FOR ALL THE PEOPLE THAT CANT JONE



Yo mama so fat her nickname is "Lardo"



Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.



Yo mama so fat were in her right now



Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise



Yo mama so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone





Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors







Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her...







Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world







Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy







Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!







Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!







Yo mama so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"







Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"







Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized



Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn"







Yo mama so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!







Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"







Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.







Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.







Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.







Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.







Yo mama so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!







Yo mama so fat she's got her own area code!







Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!







Yo mama so fat God couldn't light Earth until she moved!







Yo mama so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!







Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!







Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...







Yo mama so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.







Yo mama so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!







Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!







Yo mama so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the her good side!







Yo mama so fat she wakes up in sections!







Yo mama so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!







Yo mama so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.







Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!







Yo mama so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!







Yo mama so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!







Yo mama so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!







Yo mama so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!







Yo mama so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!







Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!







Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!







Yo mama so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!







Yo mama so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!







Yo mama so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!







Yo mama so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!







Yo mama so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!







Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!







Yo mama so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!







Yo mama so fat she got hit by a parked car!







Yo mama so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!







Yo mama so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!







Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.







Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"







Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!







Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!







Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th







Yo mama so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too







Yo mama so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please







Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it!







Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!







Yo mama so fat she fell in love and broke it.







Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.







Yo mama so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping







Yo mama so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.







Yo mama so fat when she back up she beep.







Yo mama so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.







Yo mama so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.







Yo mama so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.







Yo mama so fat she influences the tides.







Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.







Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.







Yo mama so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.







Yo mama so fat she was baptized at Marine World.







Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!







Yo mama so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.







Yo mama so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her







Yo mama so fat she stands in two time zones.







Yo mama so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.







Yo mama so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.







Yo mama so fat shes on both sides of the family







Yo mama so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through







Yo mama so fat when she goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.







Yo mama so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.







Yo mama so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.







Yo mama so fat she cant reach her back pocket.







Yo mama so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!







Yo mama so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.







Yo mama so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water







Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out







Yo mama so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth







Yo mama so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures







Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.







Yo mama so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.







Yo mama so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.







Yo mama so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.







Yo mama so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.







Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.....







Yo mama so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.







Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.







Yo mama so fat she was baptised in the ocean.







Yo mama so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.







Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.







Yo mama so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"







Yo mama so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!







Yo mama so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.







Yo mama so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.



hey add me remember?



sry i had to go -.-



oh yeah and jabowakees rule



Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!



Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."



Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested

for mooning.



Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!



Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make monster cookies.



Yo momma so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower



Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.



Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"



Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.



Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.



Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.



Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!



Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras



Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her



Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.



Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.



Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!



Yo momma so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!



Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!



Yo momma so ugly The NHL banned her for life



Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.



Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.



Yo momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.



Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.



Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank they turn off surveillance cameras



Yo momma so ugly her face was on fire and I had to use a snow shovel to put it out.



Yo mamma so stupid when she messed up on the computer and tried to fix it with whiteout



Yo momma so stupid she thought an elevator was a mobile home.



Yo momma so stupid she saw a sign that said caution wet floor, she peed.



Yo momma so stupid if she goit a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change.



Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.



Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes



Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends



Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind



Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.



Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she ran outside with a bowl



Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!



Yo momma so stupid was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday.



Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!



Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!



Yo momma so supid she could trip over a cordless phone!

Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!

Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!

Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterbacks a refund!

Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.

Yo momma so stupid she asked you "What is the number for 911"

Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put "O.K."

Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.

Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.

Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.

Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.

Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.

Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F and sometimes Wednesday too."

Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!

Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!

Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!



Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.



Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.



Yo momma so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.



Yo mamma so stupid she studied for a drug test.



Yo mamma so stupid she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company!



Yo mamma so stupid she tried to drown a fish!



# Yo Mammas so fat she uses her son as a tampon!



# Yo Mama is so fat that she makes free whily look like a Tic-Tac!!



- submitted by Rebecca.



# Yo Momma so dumb she ran into a parked car.



- Submitted by Gary



# Yo Momma so fat she use's a p***s for A p***s!!!!!!



# Yo mamma so fat it takes her two buses and a taxi just to get on her good side.



# Yo mamas so stupid she put ice in her drals to keep her crabs fresh.



Yo mama so ugly, if bricks were ugly, she could have her own projects.



# last time your momma said i want to go home your daddy said sea world ain't open!





# yo momma so stupid when the job application said "sex"she put yes please.





# yomomma so fat she walked out in a yellow rainjaket and everybody said catch that twinky.





# YO MAMA SO FAT WHEN SHE HAS SEX SHE HAS TO GIVE DIRECTIONS.



# yo mamma so fat last time she stood on the scale it said no trucks please.



# yo mamma so old god sent her to hell cause she didnt pay himback.



# yo momma so stupid when the job application said "sex"she put yes please.

know, I know... I don't usually talk very much about "girlfriends" and "relationships".



But today is SPECIAL.



It's special because I'm going to take an entire article to talk about the subject.



Of course, I'm not going to talk about the "usual" stuff like how to buy a woman flowers and how to apologize when you're late for dinner.



Nope.



I'm going to talk about something FAR more important. I'm going to talk about how to GET a GREAT girlfriend...

and what to do once you've GOTTEN her so you don't screw it up and LOSE her.



As a quick side note, I really believe that most men ULTIMATELY want a GREAT relationship with a beautiful, interesting, intelligent woman.



The REASON most guys learn to be more successful with women and dating is to find a GREAT one... not just so they can date a million women. Sure, some guys just want to date a lot of women, and aren't "relationship" material.



But I believe that probably 90% of guys who study this area of life do so because they want to have OPTIONS when it comes to women and dating... and they want to be able to meet and date more intelligent, attractive, and interesting women... but ULTIMATELY I think that most guys would like to meet a really nice, attractive woman to share a great relationship with.



If you've read my eBook "Double Your Dating" and you've been reading and applying what you're learning from these newsletters, then you're meeting more women.



And what happens when you learn how to meet women in any situation... and you start dating more women?



Duh... your standards go UP.



Instead of just "settling" for any woman that will go out with you, you start wanting THE BEST. This is only natural.



Click here to join the free Double Your Dating newsletter and read more advice articles



Here's where things get interesting...



When a guy who hasn't been particularly good with women and dating gets his first date with an UNUSUALLY wonderful woman, it will often shake him up... and he'll "forget" everything he's learned... and start acting like his former "Wuss Self".



When the stakes go up in life, we humans get nervous.



And this nervousness often hurts us by "blanking" our minds, and makes us SCREW UP... instead of HELPING us by calming us and causing us to remember what we SHOULD be doing.



Hey, I didn't design humans... I just work with what's already there. Don't blame me. So how does this translate when it comes to guys dating unusually attractive women for the first time? Well, after having this happen in my own life many times, and getting emails from countless guys who have gone through the same thing, I think the process goes a little something like this:



1) Become frustrated because he's not having success with women and dating. Decides to do something about it.

2) Starts learning techniques and ideas to improve success. Begins to improve, and realizes that it IS possible to have more success with women. Feels excited as results improve.

3) Wakes up one day and realizes that the types of women that were previously "untouchable" are, in fact, within reach. Decides to do something about it.

4) Gets a date with a woman that was previously "out of his league". Instantly becomes aware that this is a VERY important situation. Becomes nervous.

5) Goes out on the date, and acts like a Wuss Bag. Because he knows the MAJOR mistakes to avoid, and the important things to do, still does "OK"... to the point where the woman has a good time, enjoys herself, etc.

6) Goes home and says to self "Self, you'd better not screw this one up. Call her and ask her out again. This girl is RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL. It's OK to call her a lot and act like a Wuss, because she's different. I know that David D. would He-b***h-Man-Slap me for this, but if he knew how amazing THIS PARTICULAR girl was, he would understand." Part of this step is thinking about the girl all the time, and secretly wondering if she's OUT WITH ANOTHER GUY.

7) Proceeds to call and get Date #2 (for the very next night, of course).

cool On Date #2 (or Date #3) says to the girl "You're special. I have FEELINGS for you." (Or something equally emotional, needy, clingy, or Wuss-like.)

9) Calls the amazing girl every day... to the point where she stops returning his calls and starts actively avoiding his calls. Girl finally says something like "I think I need some time ALONE right now in life" or "It's not YOU, it's ME" or "You're such a great guy, and I really like you a lot... but I'm just not ready for a RELATIONSHIP right now", etc.

10) Writes in to David D. and says "HELP, you've got to help me out with this one. Please please please. This girl is amazing and I want her to be my girlfriend, but I acted like a Wuss, and now she only likes me as a friend. What can I do to get her back?"





And if you've been tuned in to my newsletter for awhile, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Hell, if you've been tuned in long enough, YOU have probably sent me an email like the one I just mentioned.



So there are two pieces to this puzzle:

1) How to get a girlfriend.

2) How to not screw it up when you get one.



HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND



Here are some ideas for how to GET a great girlfriend:

1) Realize that attractive, intelligent, amazing women are IN DEMAND. They are RARE (I believe that a man who has his life together and understands women and attraction is FAR RARER, but that's a different conversation).

2) Because these women are rare and in demand, they usually have a lot of EXPERIENCE with men. And guess what? MEN ARE VERY PREDICTABLE. Men usually ask women out in one of a few PREDICTABLE ways... and they usually act one of a few PREDICTABLE ways on dates... and they usually respond in one of a few PREDICTABLE ways after the date... etc.

3) When it comes to the unusually attractive, desirable women, they have usually had a LOT of men who have "fallen" for them "too quickly". In other words, when they meet a guy who falls for them quickly, they RECOGNIZE it instantly, and RESPOND to it by RUNNING away.

4) If you want to get one of these desirable women to consider a RELATIONSHIP with you, you need to NOT act like one of the other 100 boring guys she's gone out with.

5) It is VITALLY important that you learn everything you can about women and dating before you go looking for a long-term relationship with a fantastic woman. Of course, I recommend my eBook and other advanced materials for this. You won't find a better education anywhere on this topic, and what you'll learn from me will definitely help you get your "game" together in this area. If you can't afford to get my materials right now, just keep reading these newsletters religiously. They're jam packed with great information, and they'll help you tremendously. The point is that you have to KEEP WORKING on it. Don't just learn a few things and think "OK, I've got it".

6) You must give an unusually attractive woman SPACE. You can't call her every day, tell her that you're in love with her two days after you've met her, chase her around, always ask what she's doing, etc. You must give this special woman THE GIFT OF MISSING YOU.

7) When you're in her presence, you must not treat her like you desperately want and need her approval. There's a way to do ANYTHING and have it mean ANYTHING. Whatever you do, don't try to "impress" her, act apologetic for anything about yourself, or otherwise give away your personal POWER. EVER.

cool If you have a life, stay with it. If you don't have a life, get one. Don't sit around wondering what she's doing, calling her, telling her how you "feel", etc. If she wanted another "girlfriend", she'd get one. So don't act like one. Desirable women want men who are INDEPENDENT, and who give them SPACE. In fact, if anything, you need to give a woman like this TOO MUCH space. You want HER to be the one who is calling YOU to figure out what you're up to.

9) If you sense that this woman is "testing" you by being difficult, trying to change plans with you on short notice all the time, etc. then RELAX. Lean back. Never let her "get away" with anything just because she's beautiful, or let her have any "special privileges" because you like her. NEVER.

10) If you want a long-term relationship, let it DEVELOP over time. I personally don't think it's a good idea to even CONSIDER having a relationship with a woman until you have known her for a MINIMUM of 90 days. MINIMUM! If you take this mindset, it will FORCE you to chill out and let things develop over time, instead of trying to "force" them. You'll be VERY different from the other guys she's dated, and you'll find that SHE starts letting the "I have special feelings for you" talk slip out.





I'm suggesting a way of thinking, behaving, and communicating that is VERY different from the way most men think, behave, and communicate.



It is "counter intuitive"... it doesn't really seem to make sense at first. And it is NOT what your FEELINGS will tell you to do if you're not experienced with women.



But if you want to avoid being one of the guys who writes me a "David, you have to help me please please please..." letter, then I recommend you strongly consider this stuff... and use what you're learning from me.





HOW TO NOT SCREW IT UP WITH THE GIRL YOU HAVE



Now I'm REALLY getting into territory that I don't usually talk about, but I'll take a few minutes and comment on a few things...



I personally think one of the biggest mistakes men make with women comes down to GIVING AWAY PERSONAL POWER. This usually means acting apologetic, allowing a woman to "get away" with things that subtly put her "in control" of you, and behaving like a WUSSY.



Women don't feel that magical emotion called ATTRACTION for men who give away their power. Women aren't attracted to WUSSIES.



And what do most men do once they get into a long-term relationship?



Of course...



They start acting like Wussies.



Go figure, huh?



And another of the biggest mistakes that men make with women is acting BORING AND PREDICTABLE. These are two sides to the same coin. Most guys do this right from the beginning, and kill any chances of having ANY kind of success with a woman. But the REAL challenge comes when you get into a longer relationship with a person... because they get a chance to LEARN what to expect. In other words, it's harder to not act boring and predictable with someone who has known you for a long time.



But you MUST do it if you want to keep the magic alive!



What I'm trying to say is that it's not enough to get a woman to say "Yes, I want to be in a relationship with you" or "Yes, I want to marry you". You're going to wake up in five years, and still have to MAKE your relationship great. Just because it's great now doesn't mean that you can "let it slide".



I get a kick out of the emails I get from all the married guys out there who are using these materials and techniques to put the spark back into their marriages. Yes, even your wife who you've been married to for twenty years still wants you to make her feel ATTRACTION for you.



I hope this article has made you think. And I hope it has made you realize that there's a lot more to GETTING and KEEPING a really attractive, amazing woman than a few tricks. You have to do a lot of INNER work if you want to be the kind of guy who can keep an amazing woman.



When I was on my own personal quest to learn how to attract women, I found that most of the materials available only focused on the OUTER game. In other words, they only talked about techniques. They said "Just go up to a woman and say HI..." but they didn't talk about HOW to say the words, or how to understand what the woman would be thinking when I did approach her... or any of the million other "INNER GAME" issues around meeting women.



After spending a few years figuring this stuff out, I have realized that it is VITAL that a guy get his Inner Game together FIRST. Once you understand how and why women are attracted to certain types of men, and how the human "mating dance" works, you will SEE things differently. You'll understand things in a new way. It's like putting on a pair of 3-D glasses... and seeing things in a totally new way.



Double Your Dating eBookThen, I think it's important to learn THE BEST "techniques" and actual strategies for meeting women... from where to go, to what to say, to how to take things to a "physical" level smoothly and without "rejection".



If you want to learn how to meet the kind of exceptional woman that is "relationship material", and then KEEP her once you do find her, then this program will be priceless to you.the book is called double your date