|
|
|
Why are there so few reasons for me to live? Home isn't where I'm meant to be. Home feels wrong. Home isn't really even a home. Home is wherever he is. He and his brother and his mother. More of a family to me than mine ever was. That b***h of a mother who acts as if she owns me... That boar of step-father who lies in his own filth Insulting me, blaming me. Saying anything to turn anyone against me. The pair of them, liars. Blackmailing me. Hurting me. Threatening me. My real father doesn't see what's going on. I'm still a 'child'. I'm just throwing a tantrum because I'm not getting my own way. Well she's the one throwing the tantrum Acting like a spoilt brat When she's nearing 50. Her life didn't go to plan, I'll allow her that. But no reason is there for her to control me. How can I escape? I'm not like her. I'm not like him. I'm not like anyone at home. And my sister plays the Mummy's child. A good little girl. Defends her mother through everything. I can't wait for the day she realises she's been defending a lie. Won't that just shatter her poor heart? Five years old, almost six. There is the child my father's talking about. I'm ******** FIFTEEN, "Dad!" Just because I didn't grow up living with YOU ...doesn't mean that I didn't grow up at all. I've grown. I've lost so many things... My happiness...my childish innocence... My virginity...and almost my mind. You don't even know. You never did. And we relate sometimes, but, In the end you see me as your daughter Still a little girl Never someone nearing adulthood. You're still a boy at heart. Immature, ridiculous, mocking. But you can't remember being that young. It's so ironic. Yet so moronic. So who can I turn to... ...in a household of strangers? My mother isn't a mother. A mother doesn't get drunk in front of her children when they're so young. Doesn't ******** tell her 10 year old daughter all about why she and that same 10 year old's father broke up when she's blind drunk and crazed. And doesn't promise that 10 year old daughter heartfelt things five years later, only to take them back. Who am I? I'm not a child anymore. My strings have broken. I may have been yours once. But those days are over. Children, before puberty, are SUPPOSED to feel dependant on parents. Well puberty is almost over for me. And those bonds making me feel like I needed you are gone. The person I love is my soul mate. My soul isn't bonded with these people. Strange animals caught in a tangle of selfishness and dictatorship. This is a farm of very strange animals indeed. Prancing around for show, rebelling against the masters and then taking for themselves. Mother, I'll tell you what you need. A ******** great slap over the head From YOUR father and YOUR mother. Because you take everything too personally. And defend yourself when it's not needed. And try to gain everyone's siding with yourself. This isn't a battle. This isn't a war. No one needs to be on anyone's side. So you can understand my anger. My wish to kill you. When I try to tell you how I'm feeling about living with you, dear stranger And all you do is build up your walls, blaming me and blackmailing me Even picking on my lover, saying he is unable to rise to the occasion, and that he's the reason for our fights. Oh, blind, poor wretch. We fought so many time before he ever came along. But you always block out what isn't 'convenient' for you. We were never the happy family you talk about. Fooling yourself into a delusional world never helps anyone or anything. I don't love you. Maybe once I did. Not for many years though, certainly. I've never loved my step-father. In fact, I hate him, as he hates me. My father...I loved him, yes. But now, as I see what a boy he still is, I find it so much harder To appreciate him, and to respect him. I lost respect for YOU a long time ago. So ******** long ago. You promised me a break. From the house, from you. A break to see the people I really care about And who really care about me. My lover's brother tries to cheer me up when I am sad How is it that he tries something which you have never attempted? My lover's embrace can take away all the pain in the world. Your arms brought reluctance, and conditional acceptance which left me uneasy. My lover's mother brings a feeling of family, of belonging. You brought hostility and resentment. So... ...Leave me alone. Leave me ********. Don't tell me what I can do And what I can't do. I'm so tempted to grab that knife. Or push someone down those stairs. Or take that bag. Pack it. Open the door. And walk for as long as I can. All I've ever wanted is to be supported. Loved for myself. I was only ever praised for outstanding marks. Never helped with anything. Always answered with an "I'm busy" Or silenced with a cut-in word. Please... ...please... ******** PLEASE! I've cried at your feet. I've begged and humiliated myself for emancipation Yet I'm kept here Without a say in my own feelings. My own life. It's not unhealthy You're the unhealthy ones. Can't you see? Well maybe I forgot Blind ones can't see. But selfish ones see whatever they want. Stop seeing what YOU want. See what I need. Stop being children. Stop being yourselves. Stop being PEOPLE! Be parents for ONCE IN YOUR LIVES. That's too much to ask for, though. That'll never happen. I'm sorry... ..So sorry I asked. I shouldn't even have bothered... I'm not worth a thing, after all.
Sami-Hikari · Sat Apr 07, 2007 @ 05:44pm · 2 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|