About

My Family Guy Quotes.

Peter: Hey hey I got an idea. Lets play "I Never." You got to drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.
Cleveland: Oh I got one, I never slept with a women with the lights on.
(Quagmire, Peter, and joe drink.)
Joe: I'll go next, uh I never had sex with Cleveland's wife.
(Quagmire and Cleveland drink.)
Peter:ah alright lets see uh, I never did a chick in a Logan airport bathroom.
(Only Quagmire drinks.)
****51 drinks later****
Peter: God lets see what else is there um...I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Alligence.
Quagmire: Oh God.
(Quagmire takes a drink.)
Joe: I uh I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home and choke me while I touch myself.
Quagmire: Oh come on!
(Quagmire drinks again.)
Peter:uh I never did the same thing but with someone from Joann Fabrics.
Quagmire: Oh God this is ridiculous.(Drinks more and passes out.)
Peter surprised h boy he's out cold, hey lets write on him(Peter, Cleveland, and Joe laugh.)

Judge: "Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you god?"

Peter: "I do.....you b*****d"


(Lois reading Meg's diary with the rest of the family gathered around)
Lois: Dear Diary, Kevin is so hot. Today he was raking the yard. God I wish he'd throw me into that pile of leaves. (Laughter)
Meg: (Walks into the room) Hey what's everyone... Oh my God! You're reading my diary! I HATE YOU ALL! WHAAAAAAA! (Runs away crying)
Peter: (Opens beer) Keep going!


Stewie takes a candy bar from the counter and eats it.)
Clerk: Whoa, little guy. You gotta pay for that!
Stewie: Go suck a rail road spike, I haven't got any money!


Eliza: Ew, your breath smells like kitty litter.
Stewie: I was curious!


Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.


Chris: Hey little dude, how about some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes I could go for a frozen treat right about now. But no sprinkles. And for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.


God: Jesus Christ!

Jesus: Yeah?

God: Grab the Escalade, we're outta here!


Lois: To hell with the cameras! How could we ever let them replace our little girl? Oh, I miss her, Peter.
Peter: Me, too. She's like that dorky Baldwin brother who isn't as good-looking or successful and never answers my letters, but he's still a Baldwin, damn it!


Mr.Weed: Peter! Are you sleeping on the job?
Peter: Uh uh...no! There's uh..a..bug in my eye and I'm trying to suffocate him.


Peter: I'll take this. But I won't pay over $60.00 for it.
Man: That casket costs $1,000!
Peter: Fine. $50.00.
Man: No!
Peter: $500.
Man: What?
Peter: $2,000 bucks
Man: That's twice what I asked for!
Peter:...$40.00 bucks


Employer - What do you see yourself doing in next 5 years?
Peter - (Don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife, don't say doin your wife.) Doing your.... son.


Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.


Quagmire (running through mall and accidentally into the camera room): Where am I, am I dead?
Security Guard: No, this is where we monitor all the dressing rooms in the mall so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters.
(Woman on Monitor has heart attack)
Quagmire: Oh my God! That one's having a heart attack! (Runs to womans dressing room.)
Quagmire: (Rubs womans chest and breathes in her mouth. Woman becomes conscious.)
Woman#2: That was amazing!
Woman#3: You saved her life!
Woman#4: Thank God you know CPR!
Quagmire: What the hell is CPR?


(In the middle of the night, Peter wakes the whole neighborhood by yelling.)
Peter: Hey everybody! Meg just had her first period!
Joe: PETER! Shut up its three in the morning!
Cleveland: What the hell is going on out there?!
Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep!
Peter: I'm just saying! I'm proud of her. She's a woman! Yea!
Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now, I am exhausted!


Peter: Well guys, my vasectomy is tomorrow.
Cleveland: You poor b*****d. After all, sex is pointless without potantcy.
Quagmire: That's right, you take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? You got a...a belt.


Peter: Oh, Lois, you are so full of (BEEP)! WHAT?! Now I can't say (BEEP) in my own (BEEP)ing house?! Great, Lois. Just (BEEP)in' great. You know, you're lucky you're good at (BEEP) my (BEEP) or I'd never put up with ya. You know what I'm talking about, when you (BEEP) lubed-up (BEEP) toothpaste in my (BEEP) while you (BEEP) on a cherry (BEEP)Episcopalian (BEEP) extension cord (BEEP) wetness (BEEP) with a parking ticket. That is the best!


Lois - Peter, tell Chris that women are not objects!
Peter - Your mother's right, Chris. Listen to what it says.


Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says, 'Oooooo.'
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.


Lois: What kind of egotistical, selfish, moronic and idiotic person would get liposuction... Who? WHO?
(Peter walks in at half of his weight)
Stewie: Oh my God... It has finally happened, he has become so massive that he collapsed into himself like a neutron star.


Lois Griffin: Come on Stewie, don't be afraid. It's just water, it's not gonna bite.
Stewie Griffin: Shut up! I know it's not going to bite, stupid! What a stupid thing to say. You drown in it you moron! It doesn't have to bite you!


Stewie: By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins.


Chris: Here Stewie, have a fig newton.
(Stewie eats the cookie.)
Stewie (while chewing): I say, I must use him for, OH GOD THERE'S AN ORGY IN MY MOUTH!!!!!


Peter: I know something about stupid phone calls
(phone rings in house)
Lois: Hello?
Peter: I cant take the trash out today im working late at the office.
Lois: The caller ID says your calling from the kitchen. In fact I can see you.
Peter: Can you see me now?
Lois: No.
Peter: Now Im at the office.


but my fav qoute of all time is from the tv show sons of butcher

Doug Butcher: b***h are you for real


and Finally my fav quote from the movie Blade Trinity


Drake: Theres an old saying "kill one man your a murder, kill a million a king, kill them all a god"