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Loss is Inevitable
I feel like s**t. My friends are fighting and there's nothing I can do about it. I just want them to be happy. I care about them, I hate when they fight, I hate when they're unhappy or dicks to eachother or when they just overall can't get along. To make matters worse for the first time in forever I've actually got a friend who I feel like I can talk to without having to worry about being judged. Been able to easily tell her some s**t that most people wouldn't be able to torture out of me. Sounds good, right? No, it's not. On top of some personal issues (that I may or may not address later in this "journal" wink she and and a friend of our's are also arguing with another friend of our's. I just wanted to stay neutral, just wanted to keep all of my friends and be able to talk to all of them. Unfortunately, it appears by not being upset at the perceived stupidity of one friend or another, I've hurt or insulted or something'd the one person who I've been able to tell s**t to. So where does that leave me? Typing in this ******** journal to non-existent people. The only people that I know will never leave me, mainly because you don't ******** exist in the first place. I just...I'm so tired of people leaving me alone to deal with everything, of people ditching when I allow them to become more than just a disposable part of my life. Everyone ******** leaves, it's what I keep telling myself, but I'm so tired of it. I know eventually everyone will leave me, that's how it's been my whole life and there's been no sign of them breaking the pattern at all. My dad left...my friends from my old school left...it wasn't just talking less and not really seeing them, they got the ******** out of there. People that I've known for a long, long time, some since kindergarten, and they just ******** ditched. ********, even my dog's leaving me, it's only a matter of time before these people leave me too...I'm just tired of being left...tired of feeling like a disposable part of people's lives, something that's there until they decide they don't need it anymore. It's not even about my friend who's kind of mad at me...that's just the reason that I'm pouring out my issues onto a public webpage that nobody ever ******** looks at. I feel so ******** up, I'm so tired of getting ditched, of being the ******** alone when all I want, all I ******** need is someone to talk to. So here I am, half-heartedly pouring out my feelings into what is essentially an empty room. ******** you life, ******** you.
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