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Why are you still a c***k in my armor anyway? Granted, you are only one when I'm drunk, but still. We don't talk, we only see each other on the random rare occassion. How is it that even when we just get near each other we often find a place to sneak off to. Why aren't you completely off my radar.
I know I sound pretty pathetic, but its just driving me slightly crazy because I don't have an issue with letting go. I don't really think about you until I either see you, or a couple days after the random nights of fun. I keep telling myself that I won't go there, yet I keep doing it. Am I really so weak?
Is it worth trying to hang out with you sober to see what happens? Maybe then it'll stop the randomness of things altogheter, or we'll find we ended things to soon? Stopping it sounds good, yet there is obviously that part of me that does not see it as so. I think a part of me really hopes for the both of us discovering that we ended it all too soon.
Of course, I have another to complicate the matters. We aren't together in my mind, merely seeing each other. I don't know how serious he thinks things are. This worries me because my whole heart is definitly not into it. I enjoy his company and we have a good time, but there is something missing from the whole thing. We lack a sort of fire that I have had in other relationships. Of course, this isn't the first time this has happened, the spark has been missing before. I just hate the way I see things going. The road where the relationship itself is fine, one of us just has some problem with a lack of emotion, its not a fun one to walk. Especially when the other sees more in the realtionship then you do. You know its going to hurt him in the end, you just have to be diplomatic and find the smallest way to hurt him in hopes of preserving the friendship.
I hate Disney and fairytales that you hear as a child. They lead you to believe that love and relationships happen like magic. There is that instant connection, and it lasts with little effort. Oh how those ideas are shattered with time and age. However, I think its better that it isn't all magic (I think that there is some in there, though sometimes hard to find). Things that are effortless never feel near as gratifying then those you have to work for.
I hope that one day things will get sorted out, though I do have to entertain the idea that it won't. That's more scary then any of it I think. Too many of us live on the hope and dream that things happen for a reason, but I don't really think they do. The universe is an absurd place. But, by believing that things sometimes just happen, with no reason, I will find my faith.