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Cloudberry Wine Report | 08/04/2023 7:13 pm

for so long...I still miss all the people I used to be -- the people I used to love reflected back in me. and I miss you, I miss you. all these guys. why?

I think that's what I'm missing in this age of endless social media scrolling. It's empty. Anonymous. but endless texts,.. EPIC several hour phone calls. dammit I miss that. the intimacy and closeness experienced from hundreds of miles away... I know we'll never have that again. None of the (embarrassingly?) many 'we' I have been a part of. but my heart aches in loneliness at night because I am still up waiting for the echo of obsessions long passed to reignite. they won't. we won't. but I am here. always here. do you think he misses me?

Cloudberry Wine Report | 02/23/2023 5:41 pm

And still I hope for you

Cloudberry Wine Report | 02/04/2023 3:51 pm

There are people I will always love; in the depths of my memories and who I used to be...

Gaia is probably the last corner of the internet I can unapologetically be me, heh sweatdrop Even as recently as this past summer, there are people I will miss for what I'm certain will be forever. I think maybe I bring a level of comfort and safety and love that some people feel guilty for accepting...2022 showed me that...and I miss you. But I know you'll never talk to me again. I made you feel good and bad and guilty for feeling good...and I guess I'm sorry for making you feel that way because I know that I was too much and it wasn't right to be so open. Why is it that people you only talk to embed themselves so deeply? [as an aside, do you ever look at a word and think, surely this must be fake?]

Migraine today. So tired...yesterday I turned 28. The oldest I have ever been and yet I still so feel so young. and small. and like I don't know what I'm doing. and like what I am doing isn't good enough. but still i love birthdays and wishes and 110% believe in celebrating everything you can find an excuse to heart It's funny...I don't look for longshots in crowded places anymore.

and this note to self doesn't quite feel done, so byeee?

Cloudberry Wine Report | 04/23/2021 5:43 pm

At the end of the day...

all that's left are conversations from 12 years ago...I've worked really hard to build a life, but at the end of the day all that I have is what was and what could never be. I'm always going to be too sick to be successful and I'll never be granted the support to heal, rest, and recover...it was always "be okay so you can go to school and we don't have to interrupt our lives to take care of you" then it was "be okay so you can go to work and pay the bills because no one is going to take care of you and being homeless would be worse" and now it's "be okay so you can take care of the house and baby because no one is ever going to take care of you and if you don't take care of her no one will" -- I'm taking care of my babies no matter what. Especially because no one has ever taken care of me. I can't die by my hand now. All I can do is wish for a time machine to make sure the first time was the only time, and that I succeeded. There is no solution, no cure, no saving me. I just have to be okay enough to be here and love my babies.

Why isn't that enough to cure me?

Cloudberry Wine Report | 09/06/2020 11:26 pm

Dear Someone,

I'm tired of this life. No one who gets it can do anything about how the world is just too much for me. How stupid it is that I'm overwhelmed by how everything keeps going wrong. How stupid it is of me to just want a vacation. How dumb it is of me to still want to die after all this time. How stupid it is that I can't now. How stupid it is that I want to apologise to everyone for existing. How I don't want to hurt my daughter by killing her mother. 12 years of fighting my mind, of convincing myself to stay here. I can't leave, I won't leave. I hate how badly I want to leave this world. I just want to be stupid, reckless, carefree. I don't want to care anymore. I don't want to let life get to me. I don't want to want to die.

Cloudberry Wine Report | 12/17/2018 4:30 pm

Modest Mouse - Teeth Like God's Shoeshine

Juror Report | 04/04/2018 7:01 pm

I'm glad there are still blue words I can offer. I'm sleepy and watching Suits.

Juror Report | 04/04/2018 6:18 pm

I enjoyed your email more. Smiled a few times when I read it during lunch. Will do my best reply soon. You must be quite the editrix. My day was busy but reasonable hours still.

Juror Report | 04/03/2018 6:21 pm

The trouble with spending so long on an email (or a story) is that at the end I expect it to be so much better than it is...but I'm working on it (the email).

Juror Report | 04/03/2018 5:27 pm

Gratitude was on my mind recently. I thought about growing up how my family would pray before every meal, a practice I've not continued. I considered that the constant recognition of what one has can be good.

What has inspired your appreciation of gratitude? As for 3 things, I will give it more thought and answer elsewhere.

My work is slightly more interesting than that!

Yours was the email I was composing 3nodding

I like the cheerfulness of the song.