Why are Japanese RPG’s so … ummm … gay?
Posted October 23, 2006 by Kevin
If there’s one thing I think we can all agree on, it’s that Japanese gamers love cute things. Almost everything that escapes the land of the rising sun has the patented Japanese sugar coating better known as “cute”. While this is fine for games like Pokemon, or Animal Crossing, I am getting sick of more-serious games that seem to have an identity crisis.

DISCLAIMER:
Before I go any further, I should probably warn those who are easily offended to stop reading now. The remainder of this article contains highly offensive material for all the Final Fantasy fanboys out there.

Okay, so for those of you still with me, you may be asking yourself what I mean by games with an identity crisis. Allow me to explain. If you’re going to make a game where the storyline is serious in nature, with guns and swords, the end of the world, corrupt governments, or some other vague evil presence hell bent on overtaking the world; can we at least have the hero not look like a flamboyant metrosexual with a sword?

I don’t understand how you get a hero like Cloud from FF VII - who looks like some pasty kid that’s spent way too much time in front of the mirror with a can of hairspray, after editing his crappy myspace profile and listening to emo music. This is a role playing game we’re talking about right? Who in their right mind (besides these three guys) wants to role play as this guy?

Honestly, am I supposed to take anyone serious who wears more lipstick than my grandma? Cloud looks more like Ashlee Simpson than someone who stands half a chance against any formiddable enemy. Although, I can’t say his competition is any better. Sephiroth is about as girly as they come … maybe even worse than Cloud.

Still not convinced? Well, it’s not just FF VII characters that look like they just walked off the set of a boyband video shoot. Even Dante from Devil May Cry didn’t escape untouched. Not to mention Tidus from FF X and this guy.

I think it’s time for Square-Enix, along with all the Japanese developers, to learn something from American RPG’s. I mean, look at Kratos - here’s a hero that rips peoples arms off and then uses them to beat down everyone around him. You don’t get much more badass than that.

Or how about one of my favorite all-time enemies, Diablo. The spikes, horns, claws, and razor sharp teeth - everything about him says “I will kick your a**!!”. Not exactly the type of guy I’d like to meet in a dark alley late at night … or anytime of night for that matter.

So how ’bout it Japan? How about we stop it with the homoerotic heroes, and move onto something a little more macho? Haven’t we all been scarred enough already by having do endure Cloud and the gang? Don’t make me endure another adventure through a beautifully rendered world … only to realize I’m some skinny metrosexual in leather overalls every time I look at my character on screen.