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I had gotten a crush and gone out with Cameron.

It was awe-some while it lasted, but that's that. We're still friends. For the most part.

But... it happened. I am in fact in love right now. WIth someone I've known for ages. But I have to stop it out and pretend I'm not, and I'll continue to date people, flirt with people, fool around, etc... because I know... that the one I love... will never be mine.

But, goddess oh mighty do I care about him.

To be in love with someone so much... you're willing to be their friend and watch them love another... just because you know they're happier that way...

That's what I feel...

I did it. I totally and utterly fell for someone. crying

It was the guy I thought was completely out of my league... and I thought he was taken... but he wasn't... and he asked me out...

So... yeah... I think I'm starting to love him...

God damn me. stressed

No! No no no no!

How the ******** am I supposed to stay all 'independent' and 'happily single' so I can flirt and relax and have a life without someone else, when my stomach decides it wants to go all 'fluttery' everytime I talk to someone?

I'm slowly and steadily stomping my mini crush on Sky into the ground because I know she's way out of my league.

A taken guy at my school is practically everything I look for in a person, but face it. He's out of my league, and, well, he's taken. Dammit, Blade, wake up! Butterflies for someone like that is a MAJOR no-no!

Gabriel is one hell of a spark. He's fiesty and pure. Witty and able to be incredibly serious. He's brutelly honest but hurts if he feels as though he insulted another. He's incredibly beautiful even on the outside, yet has hardly any self esteem. The downpoints? He's strict Christian and has vowed to remain celebate for 10 years. And he's in SC, not NC.

I found an incredibly attractive, funny, smart, openminded, and dare I say, adventurous, guy friend named James. He flirts with me all the time and I'm his type, but he still has feelings for his ex. And he lives on the other side of Hickory, so we have to meet up there to hang out.

Mitch just doesn't like me that way. End of story.

Neither does the Canadian. End of story.

The Gribbler wouldn't be caught dead with a "goth/emo/art freak" chick if his life depended on it. End of story.

All the guys who keep asking me out are pervy friends who view me as a peice of a**. Do I want a relationship with them? NO.

There. I've covered most of it. Next time I think "well I kind of get feelings for..." I'm going to open this page and read it.


I'm totally awesome.

Goddess, Canadian's right, I'm a dork.

lol. whee

Well, I'm never talking to Vash again. Ever. He pretended he was hurt, a friend of his talked to me, so I tried to help Vash, and he led me on to act like he needed my help, ripped me up, then laughed while he told me it was all just a game! So yeah, that's that. At least the friend of his now talks to me sometimes... and he's rather nice.

I'm addicted to MySpace.com with a passion and have met the most awesome people there!!

I've met a ton of new friends in near-by cities through MySpace and a kewl HP 6 opening party when the let the book out.

I've almost died several times because of my own stupidity and all I can do is look back and laugh at them.

I've never felt so confident and happy with who I am in my whole life. I'm not afraid to talk to new people and be honest. I've walked up to several guys and said they were attractive, and ended up friends with them! I just used to be so afraid to show people who I really was.

Sky keeps getting more beautiful as she grows.

Ravyn has hurt me, but I still love her, and she's getting married to Jeremy.

I have glasses and they're kewl.

Friday I'm getting my hair dyed deep red.

I might try out for a play with Sky, because Brendon says we should... though he's uber mean. lol.

I'm talking to Cameron, an old friend of Vash's... he's practically got me spilling. He must have said something to strike a nerve earlier. haha, I'm such a dork, I shouldn't be annoying people like this.

Puuuurrrrrrppppllle...

Haha James thinks green's better... I say black's the best...

I'm in the mood for photography...

Michael called me... he enlisted to the army... he's going in a year... eek...

*sigh* Zac asked me to see a movie with him Friday... he won't stop asking me out...

Josh Gribble has been soooo nice to me... I'm gonna talk to him more next year...

oh yeah, I have a kitten... she's evil... but I love her...

Grandpa died, we have his dog, we're selling his house and car... it was so sad...

I've got my permit and my mom's getting me a punch-buggy... hopefully dark blue...<3

anyway, add me on myspace www.myspace.com/witchbladerose or read my blog www.blog.myspace.com/witchbladerose I write entries in my blog at least every few days... I love expressing my life and views through writing...

I read the 6th harry potter book in a single day... it was great...

haha I just convinced Cameron to join this thing again...

eek, Brian just randomly IMed me... that's one hell of a surprise... but nice, I suppose...

Katie broke her foot... poor baby...

My ex, Josh, has actually come to me for girl trouble... I can not express in words how oddly wierd yet nice that feels.

hey, Jill? EVERYONE TOUCH THEIR NIPPLES! just kidding...

now I'm just scared... Brian's actually talking to me... maybe it's a bet...

Go to myspace and add me... now... then send me a message... and talk to me on aim: nightsdarkfury and yim: witchbladerose because lately I just love talking to people...

I think I'll dye my hair black whenever I get sick of dark red... I've always wanted black hair... but supposedly red will be better with my complexion...


now.. time for some random quotes..

brian: "i take it you would screw the dead body of harry potter??? well...once rigamortus sets in i guess if you position the p***s right you'd have something you could ********..."

me: "woot"
james: "woot?"
me: "yes, woot"
james: "no, woot"
...later...
me: "woot"
james: "yes, woot"
me: "caught you"
james: "darn you!!"

machina: "school is like my second bed away from home"

teh canadian: "that's got to be the most tenderhearted thing I've ever heard you say"
me: "lol, then you must not talk to me much"
teh canadian: " *blush* true..."

meh, I'm bored, I'll let you all ~go~...kiki wants her momma

Yeah, okay, Bri doesn't think I'm totally stupid. We're on speaking terms, but probably not friends, well, because we just started talking today. Basically out of the blue... I just saw a small message on myspace, and said 'you know, I'm just gonna talk to him...' xd and he was actually kewl about it.

Vash broke up with me because I said if he couldn't fit the time to come over into his schedule, then he didn't have to feel guilty about it... he was kinda worried about what time he would come over and stuff, and apparently calming him down was NOT the option I should have chosen. Then he made a huge drama deal about it in front of everyone. neutral At least I kept my discussions private... though I admit I spent forever trying to get him to stay friends. Oh, well. His loss. He'll talk to me if he needs to.

Grandpa's moved in. He's actually being nice.

Me and Ravyn are super-duper close right now. I love her to death.

Sky and I aren't so close, she always seems 'busy'. But she's beautimous and I love her anyway. <3 ^^

I kinda have the hots for this guy... well... he gives me happy meds, but I don't want to call him my drug dealer. lol! it's for free, and I'm the only one who gets them. >< (unless I share w/ Ravyn sometimes) But what really sucks is that I don't have feelings for him... I don't have actual feelings for people like that... I haven't since Vash said all those mean things. I'm somewhat attracted, but I don't CARE about anyone like that. I want to have feelings for people... it's the part of relationships that really matter anyway... right? Oh, hell, I don't know.

By the way... if you don't know me and you're reading this, you probably have no idea what any of this was about... biggrin whee

Grandpa's nearly dead. Mum basically stays w/him most the time. He's drugged up and screams crude stuff at her.

Aunt Linda was watching him but left for 2 days and got all drugged up. The dogs tore the carpet up and nearly died from dehydration.

Brian told me to ******** off, I don't give a hoot about Nuada, and I'm mad about Vash. I pinned him down on my bed and "blew" him yesterday, and my dad walked in. <3

We aren't even in trouble, cuz John (dad) flat out told mom he hated me, wished I was dead, thought I was a b***h, and wanted to leave because of me, and therefore he can't say s**t about what I want to do.

My parents were complete assholes Wed. I ran away to Sky's and got a couple of miles in the dark before they found me on the road.

I'm getting eye surgery, birth control, and anti-depressants.

I wrote a short story and I'm gonna publish it.

Cousin Rachel's divorcing Cory AGAIN and is moving to this area for a while. Again.

My personality has changed. Alot. I'm strong, but I don't act all mean now, either. I can be nice AND strong, which has never happened before. =D

God... I'm just... different...

I love you, Vashie!! You're <i>my</i> kawaii neko. heart

Do you ever question your life?
Do you ever wonder why?
Do you ever see in your dreams?
All the castles in the sky?

Oh tell me why,
do we build castles in the sky?
Oh tell me why,
all the castles way up high?
Please tell me why,
do we build castles in the sky?
Oh tell me why,
all the castles way up high?


Yeah, uh... I wrote an entry before... but my mom's friend closed out of all my stuff... I was furious... I had been writing a story, too, and she lost everything... I was so angry I just went in my room, laid on my bed for 20 minutes straight, and felt sick as hell... no one takes my writing seriously... but my writing is everything to me...

Anyway I had this creepy dream where I was soaking wet and wrapped up in a towel on the beach. I was super cold, but no one else was there, so I couldn't get any clothes. It was all grey and lonely out there. Then Nuada walks up, strikes me across the face so hard I fall on my side, and start spitting up blood like crazy. Before I could even get up, he wrapped his arms around my legs and dragged me closer to the sea like I was some corpse, and I passed out. I wake up alone, wrapped up in the black strap things, and notice the sea is pulling itself back. Then this huge wave comes, in which there are dead sharks floating inside with bullets in their heads.

Then I REALLY woke up on the floor, at 1 in the god forsaken morning, in my undies, with blood dripping from my mouth. How nice.

Then I had some wierd dream where I was having a slumber party. I was video taping an older version of Sky while she was talking to me in front of the fireplace. My cat Dipstick (who passed away a few years ago) was eating a bird on the couch. Ravyn was somewhere outside screaming at Jeremy, and everyonce in a while you would hear glass break. I kept thinking (please don't don't break not another you're killing my aunt she needs that). The windows were bleeding, and Dillon would walk back and forth between my room and the guest room, whispering "the birds are gone, I drowned them, the birds are gone". Katie was asleep on the floor, Mitch was at the store for milk, and there was a pretty black girl and some guy I don't know reanacting parts of 'the nightmare before christmas' in my livingroom. There was a girl, skin like cream and hair like moonlight, lying on the bar in the kitchen. She was naked except for a white sheet covering up to her breasts, and every bit of her was perfect in porportion. I had gotten up, and kissed her eyelids and lips, for she was dead, and would recieve no other love from another person. Vash was sitting on a stool, watching the body in thought, and I stared at him until I saw a tear slip from his eye. Without saying a word, I got up, kissed his lips, walked out onto the porch, and started sobbing in Brian's arms, who had been sitting on the railing and watching the grey mist growing thicker, and thicker. He handed me a loaded gun without emotion, with which I shot myself at the temple.

I'd like to see some psychologist idiot make sense of that.

I should have told Vash... he never knew... I was so stupid to have hidden it from him...

bleh, I'm going to occupy my mind with something stupid!!

I'm detaching myself from Nuada, because I know I wouldn't be able to handle it in the long run.

Brian honestly hates me. Cara is attempting to become friends with me, and I see now why he wants her. Of course, she's pretty, but she's bipolar too... so she has my weaknesses of falling desperately in love with someone in the back of her mind screaming 'dominate him, make him yours in the oldest form known to man kind'. She shouldn't have hated me before. I know what's going to happen between them, and about how long it will last, but I'm not going to say anything. And I'm not going to speak to Brian. He isn't s**t of what he used to be.

Vash! Ah, Vash. We had become friends again for about a week, if I have not said it already on this journal, then he tore it up. You see, a few days ago, in a Gaian PM, I asked him what was the matter, and he did not respond for quite some time. In fact, he never did. But he did send me an AIM later asking if I was on. Teasingly, and maybe a little sarcastic if taken the wrong way, I replied "duh, or I wouldn't have gotten the message". It might have been two parts, I don't remember, but the next thing I know he's screaming about what a b***h I am and Blade was laughing to herself, telling me what a fool I was. I had to agree with her. Did I really think I could pull off being his friend?

When I meditate, I imagine two of myself:

Blade, who apprears older and younger than me at the same time. Blade is a goddess of sorts. She has the long silky silvery-dark blonde-light brown hair I used to have, and the long eyelashes. She's the one with the perfectly straight teeth and smooth white skin. Only I know under her black wrist bands and spiked bracelets, lay those little scars that never really fade.

And Victoria, the desperate hope and mourning. The teeth moving back just the tiniest bit from keeping the retainer for that month or two more, the blood still smeared on her hands, over half the eyelashes torn out and still growing back. The body with scratches across her shoulders and back, the hastily thrown on clothes and short tangled hair. The nails, lips, and tongue chewed till they bleed, the slightly lazy eye (and to hear them 'crazy eyes, crazy eyes, come sit with us, b***h, you little freak').

My pretty Blade doesn't get hurt. She's a vibrant b***h, who tears apart her friends, and somehow they're only drawn to her more. The one who loves attention, fiests upon little boys' hearts, and laughs sweetly at others' tears. The one who twists others around her little finger and snaps them over her knee. All is seen in black and red, every little thing pisses her off. Sometimes I wish I could disappear inside her again and forget about the other half.

My lost Victoria is the one who works hard in school, finds herself crying in public, dreams of living on her own one day and being free. She tries to help anyone and everyone, clawing desperately to put old friends before herself. She breaks down sobbing in the middle of the night because of awful things people have said. They say she's a b***h, that's she's changed, but really it's the absence of Blade. Victoria was nothing to others without the tempting b***h backing her up. Victoria blindly believes that things will get better, she believes that hopes can come true. She's weak, sweet, and is honestly too nice for her own good.

Sometimes I can see them arguing. I can see Blade sprawled on the bed, not a worry on her mind. Victoria's backed up against the wall, knees drawn up defensively. They hold long debates, Blade always waving her hand impatiently or her mind wandering onto her current male of choice. Victoria has to slap the bed, bitterly murmuring. Victoria falls in love with a friend, and while she sobs, my lovely Blade kisses her tears and cries out "I told you! You gullible child, men are a playground. Why buy a bottle when you can just try several sample sprays?" and as she laughs delightedly, all tears from my eyes vanished.

I pity those who must conquer themselves as I do. It is a lonely road, and a confusing one. Say a friend's boyfriend is constantly holding you, embracing you, making silly little offers pathetic love lies. Victoria wants to forget about it, but is too afraid to react. She wants for it to stop, but is too weak to do a thing. Blade throws a glass against the wall, every inch of skin angrily aroused at the violence and sound, screaming at me. "Either use him and lure him in then tear him apart, or tell your friend what he's doing and scream at him not to lay those filthy hands on you again, you hear? You little crying girl, you are naive and pathetic, and should let me have a little fun with him..."

I would one day like to meet a male with such a contrast of dark beauty against sweet loneliness, and see if he would be able to handle my fire and ice.