crazy parents and CC as emergency babysitter. When AK drives she might start to take over some of the babysitting though. That would be good. AK will give her lots of sugar so the kid bounces till she drops. Isn't there some national holiday coming up soon with a three-day weekend? I should go then...
Anyway, that's about it for me and I'm going to bed now.

Wow. It's been a while since I wrote in this thing. I guess I only write here if I'm bored or if there's a special occassion. Well, I guess you can call today a special occassion. Why? Because I just kissed Ashley Kay. xd Yeps, you read that right. Okay. Obviously there is a story behind this.
Today AK and I were going to Kris's. It started snowing on the way there. AK, who was too busy staring at nothing and singing absently to radio missed it at first. rolleyes Figures. It takes her awhile...like there's actually white on the ground before she freaks out. I mean, really, really freaks out. Squealing and cheering and jumping so suddenly that if I wasn't waiting for it, I probably would have driven off the road. Melinda thought it was pretty amusing. She would.
But of course that has nothing to the first paragraph. No, AK just loves her snow. A lot. So much that she finally stopped being so out-there, which she has been ever since she came to my house a few days ago with presents.
Anyway, AK's happy! Yes, the world is a semi-safer place when AK is happy. At least for me...We get to Kris's the first thing AK does is shout IT'S SNOWING! at the top of her lungs, so much that poor Kaylee jumps out of her skin. Then AK and Melinda start marching around squealing about snow...and trailing snow across the house. sweatdrop They didn't get far. Chris went a little mental on AK. Okay, more than a little.
So it's snowing, AK's happy, Melinda's goofy, and Chris is glaring. Still this has nothing to do with kissing AK.
Only there was a plot. An evil, evil, very not-thought-out plot. ninja
Before we got there...while Kris was busy baking with his niece in the kitchen earlier that day...Rob booby trapped the house. The trap that was set for a laugh at AK's and Kris's expense was a simple placement of mistletoe in various well-hidden places about the house. Ah-ha! Now we're getting somewhere. Rob was doing AK the favor of skipping the chase.
Well, while AK and I managed to side-step the obvious traps at the front door, we missed the one carefully placed on a wall-lamp. While Rob got me instead of Kris, this didn't bother him. In fact, I think he liked this idea better. He told AK in a very serious it's-the-rules-of-the-house tone that she HAD to kiss me. If she didn't and broke not only Christmas tradition but the house rules, she wouldn't get any fudge. Well AK wasn't going to live without her fudge. She rolled her eyes and pecked me on the lips in the usual friendly way she does. Rob said Nooo. That was nothing! She had to put more effort into it than that. AK growled and glared but her uncle wasn't letting her off the hook. And AK loves her uncle, and her uncle's fudge, so much that she couldn't say the many nasty words I was sure were going through her head.
I was of course insulted, but AK doesn't care about my feelings.
So AK sighed, stood on her tippy-toes ( xd short people) and gave me a slightly longer slightly more "romantic" kiss, though I could tell she was about ready to burst out laughing while in the act. Only since it lasted just that little bit longer...Rob could slip Kris the camera he'd been hiding to take the picture before AK demanded her "real" reward. (Girls and their chocolate rolleyes )
AK had pure concentrated murder in her eyes at being caught on film kissing someone she normally wouldn't for the second time in her life and tore after Kris like a bat out hell. It was great! xd There was screaming, yelling, stomping, laughing, nail-clawing, wrestling, and words Melinda, Kaylee, and Joshua probably shouldn't have heard. Kris eventually got away from her long enough to lock the camera in a safe-box. He claimed to have eaten the key so AK started to try to pick the lock or pry it open. lol When that didn't work there a lot more words Melinda, Kaylee, and Joshua really shouldn't have heard before AK chased Kris outside in the snow without coats. The both of them got scolded by Chris.
lol I love Kris's house. Kissing AK was more fun than I expected too. I should do it more often with that kind of reaction. Not the usual reaction I get after kissing a girl, but fun all the same.
We did get our fudge. And the roads were plenty clear by the time AK got fed up with family teasing. lol All in all it was good day.

AK broke things off with Michael. I for one, am stunned. Yet not so stunned. I think Charlie's actually taking worse than Michael at the moment. I don't even think Michael's taking it that bad really. I suppose that's in the interest of him and AK staying friends though. That was the one major condition AK had when he first asked her out and they seem to want to stick to that condition. I'm just still kind of shocked about it. It huge. For a while it seemed like AK was going to keep letting things get serious with her and Michael. Now they're on friendly terms.
I didn't even think AK was even considering her personal life. She's been so wrapped up in this story that's apparently taken over her life right now. She didn't even want to come out here this weekend because she was having fun playing with plot. Or maybe she just was trying to avoid Michael for a bit. I don't know. What I do know is that I want to read this story she's so obsessed with already. AK, though she's always got a notebook handy to write when she's bored...has never put in so many hours at once. I'm curious, and she's too busy or just doesn't want me to ready. She claims it's the too busy.
Right now she's at home in her own little world instead of seeing me, which is irritating to no end. She didn't talk about Michael when I drove her home the other day. She won't let me read this mystery work. She's trying to get on my nerves here. Sooner or later she has to come out of her little cave...

A lot's happened. For one, AK and CC graduated. I'm going to Dayton at ITT Tech. AK's going to the branch, OSU Lima. CC's going to Findlay. Michael's in the air and CC's having way to much fun poking him about it. While I was doing my thing for school I came across this institute of photography and technology in Dayton. I ran in by AK once and while Findlay is the better school, she pointed it out Michael and he's thinking. So we might all be going to different schools in different cities soon, but we're all still close together. There was a while when I thought AK was going to hightail it over to Cali when she didn't get ONU but now she's twice as determined now that the school has ticked her off good.
I also turned 19 the other day. Is it me, or does that just seem old? Angie's still off in Ireland and having the time of her life living with our grandparents. She says she's fallen in love with three differents guys in the past few months, which means she's in paradise. If it weren't for Melinda and AK I'd probably fly off and join her.
As for my dating...between work, AK, Melinda, and now school, What is this dating ritual you speak of? Actually there have been a few first dates, but nothing more than that. Michael and Charlie are convinced AK's out to scare away every girl caught looking twice at me. I told Mom that. She's still waiting for AK to come to her senses and realize she and Michael aren't meant to be. Mom wanted to know why I hadn't scared away Michael yet.
Well sorry Mom but I think Michael is a heck of a lot more stubborn than me and possibly even more than AK. The guy is going to marry her and there's nothing me, my mother, and possibly even AK can do about it. I love seeing AK finally outmatched. Some days I like Michael others I down right hate his guts, but I gotta give the guy credit.
Anyway, I think my biggest issue right now is school and work. I can't stand the idea of leaving Melinda so long. You know how mother's take a certain amount of time before they can leave they're babies because they're all worried and frantic when they do? I think I'm going through that stage. Mom's laughing at me for it. I probably spend more time with Melinda than she does since she started working again. With all three of us Mom and I are the most bendable on hours so there's usually one of us home with Melinda, and if not we get CC to watch her. But I'm home the most. With school I'm going to be dead by the time I get home most days. It's not fair. Melinda doesn't like it when I'm dead. She gets down right fussy sitting on my stomach trying to get me to move and play with her. AK says I spoiled her. Is it my fault the kid is so darn cute and knows it and uses it to take advantage of me every chance she gets?
At least I don't sneak the kid sugar every chance I get like some people, AK...Most days.

I go over to Kris's today to find him and AK eating half melted cookie dough ice cream straight from the carton and dancing/jumping on the couches to "Bouncing Off The Walls" by Sugarcult on full blast. AK squealed in a very scary way, jumped off the couch and purposely glomped/attacked/kissed me on the cheek with a sticky ice cream covered mouth and giggling hysterically all at once. eek O-Kay. xd Sorry. I've apparently stepped into alternate reality...I'll just walk out the door and try again for my world. *leaves and opens door again* Nope. Still dancing/jumping/laughing hysterically on the couches. rofl So, what the heck, I joined them. "Why are we doing this?" I shouted over the music. Kris laughed, obviously reaching a new personal record for highest sugar high, and pointed his finger accusing at his cousin. "Don't ask me, this was all HER idea!" he said way too overdramatically. I look to AK for an explanation. She beaming and having a hard time breathing from all the jumping. "What? Aunt Chris isn't here. PARTY!!!!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.
Maybe they're drunk, I thought. This was definitely not typical behavior for them, no matter how much sugar they've had. Nope. They're breath and balance seemed fine to me, well, as much AK's balance gets that is. Plus, Rob doesn't have anything to drink in his house. No. They're just REALLY ALARMING HYPER HAPPY. eek Scary. Really scary.
*shrug* Like I said, what the heck. We found Rob's stash of candy and wiped it out, kept the music at ear-splitting levels, played old N64 games even louder, Kris started rollerblading in the house down the stair's and the tile floor, and at some point AK and I were swing-dancing on the kitchen table while Kris was pretending to be a rockstar on his guitar until AK fell off the table. Yeah, AK's balance is NEVER good. She also slipped on the stairs running. Both times she went into uncontrollable giggle fits, so I assumed that meant she was okay. rofl If Chris had been home to see us...we'd never hear the end of it. I have no idea what they were on but I never want them to get off it. xd That was just WAY too much fun.

Kris is back on leave! If Charlie has anything to say about it, he'll never leave again. xd I don't know how many times CC practically had the poor guy in choke hold she was clinging to him so much. I'm just happy he's here. I was going crazy with all these girls (especially CC) and now that he's here I'll get a little break from them...until he has to go. CC's already refusing to talk about him leaving because he's apparently never going back. rolleyes Poor CC and her seperation anxiety.
We got to finally see him yesterday but AK had to stay home then and boy was she ready to kill. It wasn't a good day for her yesterday. Jostin was sick, she stayed up way too late doing homework and still didn't it done, her grandparents came over, she had to spend money she wanted for California on her brother for his birthday, and to top it all she didn't get in to Bowling Green. She thinks that's an automatic death sentence or something and that means she has no chance at ONU and is now faced with a choice of Lima branch Ohio State (where her brother goes and where she as a Michigan fan would rather off herself than go and where she'll be entirely too close to home) or go to California.
Yes, that's right she said California. Not visiting. Living. For like ever.
I TOLD YOU SHE'D LEAVE ME! scream
She's yet to discuss this with her parents, but it's either that or Ohio State if she doesn't get into ONU, which she finds likely. So now I'm praying ONU lets her in. PLEEEEEEAAAASSSSEE! gonk AK gone forever? No thank you. I'd be worse than CC and Kris. Mind you this is all just floating in the air she says. There apparently aren't that many colleges in California in San Fran/Sac area with writing majors. The main reason why is for Amanda obviously. stare Gee, thanks AK. I feel loved. cry Then again AK said Amanda was also looking at colleges here and in Texas. AK...you've been to Texas before and you hated it. Remember? Ok, good, she's definitely not going to Texas of all places, but like California is any better?
So Kris is back, for a while and AK is thinking about leaving forever.
Incredibly hyper and happy on one hand...dying of depression on the other.
Isn't that like bipolar or something?
Anyway AK saw Kris today and CC was smart enough to stay far away from the Gillespie house today while AK had her turn choking her cousin in a "hug." Poor Kris is going to go back to the Army with bruises around his neck. xd AK played one-on-one with him for most of the afternoon. Even when it started raining. rolleyes I watched from the sheltered porch of course. She was obnoxiously happy today for having such a bad day yesterday. I blame Kris...and the fact he lost three out of five games. Those two never cease to amuse me. What the hell am I supposed to do with myself if they both leave?
Go to Ireland maybe? I know I have a long lost twin out there somewhere. I don't really want to go, though. I've applied to a few technical schools here out near Lima considering the fact that AK and CC, my family, and not to mention Melinda are all here, and Kris would visit. If AK left, well that takes about 50% of my desire to stay with her.
This sucks. Kris is here and I can't be as happy as I should be. Stupid Bowling Green. mad