Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I've come to a realization as of late, and I don't really know what to make of it. Because let's be honest - most realizations one usually comes to are more psuedo-revelations than anything... at least when I come to realize something it usually ends up working out this way (give or take a few amendments, depending on the situation):

1. I think too much.
2. I come to an uninformed and naïve decision.
3. Despite knowing this, I carry on with my thoughts.
4. I set a goal for myself.
5. I tell myself that starting today, my life WILL change.
6. Today goes by.
7. Nothing changes, I'm back at square one.

So really, having a revelation most of the time is a lot like promising yourself you're going to make it to the gym. That s**t just isn't going to happen.

And that's because a lot of the time I'm looking for a reason that my life isn't EXACTLY the way I want it right now. I assume that for that reason, I have to be doing something wrong. I have to be directly effecting the whole of my life. And with that in mind, I need to change something I'm doing and I need to change it fast.

So with that kind of irrational (and uncharacteristically conservative) nature, who could expect things to change?

But I've kind of gone off-track. To resume what I was saying:

I've come to a realization as of late, and I don't really know what to make of it.

I've realized that my life doesn't suck nearly as much as I want it to. Because, that's right, if there's not something WRONG with s**t - I try to find something that feels wrong.

It's easy to be sitting down, bored, and come up with a reason to be distraught. s**t, sitting at a computer and watching a movie (which, Rich fans, I've been known to do quite often) gives me plenty of time to do that.

"What's wrong with this? Am I lonely? Should I feel lonely? Am I weird? Do I have a shitty sense of humor? Why can't I afford certain things? Where is my life heading? Why didn't college happen the way I wanted it to? Do I feel stuck? If I do, what am I stuck in? Do my friends like me? Does my family like me? Do my co-workers like me? This movie sucks. Why do I watch movies so often? Do my movie tastes suck?"

And, you know - the mind ******** itself at that point. I've come to the crude (if that's the right word) realization that my life isn't as bad as I want to trick myself into thinking it is. It's actually pretty ******** OK. And I think that on some bullshit deep-level, I want it to be ******** up. And I want to be able to have a reason to get upset that I have, or don't have certain aspects of life.

And that's it.

My life doesn't suck.

I mean, it could definitely be better (what couldn't be?)

And I'm not on cloud nine or anything but... It's not bad.

s**t.