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Well...yeah...I know (reffering to all who know me and live in a 15 mi radius of me) that most of my friends know why I've been depressed for the last 3 weeks something like that, the others who don't know might as well tell, yeah that's right my girlfriend broke up with me, ...basically in all the last four months before she broke up with me were the happiest I've had in my whole life.
at first I kept thinking, this is just a bad dream...I'll wake up soon...days went by I knew this wasn't a dream, so I stayed in a permanent state of depression that won't leave...I found out that while I'm depressed it'll also cause other people to be depressed and annoyed...so I prentended to be happy for 2 weeks till this friday (2/24) It just...I couldn't hold it in any longer...I felt like I was dying, that I was alone, and I just started crying...what's worse in front of my friends who I never wanted them to see me in that state, I prayed to God for death to come and take me away...but it didn't come.
I always told myself "There's nothing here for me, I'm a failure"...always insulting myself...which is why I think is a reason why she broke up with me. I never wanted to hurt her...I didn't think I could ever...but I guess I did...now..I just wish I could turn back time, make everything right....but then I realize that I'd mess up again in the future.
Before everyday I'd wake up thinking about her, my first exactly, and I'm not lying would either be: "I'm so lucky! I'm with Hannah!" "I wonder how she slept" "I hope she has a wonderful day", the I'd come home and talk to her on the phone discussing her day, though I never sounded happy I was..I really was.
Now, not a second in the day goes by without me thinking about her..missing her, I don't sleep, in all I sleep added up 16-19 hours a week, I damage myself constantly now...and here I am every day..every second waiting by the phone for her.
I have a feeling that most people's reaction to this page will be "omg!! Emo!!"...well you know what before you make your retarded comment take a walk in the life of a "depressed person" that's what I am...not emo, "Oh!...but why are you so depressed??"
well..I don't think it matters but at this point nothing does...:
I lost her, My Family hate/are ashamed of me, I bring most of my friends down, My Whole entire family (really does) hate me (uncle, aunts, grandmothers etc...), I lost her..., I lost family, I don't believe in myself*, I'm mostly a failure in alot of things I do*,...I lost her...
*: caused by depression
Right now I just want to say my apologies...
To my Family:..(Mom, Dad)...I'm sorry, sorry I couldn't be the perfect son you wanted, when you called me an accident and said you meant it and wished I was dead...I knew that some of the...decisions I made would be the right one.
(rest of family in Peru) ....I'm sorry I couldn't be like my bro either...sorry that you had to be burdened with me. I don't see why you hate me or called me a curse but I'm sorry.
(To Jairo) you're the perfect brother anyone could ask for, you did favors, you cared for me, you were an awesome brother, I'm sorry I couldn't live up to your name...maybe now mom and dad can pay attention to you more.
To my friends (all): I'm sorry my friends...for not always being there, for bringing most of you down, and hurting you and driving you away...I'll always remember all of you, you made my life perfect.
....To Hannah the women I love: well...Hannah..no I'm not mad at you, like I told you "It's the best decision you'll make"...I'm sorry I wasn't the perfect boyfriend, or that I couldn't protect you, or that I never sounded happy to talk to you and fighted with you...I was always happy with you, ...I was...I love you I always said that, I wish I could've done more so you can have the perfect life you really deserve.
please..just know this...even before October 7 2005 I loved with all my heart, and now I still Love you Hannah with every breath I take, the love grows stronger for you, I love you
...no this isn't a suicide note,just for those who are wondering
I love you Hannah...<3
((Wow! you actually read this good for you! d=))
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