About me

You Might Be Goth If....

* Christians accost you with pamphlets on the street frequently

* the Count was your favorite Sesame Street character as a child

* the shade of powder you wear is called "Sheet Of Paper"

*you accost Christians with pamphlets on the street

* you and your boyfriend/girlfriend fight over who gets to wear the fangs

* you and your friends take lengthy drives to visit non-local graveyards

*you are happy when no one has ever heard of your favorite band

* you argue on whether Poppy Z. Brite or Anne Rice has the more realistic outlook on life

* you buy $15 fishnets and rip them on purpose

*you can't decide whether Morticia Addams or Lily Munster is prettier,

* you fashion your eyeliner after a culture that's been dead over 2000

*you go to Denny's at 5 in the morning and think, "These are my people"

*you have seen "Nightmare before Christmas" more than seven times

*you like to play dead in public

* you own 16 or more Cleopatra c.d.'s

*you own even 1 Projekt c.d.

* you pay 6 bucks for cigarettes that match your outfit

* you refer to others as "The Normals"

* you refer to your age in mortal years

*you spell Vampire either Vampyre or Vamphyre

*you think dead flowers are prettier than live ones

*you think of the hearse as a "family car"

*you wake up still drunk at 3 in the afternoon with anonymous black

* you wear long, velvet coats in the middle of summer

* you were disappointed to find out that "American Gothic" is a portrait

*your boyfriend/girlfriend complains that his/her ribs just don't stick out the way they want

* your combat boots cost more than it takes to feed a third world child

* your purse is large, square and metal

* you've willingly undergone cosmetic dental surgery



GOTHIC JOKES

*I'm so goth I'm the only person who understands what goth REALLY is, and I'm not telling you!

*I'm so goth every sentence I say has the word "goth" in it.

*I'm so goth I always use the word "goth" instead of "got."

*I'm so goth all I do is sit around and talk about how goth I am. I'm so goth I don't have a name. I'm just "goth."

*I'm so goth I changed my name to Mystryss Darque Wintyr Nyght Rayn Ravyn.

*I'm so goth I have crushed velvet lawn chairs.

*I'm so goth that in kindergarten I sang "woe, woe, woe your boat..."

*I'm so goth that lightning strikes whenever I count things. MUH-HA-HA-HA!

*I'm so goth I have to wear sunglasses and sunscreen to look on the bright side.

* I'm so goth that if I go out in the sunlight with bare skin showing, people have to put on shades because of the reflection off my pale skin.

*I'm so goth that bats hang little plastic me's from their ceiling.

* I'm so goth I always complain because my blacks don't match.

*I'm so goth I have a fishnet umbrella. I'm so goth I shower with bleach instead of soap.

* I'm so goth I spend hours deciding what shade of black to wear.

*I'm so goth I make Happy Meals cry. I'm so goth my skin would catch on fire if it were ever exposed to sunlight.

*I'm so goth that when I was a toddler, I didn't cry over spilled milk, I MOURNED it.

*I'm so goth I call a smile a "concave frown."

* I'm so goth I listen to The Sisters of Mercy and Bauhaus simultaneously at midnight in a graveyard sitting in a pentagram surrounded by candles . . . and oh, there's a full moon . . . and then I die. And then I come back to life. And then I die again . . . tragically.

* I'm so goth I dot my i's with frowny faces.

*I'm so goth I spend every waking moment, every breath, in contemplation of Goth. The totality of my being is at one with the essence of Goth.

*I'm so goth I got a 12-pack of absinthe.

* I'm so goth I don't eat gummy bears, I eat "glummy bears."

*I'm so goth, Robert Smith asked ME for my autograph.

*I'm so goth I sleep UNDER my bed.

* I'm so goth I . . . wear . . . my . . . sunnnnnglasses at night (sung with a Corey Hart pout).

* I'm so goth I became a fisherman, just so I could use fishnets.

*I'm so goth I know how to spell Siouxsie & The Banshees correctly.

*I'm so goth the dark is scared of ME.

*I'm so goth tan lines are a sin.

* I'm so goth nuns and priests resent me because I look cooler in black than them. I'm so goth I'm catholic.

*I'm so goth I know what pvc stands for.

* I'm so goth the people at the suicide hotline have asked me to stop calling. ( Me: I know, I know not all goths aren't suicidle )

* I'm so goth I tried to use Cheer . . . it cried.

* I'm so goth, when I'm sleeping people come and check my pulse.

*I'm so goth I have actually seriously uttered the phrase, "the darkest dark of the dark darkness." I'm so goth I don't have a pulse.

* I'm so goth that whenever I walk into a room, you hear "Toccata and Fugue in D minor."

*I'm so goth I have carpal tunnel syndrome from constantly putting the back of my hand to my forehead.

*I'm so goth I practice my blank stare in the mirror. I'm so goth I rooted for Gargamel.

* I'm so goth I keep getting hit on by necrophiliacs!

*I'm so goth little old ladies in walkers cross the street to insult me.

*I'm so goth, when I smile people ask me what's wrong.

*I'm so goth I punched a care bear.

*I'm so goth I make flowers wilt.

* I'm so goth I like them better that way.

*I'm so goth, when I was born the doctor slapped me and I didn't cry.

*I'm so goth I don't take my medications, so I can be more goth.

*I'm so goth little kids are mesmerized by my appearance.

*I'm so goth I ate a Happy Meal . . . because I like to live dangerous.

*I'm so goth I wonder if my dog's collar would look better on me.

*I'm so goth I KNOW my dog's collar looks better on me.

*I'm so goth I stole my dog's collar.

*I'm so goth I slather on spf 45 before I open the refrigerator.

* I'm so goth, in preschool, all my drawings were titled, "DEATH."

*I'm so goth, in high school, all my papers were titled, "DEATH."

* I'm so goth I think electrical tape is a fashion accessory.

*I'm so goth it takes me an hour and a half to get dressed.

*I'm so goth it takes me longer to get UNdressed. *I'm so goth I'm the only REAL goth.

*I'm so goth I set off airport metal detectors from ten feet away with all my jewelry.

*I'm so goth I don't use fabric softener, because I like pain.

*I'm so goth I say things like "eternally yours in darkness" and "love and darkness" and "may the eternal darkness of the abyss enrapture and enshroud you in its infernal sickly sweet embrace."
*I'm so goth the smile muscles in my face have atrophied.

*I'm so goth the smile muscles in my face never GREW.

* What's a smile?

*I'm so goth, when I go outside, the sun sets.

*I'm so goth, when I stop pouting, people ask, "What are YOU so happy about?"

*I'm so goth, I'm not only "goth," but also "gothe" "goff" "gawth" "gauwth" "gothic" "gothik" "gothique" and "gawfickk" and soon I hope to be "gauewthickueu."

*I'm so goth, whenever I knock on somebody's door they give me candy.

*I'm so goth I died and didn't notice.

*I'm so goth I don't paint my nails black--I bash them with a hammer.

* I'm so goth I wear sunglasses when I open the refrigerator.

*I'm so goth the people in the grocery store have refused to sell me any cereal other than Count Chocula.

*I'm so goth people ask me to AUTOGRAPH boxes of Count Chocula.

*I'm so goth, whenever I walk into a room, all the lights go out.

* I'm so goth, I don't say "black," I say "blahhwwwkkk."

*I'm so goth my black is blacker than your black. I call it "black black."

*I'm so goth, in preschool, the only crayon I used was black