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Strawberry's Random Rambles

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• (05/31/2008 08:47 pm)
• (02/02/2008 11:32 pm)

Comments

Viewing 10 of 20 comments.

Report | 09/01/2009 6:14 pm

demon_shiska

oh wow thats cool.
oooh visual communications.
interesting. well good luck and best wishes to you! ^.^

hehe

Report | 08/26/2009 10:17 pm

demon_shiska

Welcome and Thank you!
yes I love Inuyasha and FLCL as well.
oh totally. Still Doll is very addictive hehe ^.^

oh wow thats cool. so is it a special school of the arts, or like college class?

Report | 08/23/2009 2:42 pm

demon_shiska

OMGosh! I love your profile ^.^
Ouran High School Host Club is awesome *fangirl squee*

^.^

Report | 07/24/2009 10:17 pm

x_Weekend_Warrior_x

I've read most of it, and it's gotten a lot better! ^^
You've added more details, which is really good! Now I know what Mora looks like (you should probably mention her name within the first few sentences BTW) and I know a bit about the world she lives in.
Oh, and you didn't rush as much as you did before. :3
Now for the bad news... Right now, you've got the details, but you're just listing them. You need to work on mixing the details you've added with the action and most importantly, making your sentences flow together.
Like, instead of writing, "No matter what I wore, which I realized was nothing special, a cool brown shirt made of easily torn cotton and a black pleated skirt with tights and toe shoes…again nothing special, I couldn’t sum up the courage to face this world," try making it more natural. If you were crouched on top of a roof hunting demons, you probably wouldn't be thinking of your clothing unless something drew attention to it. Maybe you could try, "I stood up and looked deeper into my reflection to see my plain, brown shirt being blown in the wind. My black pleated skirt hung loosely on my hips, and my legs and feet were covered with tights and toe shoes." >.>
I dunno. >/////<
Hmmm... there's more, but I can't remember it at the moment.
Again, sorry if I was too harsh! D;
Wah, I might comment again in the morning. I'm tired. -3-
G'night!

Report | 07/24/2009 9:35 pm

x_Weekend_Warrior_x

Okay, sounds good. ^^
I'll comment again as soon as I'm done reading it.
Buuuuut, that may not be until tomorrow, 'cause I'm a wee bit tired. >.>;;

Report | 07/24/2009 3:34 pm

x_Weekend_Warrior_x

No problem! :]
I'm glad I could help, and I'm really glad I didn't offend you. sweatdrop
Oh, and no need to apologize for the POV thing; you were just trying to be helpful. ^^
If you ever need to me to critique anything else, I'd be happy to. :3

Report | 07/24/2009 3:08 pm

x_Weekend_Warrior_x

Thanks for the translation, but I've read enough fanfiction to know what POV means. sweatdrop

-sigh-
Okay, I hope I don't offend you or anything, but I'm kinda nit-picky and harsh when I critique things. >___<;;
I tried getting through the first chapter, but I just wasn't sucked in. :/
The plot is good, no doubt about that, but you're rushing the story too much. You've already gone through like, half of your plot description within the first few paragraphs. Sloooooow down a bit! Take a few paragraphs to describe Mora's appearance, her surroundings, maybe the kingdom, I don't know.
You need to work on setting the scene (using imagery) and characterization. When I read the first paragraph and tried to picture it in my mind, I wasn't able to. I have no idea where or when the two characters are or what they look like, and it would nice to know some more details about the place they live in. Since I don't live there and I've never seen or heard of the place before, you need to be able to describe it really well.
Honestly, I just wasn't able to get into the story.
Well, that's my two cents' worth. Again, sorry if I said anything offensive. ._____.;;

Report | 07/24/2009 2:06 pm

x_Weekend_Warrior_x

Thanks!
Alrighty then! :D
I'll comment again as soon as I finish reading it. :3

Report | 07/24/2009 9:04 am

x_Weekend_Warrior_x

Whoa, that sounds really awesome. O:
Is it alright if I read what you've written so far?

Report | 07/23/2009 9:21 pm

x_Weekend_Warrior_x

Ooh, that's exciting. Did you do anything interesting while you were in Jersey? Do any sightseeing maybe? o:

I didn't know you were writing a story. Or maybe I did, but I just don't remember. >__<;;
What's it about?